Reader Dan points the way to a startling occurrence: Joe Paterno, after years of closed practices, has opened up practices to the prying eyes of the media, and has gone so far as allowing video streams of exactly what’s going on inside Penn State’s practices. It’s not quite “Kim Jong-Il: Cribs” level access, but for spring football it’s damn close.
What’s going on, you ask?
-Joe Paterno scaring the crap out of a linemen by rushing at him and into a blocking pad in an effort to show him proper pad level and attack angle. (Mind, read: “Please, please don’t let him die right here.“)
-JoePa screaming at a lineman to “PULL YA SHIRT DOWN”
-Further installation and use of the zone read in the Penn State offense, a look that proved quite effective for Michael Robinson two years ago and was as effective in the Anthony Morelli era as bowling with cinder blocks.
It’s got to make Pat Dye fall out of his chair and spill his drink to watch all those passes wobbling in the air: Auburn’s new offense is passgasmtastic, friends, and it’s not afraid to tell the show it…albeit in a vanilla, spring game kind of way.
According to GatorSports.com, Urban Meyer is seeing maturation in his secondary, last seen waving their arms feebly and wailing, covered in flames, at the Capital One Bowl. We will believe this when we see Wondy Pierre-Louis successfully defend himself from a marauding gnat, much less a thrown pass (Brandon Cox, Passing Christ Superstar? Really, Wondy?), but that’s what Urb’s saying at least.
Yoo-hoo! Mr. QB! Right here! Throw it here!
UF coach Urban Meyer said one of the reasons for the defense’s turnaround this spring has been the maturity of his players and lack of what Meyer likes to call the “dope look,” or that confused look that young players are notorious for.
“Confused looks lead to bad players, bad teams, bad defense, bad offense, and I’m starting to see that disappear a little bit on defense,” Meyer said.
“Disappear a little bit?” There’s hope in that phrase, babeee! It’s dripping with optimism. So you’re saying there’s a chance of us us having a secondary next year? That little happy skylark following me around? You put it there, Urban, all by yourself.
If you can’t watch the video yourself due to work-based productivity fascism, here’s the summary: Emmanuel Moody, still surprisingly behind in learning the offense; Chris Rainey, woo!; more double-tight end sets next year thanks to Hernandez and Ingram making strides; Harvin’s heel, iffy for the moment; Carlos Dunlap, blockwreckah on the d-line.
Joe Paterno, ah, that funny old guy! Just joshing on about how he could coach another 10 years, ho-ho! What drollity!
“I don’t even care if I get a contract. I’ll be very frank with you,” the 81-year-old Paterno said Saturday in his first meeting with reporters in three months. “I think the university will do what they think is right, whenever the time comes. Right now, I’m very comfortable.”
“What do I need an extension for?” he asked before joking that he could coach “just another 10 years.”
Blind peasant, you don’t even see what’s coming your way, do you? Paterno will survive to see the singularity on his Mediterranean diet, lack of exposure to radiation from portable electronic devices, and healthy insistence on not using horseless carriages to get everywhere. Then, just as Ray Kurzweil predicts will happen, he’ll have all of his organs replaced and coach Penn State football for hundred of years barring severe catastrophic bodily injury or murder.
That Little Rascal: Paterno to coach until molten lead rains from the sky.
Somewhere in that house are bags and bags of blue and white Nittany vitamins. We’d bet our head in a jar on it.
The big board continues to swell with fresh points. This week’s Fulmer Cupdate, as always, is brought to you by Brian, who continues to be hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
Mississippi State bang-bangs their way onto the board with a murky “shooting incident” on campus in Starkville last Friday. Two players were involved for certain: Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley were both sent screaming off the team with all due speed following the shooting, and others may be involved since the Miss State roster was sporting a few conspicuous holes during their spring game Saturday. (Urban Meyer finds all of these punishments harsh.)
The incident began with the source of all trouble, naturally: a convenience store.
MSU Police Department Lt. Don Bartlett said an altercation at a convenience store near the campus — the B-Quik store on East Lee Boulevard — occurred a few hours before the incident at Zacharias Village and “may have been the motivation” for the gunshots at the residence hall complex, The Starkville Daily News reported.
H.I. and the entire Tennessee football team agrees: convenience stores are hellmouths of trouble for the young mind, with their slushees, cheap beer, lotto tickets and pork rinds. Virtue is staying away from them entirely, kids.
Cincinnati lights up a few points-two points, to be specific-for Terrill Byrd smoking weed in his residence. Well, at least he can buy booze on Sundays, unlike the good citizens of Georgia, who instead must drive to a bar, where they get hammered, buy some fried food, and then hit the roads after drinking. Sonny Perdue, don’t you have rain to pray for instead of persecuting the lazy alcoholics of this fine state? Lazy alcoholism at home is a family value in the South, dammit.
(We don’t actually know if one can buy booze on Sundays in Cincy. All we know is that Sonny Perdue can go fuck himself with a corkscrew for limiting our personal freedoms in the name of winning a few Jebus voters in Crisp County.)
Missouri still sits atop this thing like a prize drunken peacock, but several teams sit in striking distance. Just a few misdemeanors separate Tennessee from Mizzou, and if any team has the gumption, abundant convenience stores, and raucous, enabling campus environment to make this thing happen, it’s Tennessee, dammit.
Bout this U, lawya. In lieu of footage of Miami’s spring game-which attracted all 11,000 Miami football fans at once-we presents still photos set to Miami thump. Windows Movie Maker meets the Dunk Ryders, what!
In terms of actual news, Patrick Nix, offensive coordinator to the stars (Reggie STAR Ball), is still seeking to craft an offense that breaks the vaunted fifty percent completion mark in Miami. Miami football: like Mississippi State, but with sparkles and palm trees! Speaking of…
Mississippi State: There are questions about the offense after a spring game that featured five interceptions, a boatload of overthrown passes and a 6-0 score.
No, that sounds about right, actually. 8-5 on the way on a rail, baby! The score on the game going into overtime? 0-0.
Mississippi State demonstrates its best offensive play: prone.
David Holbert, Tennessee fullback, suffered an apocalyptic knee injury during the Vols’ first scrimmage of the spring. The description may make your turkey bacon fly retrograde from your stomach, so go forward with caution:
It occurred when Holbert was attempting to catch a pass out of the backfield. Linebacker Rico McCoy leveled a clean hit on Holbert, who went to the turf awkwardly.
The portion of Holbert’s leg below the knee bent completely forward — the opposite of the normal motion —producing a gut-wrenching sight.
“All I’m allowed to say is it’s a knee injury,” UT Coach Phillip Fulmer said.
That’s “a knee injury,” as opposed to “holy hell, we’re gonna have to put this guy on medical redshirt for the next nine years.” Other than the maiming of a fullback and all, Tennessee’s first scrimmage seemed to go just fine.
Foswhitt! My autogyro, please! Focus on the outstanding performance of Will “Boom, Motherfucker!” Muschamp’s defense and the ongoing rotation of three running backs if you like. We’re just fascinated with the all-name team the Longhorns are running in their backfield:
Chris Ogbonnaya
Vondrell McGee
Foswhitt “Fozzy” Whittaker
The name “Foswhitt” comes from a contraction of his father’s first name, Foster, and his last name, but that’s not even the second most eye-popping tidbit of Foswhitt Whittaker’s bio. In order of awesome:
Pets: Dog (Milo), two turtles (Michaelangelo and Lance), a ferret (Kiko) and a catfish (Whopper)
And:
Nobody knows I can: Play the tuba
A tuba-playing running back with a pet catfish and the name Foswhitt? EDSBS heartily throws its weight behind an endorsement of Foswhitt Whittaker for starting running back at Texas.
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Yoo-hoo! Mr. QB! Right here! Throw it here!
