We know it’s a long season, and we’re just getting into things, and there’s so many months left to go, but holy fucking shit, Missouri. You want this crown like a dog wants a tennis ball under the couch.

Marquise X. Booker, sophomore linebacker, don’t put up with no motherfucking nonsense in his motherfucking parking lot from people on the motherfucking balcony.

Several residents who were playing video games inside a third-floor apartment complained of loud yelling and shouting coming from outside, Capt. Stephen Monticelli said.

Booker is accused of cocking the gun but did not point the weapon at any victims, Monticelli said.

The important news for Tigers fans is that Jeremy Maclin (code name: Weapon M) was queried, but not charged with anything in the incident. Booker, however, was charged with suspicion of unlawful use of a weapon and an underage liquor law violation, a two and one point combo that earns Missouri three more points in the Fulmer Cup. That takes Missouri up to seventeen points, a formidable stack of points in any year’s race. Someone’s gonna have to step up with the rash decision-making and poorly estimated risk/reward typical of 19 year olds to make this thing a race again.

Oh, and Marquise? You’re gonna have to learn to light it up the right way: not with guns and violence…but with an electric jacket and sweet, Germanophilic harmonies, baby.

The finest version of “Danny Boy” ever recorded, again in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.

What? You assumed we’d pull out the stops and actually play Danny Boy? Hell to the blar-NO stone, and with good reason: it’s morbid as hell like all Irish music not focused on the topics murder and alcohol, and even with cultural fatigue from decades of “fuck me I’m Irish” bullshit that has made Red Sox/Pats fans the hemorrhoid on the ass of professional sports culture, it makes us cry like a scalded baby.

THE BIG BOARD IS A COMPLICATED-damn you, Caps Lock. Apologies for the yelling. Sweetly, sotto voce.The big board this week is a crowded affair, reflecting the hectic activity of the past two weeks and readers’ insistence on properly counting things, something we struggle to do.

Apologies and flailing attempts at accounting follow.

Buffalo’D! Colorado gets in some mountain man brawling, perhaps vibing a bit to ferociously off the instructions “YOU NEED TO GO OUT THERE AND HIT THEM IN THE MOUTH!” That is precisely what Colorado tight end Riar Geer did, as he should with an evil Norwegian hit man’s name like “Riar Geer.”

In an unrelated situation, Geer was arrested late Friday following a fight on The Hill in Boulder that evening. Geer allegedly punched two fellow CU students in the mouth during the altercation. One had to receive medical attention.

The other student required none, as dead men don’t make complaints. When Colorado football players weren’t punching people in the face this weekend, they were busy punching people in the face with rocks in their hands. Again, whatever rageahol enemas Dan Hawkins has them on are working wonders, as Lynn Katoa showed here.

Witnesses told police that a man, whom they reportedly identified as Katoa, “walked into the apartment, slammed one victim’s head into a wall, then hit another victim with his fist. There were some accounts that the suspect was holding a rock at the time.”

Combined with two prior arrests for Colorado and some negligent accounting on our part, that’s a total of nine points for the Buffs, broken down thusly:

-one point for minor in posssession
-one point for tomfoolery
-three points for Geer’s mouth punching assault charge
-three points for Katoa’s party-brawling
-one bonus point for Katoa feeling the need to allegedly punch someone with a rock in his hand.

Again, the Buffs sit at nine points, a good sign for those who’ve already got them winning the Big 12 North this year.

Sakerlina tags on another point for DB Mike Newton’s disorderly conduct charge, adding one point to the Cocks’ total. No details on the arrest yet, but given that it’s Columbia, the incident took place at Club (Insert Number here) or some place ending in the singular possessive “(NAME)’s.”

Alabama loses one of their points following the dismissal of Rashad Johnson’s disorderly conduct charges. The board erroneously reads eight, and should read seven. The error is mine, but don’t let it stop Auburn fans from reminding you that that’s a seven, which could be the number of times the Tigers beat Alabama in a row if the streak continues this year.

West Virginia collects five points in total for the arrest involving Noel Devine and four other WVU football players in a scuffle Chris Rock warned you against long, long ago:

Devine said he didn’t know why the individual, who he said he did not know, was threatening him but thought it might have been because one of his friends had stepped on his shoes.

It’s a cheapie FnDC charge for each, and Devine’s already copped to it, paid the fine, and is keeping a low profile. Still: five points for the ‘Eers, a total barely putting them on the board in this mad sprint of a Fulmer Cup chase.

Of course we counted something wrong. So leave your corrections in the comments, and we’ll get to them as soon as we stop watching Jim Cramer weep blood over the demise of his beloved Bear Stearns.

Holly has very sad news for you. Be jacked and pumped, but only in the saddest of ways.

Server glitch? Price of fame? Low-level NCAA violation potential? Who knows, but one way or another Pete Carroll’s Facebook profile is no more. And while it brought us all incalculable joy to tread just a little closer to his radiance, I have to say—as a mortal being of woman born, having to look at his status updates every morning was forcing me to examine my life in ways I’m not sure I was ready for.

February 22:

February 25:

March 1:

March 8:

March 13:

I’ll miss you, sir. But my self-worth is drinking to your departure.

[HT: The Great Barstoolio, who screencapped my face ten times.]

Ivan Maisel turns in a nifty piece on Michigan’s discovery of modern conditioning, including the construction of a new million dollar weight room and the post-workout wonders chocolate milk consumption can achieve.

After two months under Barwis, here’s what’s going on: The Michigan players look and feel different. Mathews went from being able to touch his toes to putting his palms on the ground. He had to buy size 36 jeans to accommodate his thighs. His waist remains a 34.

“I need a new belt, too,” he said. “…We could see our bodies adjusting. Everybody is taking their shirts off, wearing tight-sleeved shirts.”

Hawt. And also likely bliss-inducing for those who complained endlessly about the Wolverine’s antediluvian use of jiggly belts, chest expanders, wall-mounted pulleys, Charles Atlas manuals, and wooden dumbbells in their previous routine. Judging from the pics, that’s all out on the curb with the old Nautilus rowing machines and Exercycles:

At last: Michigan gets a proper pain mill.

For comparison’s sake, footage of Michigan’s old training room under Mike Gittelson may be found here.

It’s White Puerto Rican Pride Day, a.k.a. St. Patrick’s Day. Being white, we imagine at one point someone injected some Irish DNA into our bloodlines, but being white trash we have no definite documentation of that. It’s just a suspicion, especially given the long and proud tradition of high-functioning alcoholism in the family, the lapsed Catholicism, and generally whorish ways of the Irish their charisma and charm, so evident on this site!

In celebration, we present a balanced, fair picture of Irish culture: the Pogues singing “Streams of Whiskey.”

Slainte!