Blind Item Thursday is on at 35 Seconds, and includes these awesome tidbits:
WHO IS FORMER BIG TEN STAR will appear as the star of an erotic legal fiction series in an attempt to rehab his image in the public eye?
When I call you bitch, it’s a love thing.
The next semi-weekly poll question will be announced shortly, but first we review the results of our prior poll, “What’s the Most Suggestive Offense.” The winner by a nose: The Spread Option with 503 votes. The “Cock ‘n Fire” came in second with 453 votes, but we suspect that was just Blake Mitchell giggling and clicking in late-night drunken websurfing sessions.
The new poll question: which college football coach will be caught on-air saying the most profanities next season? Your choices:
1. Pete Carroll. If you wonder why, then fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
2. Will Muschamp, Texas DC. Boom Motherfucker gets to parade his stuff on those nice, big sensitive ABC Big 12 mikes.
3. Les Miles. A wordsmith who can’t resist dropping his Schembechler emphases in the most routine of press conferences.
4. Jim Leavitt. ANGRY WORDS MAN WANTS MR. FIST TALK TO YOU.
5. Nick Saban. The Dark Lord is capable of leaving dark scorch marks on the pants of your ears.
Vote early, vote often, and remember: snakes in the wild don’t want to be picked up-they simply crave the touch of humans in their very bones. Especially the drunk humans.
ps. Cookie monster is sadly ineligible for this post.
Pop the champagne, Stiletto.Good day, citizens. I am Baron Silas Greenback, evil mastermind and friend of no one save my only mistress, Success. Stiletto, please, pop the champagne. Please: audience, Stiletto, Stiletto, audience. If you are in Britain, he has a despicably racist Italian accent. If you are in the United States, give him an inoffensive wiseguy Brooklyn accent.
You have such high hopes for this season, I know. You, pitiful college football fan, have a team ranked in the top twenty-five, and I hesitate to throw you so far under the proverbial double-decker bus of sorrow. But a frog must have his pond, and mine is that which is filled to the banks with your misery. So unless a meddling rodent comes my way to needlessly complicate things further, I will make things very clear to the start: unless you pay me in the currency of my choosing for each, these are the fates to befall your teams and dash their high hopes.
My Evil Plan For: Georgia. Ah, yes, you Peach State provincials are as excited as squiggling, floppy-haired tadpoles over this one. And why not? You have depth all over the place, an esteemed offensive line now fully operational now that you have a coach who knows what he’s doing coaching the beefy young gentlemen shoving the way clear for your backs, and of course Knowshon Moreno and company, who bolt like mad hounds released upon the foxes of opposing defenses.
How shall I stop this indomitable attack? Well, perhaps I won’t have to: (more…)
…is no more, sadly. Chris Leak, the CFL has Kerwin Bell’s roster spot ready and waiting, baby.
Wii!EA Sports is allowing fans to vote for the mascot who will appear on the cover of NCAA 2009 for the Wii, a dubious honor since if the Wii edition of NCAA is as much of an epilepsy simulator as the Madden franchise is, the game will shovel piles of suck in suckhell forever.
(If you haven’t had the chance to play it, its bizarre controls force you to conduct Bernstein’s exact hand gestures from guiding the New York Philharmonic through Mahler’s Fifth. Our favorite move: the “Throw The Goddamn Thing Into the Ficus Plant” move. Never say we don’t know how to throw the ball away when danger nears.)
We cast a vote for Albert, but noticed something previously unseen: SEC mascots are all remorseless killing machines or hammered redneck militiamen with guns. Remember: as a conference we’ve got the only mascot that’s actually been on a killing spree. Toss out the genteel Commodore, and we’ve unveiled the iconic representation of all the Southeastern United States values: fangs, an unstoppable killing urge, little in the way of higher brain function, and a facility with firearms.
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Bobby Petrino’s hosting one big hog-hug in Fayetteville: Petrino on Monday, though, hinted that while he’d love for every Hog he’s inherited from the Houston Nutt regime to bond together with their teammates, develop a trust with one another and stick with the new program through what promises to be a strenuous off-season, “we may lose one or two along the way.” The salary cap’s a bitch, Bobby. Commence the hog-killin’! And please, no one tell him there’s no cap, do not allow him to use a state cellphone, limit all contact between him and anyone he calls his agent. Now given all that: who in the SEC West remains unterrified at the prospect of Petrino’s offense in two years, once he “begs Casey Dick to stay” by throwing him in a deep fryer and hitting the recruiting trail for a qb? The man has an almost unparalleled knowledge of how to make 18-22 year old defenders look stupid, meaning he’s the offensive version of Kevin Cosgrove, but in a positive sense. Pete Fiutak still types buckets of words for Fox, and still sometimes says things like…well, like that Pitt will be this year’s Kansas. Pitt: It’s time. There’s just way too much talent to not have a productive year. Thanks to a few years of the Big East’s best recruiting classes, the Panthers have the potential to finally turn the corner with four non-bowl teams to start out the year and with West Virginia, Louisville and Rutgers coming to Heinz Field. Au contraire: there’s never too much talent to make squandering it unavoidable, especially when you’re breaking in a new defensive coordinator. And we haven’t even discussed the fact that their coach IS DAVE WANNSTEDT, who will look great racking up a 5-0 record early before ordering a Purdue slider down to the 7-5ish Gailey couch of their final record. You don’t tell Dave Wannstedt he can’t go 7-5, sir. You just don’t. This child and Dana Jacobson would get along like gangbusters, especially if the kid’s into public binge drinking. And most three year olds totally are. From SECFootballBlogger’s collection of hate videos: How old is that child? We’re scared of old people, children, and amputees, so therefore have no idea. When we’re asked if we want to hold babies, we’re that asshole who says, “Um, no. I don’t know what to do with them, and they make me uncomfortable.” Boarding school, Mortimer: they’ll raise them for you! The entire Iowa team is being sent to Gitmo. Well, there’s reasons. Remember, though: if you do send them a care package, declare it to the NCAA before doing so lest they get a recruiting violation, but just waterboard the living fuck out of them when you get the urge. It’s not torture, and is full of vitamins! PSU TE Andrew Quarless…suspended. Bill Cowher denies even knowing who Quarless is, and reiterates that he won’t be suspending anyone as coach anywhere next season. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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