For those of you who don’t subscribe to ESPN Insider, Beano just called a 42-35 UCLA victory. We TOLD you he was mad.

Wow. Sports Pickle makes us cringe with this article about Brady Quinn’s biggest fans.

Like Private Hudson in Aliens, we’re on an express elevator to hell. And so are you if you laugh at that piece.

As Navy is preparing to defend the rights to the Commander in Chief trophy they have run into a little problem, it is missing. Sure, the note left behind by the thieves, which states “Before we win the football game on Saturday, we thought we would take the trophy. By the time you read this, it will be halfway to West Point”, might indicate that Army was involved, but that would be unpatriotic to think. The White House has apparently conducted an investigation into the matter and has determined that it is a slam dunk that the trophy has been stolen by terrorists working on behalf of the Iraqi insurgency.

McClellan told reporters that the troops are currently searching bunkers built by the French and Germans for Saddam Hussein in hopes of finding the Commander in Chief trophy by Saturday.

Jim from Hoover, after twenty-three minutes of anxious waiting on hold for Hey Coach, “totally pussed out” on Thursday when he actually got the chance to speak with the current Bama football coach Mike Shula, according to both his own estimates and that of friends listening to the show. The loss of nerve represented a major defeat for the indefeatigable local caller and a major loss of status in the sports show call-in community.

“Jim”, known publicly as Alan Travers from Hoover, is a regular caller to the Paul Finebaum Show noted for his caustic attacks on what he calls the “pathetic” offense of the Tide and Shula’s “old granny” play-calling. He had planned on taking his critique to the coach personally live on the show.

“He texted me that he was gonna call in tonight and ask Shula himself why he couldn’t take Brodie Croyle, three receivers, and a decent line and make a first down,” said Elden Jones, high school classmate and fellow Crimson Tide afficionado. “He said he was gonna say all the things he usually says on Finebaum. He sounded jacked, like ‘Whaddya think he’ll do, man?’ Like, giggling little girl excited.”

Creeden Burtwell, Tide fan and longtime listener to “Hey, Coach,” was bitterly disappointed in Jim From Hoover’s pisspoor call to Coach Shula last Thursday.

“I had it all planned out,” said “Jim” following the debacle, nursing a Coors Light at Shankey’s Sports bar in Hoover later that night. (more…)

Only one more week to go before the bowl season is upon us. It is a bittersweet time in college football. So, without further ado, we give you our melancholy addition of our Blog Poll Ballot.

1. Texas. They struggled a bit, but it was a rivalry game and USC was idle leaving us only with the memory of almost losing to Fresno State, who was losing to Nevada, so Texas stays put.

2. USC. Despite the close calls, the winning streak speaks for itself.

3. Penn State. There are a whole bunch of UCLA fans in the northeast this weekend.

4. LSU. That was a close one, but Arkansas was a much improved team as the year progressed. They probably would have one the Big XII North if they were over there.

5. Virginia Tech. Beamer ball was back and in full effect. But I am still wondering what the hell happened to Marcus Mexico?

(more…)

Oh, we thought we knew sexy. Then we met Alvin Wyatt, head coach of Bethune-Cookman’s football team, who hits us with what we’ll call the “Sex Panther ‘78″ ’stache. Do you not hear its continual broadcasts of Teddy Pendergrass’ “Close the Door?” Do you not see its natural consort, a great big Cadillac with a diamond in the back? Do you deny that it has given thousands of quality rides worldwide, and seen big men fall to the ground weeping at its majesty?

Of course you don’t. Behold: Alvin Wyatt and the “Sex Panther ‘78.” (HT: Yay! Sports)

Feelin’ on your booty as we speak-and you like it.

Whoa-the passion exhibited by readers in response must mean a few things.

1. We hit a nerve.

2. Chris Berman and Stuart Scott need to travel in the protective Kathy Lee Gifford bubble from South Park-ASAP.

3. Skip Bayless, though, has no hope, since angry mobs will simply take his bulletproof bubble and throw it into the nearest convenient volcano.

Good to know that we, despite our gradual weaning off the Worldwide Leader over the course of the past five years, aren’t alone in our cursing of the many-armed demon. Of course, we missed scads of things, as both the voluminous commenters and fellow bloggers pointed out. So in case you haven’t gotten enough stabs in at the supine, bleeding body of Cable Caesar, here’s some more from some of the best.

First, Brian, from MGoBlog takes us from 53-84 with his own list, our favorite of which is sampled below:

64. Those “hot” sideline reporters who all look like the kind of girl that’s really appealing if you’re 45 and married to someone who used to be thin. As a mid-20s wild and crazy guy, let me say: bitch, please. Go one of two routes:

* people (men or women) who know football and actually add something other than “tee hee” to a broadcast
* strippers.

Either is acceptable.

Exactly. Hire one of the Suicide Girls and make her do the whole thing in a Betty Page outfit while leading around a man-hey, how about Skip Bayless?-in a dog collar. But spare us the Stepford Wives. You’re the average middle-aged viewer. You don’t think you’re making enough money, you’re probably overweight, and you’re probably married to someone with brown hair. (Just working the odds there.) Shocking-you find a woman who looks wealthy, thin, and happens to be blonde to be attractive! Amazing!

This just happens to be one of the reasons we like Holly Rowe; blonde, yes, but spunky and chunky in a way that suggests that she would a) drink real beer with you, b) split dessert, and c) enjoy a spanking every now and then while more than holding her own in the sack. There-try and watch her now without thinking about that. Exactly our point.

Mark from the fine Bemusement Park also chimes in with his list, taking the total to an even 100 with some grand cru suggestions along the way:

91. Bill Simmons. What? Look, I love the Boston Sports Guy, but I am sick to death of all the Billy Zabka, Andy Dufresne, and Brian Austin Greene references. Dude, you can write. You’ve got to be making some decent geedus these days. Buy some new DVDs, already. You’re starting to sound like that guy from high school who stopped forming new memories three days after graduation.

And finally, in a feeble attempt to be fair and balanced here, we’ll mention Sunday Morning QB’s “Stitch in the Gash,” where he mentions ten things he actually likes on ESPN.

Thanks for all the feedback, and have a fantabulous Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers. By the way, what do you get when you google “ESPN Mustache” and hit image search? Voila :

Suzy Shuster asks the best question of the year to Sooper Genious coach Bill Callahan, who gets points here for getting through the interview without bellly-flopping to the turf and rolling on the ground with laughter. Bill, though, did take “one of the most gratifying dumps” he’s had in front of thousands, so perhaps he should lose points, too. For the record, ours was in the Peace Hotel, Shanghai, October of 1999, following a breakfast of dim sum and wicked strong coffee. It had it all: a great setting, ample reading material, a sense of substantial tension broken with the mild endorphin rush following, a tidy launch capped with flawless departure from the launchpad. Click here for further opinions on the world’s finest-and most unacceptable-places to take a grumpy.

Watch for Callahan’s expression at the final frame, where he just realizes what he just answered.

(Thanks to reader Sigmike.)

While not strictly a college football issue, we all as sports fans consort with the many-armed devil that is Disney/ESPN/ABC in our attempt to digest as much football in the precious time we’re allowed each season. And in doing so-either in watching the games, searching for highlights, or zoning out after downing five beers in front of the television-you will come across much, much, much to dislike. Actually, we thought of fifty-two things we don’t like.

1. Synergy. Promo the games you have the rights to while barely mentioning the big games on in other places, no matter how important they might be. Push your product over THE GAME. Vile corporate entertainment thinking that yields little but viewer disgust.

2. Regional broadcast fiascoes. No shit here-the Tampa Bay area enjoyed the Rutgers/WVU game on the weekend of the Texas/Oklahoma game because…well, because the evil spider god in charge of everything decreed it, we suppose. Here in Atlanta we frequently got the Tar Heels getting knocked around the yard instead of a better matchup across the country.

3. Stuart Scott. His poetry slam two days ago didn’t happen, because if we did admit it, then we’d wake up crying in a ball in the corner struck by the sadness of what has become Sportscenter.

Boo. Yeah, boo.

4. The absence of Keith Olbermann.

5. The continued, painful obsolescence of Keith Jackson. Yeah, that’s more of a complaint with God, but pending a response from the Deity himself, we’ll blame his corporate masters who act as accomplices.

6. Sportstainment! The next few are attached to this umbrella concept of the idea that sports isn’t entertainment all by itself. Consider them pieces of evidence in one long indictment of Disney’s attempt to force ESPN into becoming the story, not the medium.

7. Nick Lachey, interviewer.

8. ESPN Hollywood. Lower ratings than “Christopher Lowell, After Hours.”

9. “The Hot Seat” segment. Nothing more excruciating than watching former partial qualifiers attempting to think against the clock.

10. Dream Job.

11. Stephen A. Smith. Mark Shapiro, the prime mover behind Sportstainment! and former head of ESPN, said he just HAD to hire Smith after every focus group detested his ass. Well, there you go. Would love to kick the ass of the editor of Highlights magazine for bewitching him with those devilish puzzles all these years. Makes a sport we already don’t care about all the more ignoreable-and isn’t that what a great spokesman for the sport is supposed to do?

12. Tom Berenger’s horrible old man prosthetics in The Junction Boys. Bear Bryant as burn victim, evidently.
(more…)

Peter Kerasotis, our preferred Worst Columnist in America, gets the honor of Deadspin’s “Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks” treatment. Will’s best slice of invective:

Reading a Peter Kerasotis column is like trying to capture escaped lab mice — his little, furry thoughts running this way and that, never pausing long enough in one spot to make a solid impression. Also there’s an apparent fondness for cheese. There goes one, under the sofa! Nope, it’s gone. We’ll have to set traps later.

Kerasotis: little, furry thoughts reeling around his head.