March 11, 2025

BIG HOUSE, YES. BIGGEST HOUSE, NO.

America’s largest stadium belongs to Penn State now, thanks to litigious various-plegics. Now Michigan fans can finally point out to who was screaming “DOWN IN FRONT” all those years, though, so that much has been solved. (Oh, and if you have full use of your legs and arms and are still screaming this, we will personally smack the prints off our hands using your face for the abrasive surface.)

Wheelchair accessible seats, which take up 12 times as much room as normal seats, will be added as part of a plan adopted by Michigan officials in order to settle a lawsuit by the Michigan Paralyzed Veterans of America. The ramps and seating will be added as part of the contested $226 million dollar stadium expansion involving luxury box addition, etc, and will not therefore be too big of a deal in terms of construction.

Where it does bite: the title of America’s Most Bigassin-est Stadium. This honor, because of the reduction of seating, now belongs to Beaver Stadium at Penn State, which holds a 107,282 to 106,201 advantage over the Big House. Neyland Stadium in Tennessee would blow both of these out of the water if only officials would give up their quixotic attempt to prohibit the use of tree stands on the light poles at the stadium.


No, Rusty! Don’t shoot Tebow, you’ll only git him angry!

HT: In the Bleachers.



Filed under: Beaver Jokes, Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

GEAR OUT OF CONTEXT: AUBURN

Again, if you get political about this, we’ll kill you all with a cattle gun. We were watching CNN’s story on Oklahoma lawmaker Sally Kern, who thinks that homosexuality is a bigger threat to the United States than “Islam or terrorism,” when we spotted NCAA sports gear during the “let’s interview the twanging commoners” portion of the story.

The woman’s nothing remarkable, and doesn’t say anything totally guffaw-worthy like “Gays shouldn’t be allowed to eat flatmeats off mah plates” or anything; she just says that the woman does have a right to free speech. We have a right to free speech, too, and would like to say that whatever sex ninja moves she knows must be spectacular, because she’s married the sexiest man in the Central Time Zone. Hellooooooooooo, Mr. Earp…

This puts Auburn well ahead of Florida and Ohio State, two schools whose gear was featured in a tasing and the world’s greatest incident of public masturbation ever, respectively.

(BTW, if you do watch the CNN clip, the only clear and present danger to our national security we see is Sally Kern’s hair. GAY BURRRRRNNNN!!!)



Filed under: Not strictly college football, but funny  by Orson Swindle

HOGS AND DOGS IN NEW DIGS IN 2009

Ghosts of the SWC, rise: Texas A&M and Arkansas will be playing their old Cash Conference rivalry in Jerry Jones’ new digs in 2009. In addition to conjuring up all the spirits of the SWC rivalry, the rematch will give Jones a chance to swing his financial whanger around in front of college football fans, too, who will marvel at the splendor of Jones’ wealth as represented by the planned features of the stadium. These include:

The Corpus Christi River. 100,000 gallons of fresh flowing gravy flowing at unnatural rates from a dramatic cascade in the north endzone.

The Jerry Jones Facial Center. Open for plastic surgery for men, of course. What did you think we meant?

The Jimmy Johnson Men’s Room. Located on the ground floor of the stadium. Includes a diorama and brief exhibit about Johnson’s accomplishments in the franchise, located in stall #4. Easy access from gate 4.

The Tom Landry Museum. Located in Stall #5 of the Jimmy Johnson Men’s Room.


I’m not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance. But Jerry will.

Jones is a graduate of the University of Arkansas and was a captain on their 1964 national championship team, back when little 180 pound white guys could play on the offensive line. He also hired Barry Switzer and Chan Gailey as NFL coaches. That is all.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

FULMER CUP: HUSKER DOS, DON’TS, TICKETS

Play the theme song, of course.


MP3 File

Nebraska junior linebacker Nick Covey received a ticket for underage possession of alcohol at a scene recognizable to anyone who’s ever hosted an open party one expects say, oh, thirty people to show up for:

Officer Katie Flood said when police arrived to that party, the music could be heard from the sidewalk and more than 75 people were inside. Empty beer cans littered the home.

Ah, yes. Covey receives one point, added to the Huskers’ tally in the Fulmer Cup. The only other player involved in the incident that we know who isn’t already draft-entered and leaving Nebraska is Mike Smith, who received the finest charge we’ve seen in a while:

Smith was accused of maintaining a disorderly house, and Purify and Martin of being inmates of a disorderly house.

We’ve been looking for some way to describe our view of existence for a long time. O, the irony of finding the right words at last writ in the prosaic civil codes of Nebraska! Oh, and two more points for Nebraska.


My, that got out of hand quickly. And where did the boat come from?



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, drankin', drunk white women  by Orson Swindle

ASK A KOMODO DRAGON.

In our discussion of important offseason questions, we have a special guest today: Tulip, the Komodo Dragon. Enjoy.

Dear EDSBS: What are the chances Auburn will get Kodi Burns up to speed in a year in the new “spread eagle” offense?

Orson: Very good, as they’ve already had the offense in place since the bowl game, where it looked creaky, half-assed, and pretty much as one might expect an offense installed just before a bowl game would look. Fortunately for Auburn, creaky and half-assed offense in spread formations represented a refreshing change from the moldy West Coast formations Auburn sputtered out of all season long.

The operative words for this spring: repetitive motion injuries. Or the possibility thereof, at least: new offensive coordinator and Hal Mumme acolyte Tony Franklin’s attack passed 517 times in 2007 at Troy and ran 462 times, averaged 81 plays a game, and will take their espresso topped with crystal meth-infused whipped cream, please. They’re throwing zillions of passes in practice, as opposed to the fifteen soft tosses a game required by the Borges offense. (Brandon Cox: “I got that, brah. No worries.”)

In short, um: short passes, concept football, and a good smattering of freedom to run for the quarterback. In goal line situations, you’ll even see a variation of the Tebow Smash play with Burns, who is a better runner than Omar Haugabrook was for Franklin at Troy. All in all, it sounds like a fine idea after the offensive Sargasso Auburn’s slogged through for the past two years, though Tuberville could have saved the school some coin in the hire: for only $3,000, you too can have THE TONY FRANKLIN SYSTEM!!!111

KOMODO DRAGON: KHHHHRRGGGKDSSSSS worked out the last time they broke in a new OC GHGHRRGGKKKKSSWSSS!!! HRRGKKSSSSKSKSDFHDJSKK!!!!

Dear guest columnist: What are some realistic expectations for Bo Pelini in year one at Nebraska?

Orson: Let’s just go ahead and say that last year, each Nebraska defender wore a wrist band with five options on each play, all terms exclusive to what we’ll call the KEVIN COSGROVE SYSTEM of football defense. (more…)



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, blood blood blood, bloviating  by Holly

CURIOUS INDEX, 3/11/08

Thematically Appropriate Song of the Day: “Who Let These Hoes In My Room,” in honor of Elliot Spitzer.

Be sure to stick around for the appearance of Bill O’Reilly at the end.

Hey, Joe…this “friend” of mine is considering retirement. Per the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Joe Paterno’s friend “Moe” is considering figuring out eventually how to kind of do this retirement thing he’s been hearing about…we mean, um, that “Moe” has been hearing about.

“He was asking me ‘Why?’ and ‘Who?’ and ‘How?’ ” Tiller said during a telephone interview. “He didn’t really tip his hand. But he did ask me ‘Who’s this guy?’ and ‘Why did I like him?’ and ‘Why now?’ and those types of things.

“He didn’t say, ‘I’m thinking about this or I’ve got to do this.’ But, after it had been announced, he seemed to be curious.”

That Moe is a sly one! Meaning “Moe” is for the first time in a while seriously considering retirement, if Tiller’s not just reaching down into his big bag of crazy and oatmeal and pulling this out of it. (HT: Fanblogs.)

Condolences to Howard Schnellenberger, whose 48 year old son Stephen died of endocrine cancer. Read the Miami Herald article on Steven to get a picture of someone who sounds like an extremely tough person.

The Comcast/Big Ten Network War is Over. Kiss any dame in the street you care to, sailors! Huzzah, your boys are coming home from the great Comcast/ Big Ten Network War at last, clothed in victory and teeming with foreign microbes! Remember their valiant struggles in the editorial pages of the Fort Wayne Gazette, or their solemn sacrifices in the great memo tiff of 2007! Oh, happy day! Rhubarb pies and chocolate malts for everyone, except daddy who gets to guzzle scotch and cry because he had flat feet and had to stay behind and endure the shame of banging everyone else’s deserted wives! HUZZAH!

Bears Necessity has your Pac-10 helmet schedule for 2008.

Les Miles still doesn’t know exactly how much he’s going to get paid, but everyone else in Louisiana has been waiting for checks of undisclosed sums and arrival date for years now, so he’s in good company. (Except for Lil Wayne, who’s already “Got his check from FEMA, time to buy some co-cay-ee-nah.”)



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, back like cooked crack!, drunk white women, i do cocaine!, my lawyaz  by Orson Swindle

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