Bearded lunatic no more: we’re our own Mustache Wednesday today.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Nothing about drinking’s funny, kids, despite what you might have learned growing up watching reruns of lovable town drunk Otis on The Andy Griffith Show. He mistook a goat for his uncle once! Not funny.

Nor is Tony Stark’s crippling alcoholism funny, either, even if you laugh at the thought of a superhero getting cranked on scotch, strapping on a nuclear powered invincible killing suit, and flying around with a bottle of fortified wine blasting what he thinks are bad guys and crashing into expensive high-rise condos. This is most definitely not made funnier by the fact Robert Downey, Jr. is playing him in the movie, nor by imagining the clink of the glass against his metal mouth slit as he relaxes in full regalia by a roaring fire at his mansion. Not. Funny.

(You can also hear the little filtered drain noise as the scotch goes down the pipe into his mouth, can’t you. This, too, is most definitely not funny.)

This is a long way of saying that we think the arrest on suspicion of DWI for Ball State’s Kenny Meeks is not funny in the least, especially because he may get sixty days in jail as a result. The two points he gets for entering Ball State into the Fulmer Cup are, however, hilarious.

Iowa State wide receiver Wallace Franklin earns two points for Iowa State by interference with official acts and disorderly conduct, two things that perfectly describe our entire academic career through college.

There’s many, many ways to express how you feel in an eloquent way. You could be a master of the epigram, like Rochefoucauld, for example:

Men give away nothing so liberally as their advice.

Pithy! Or you could just have an awesome accent and a deep, deep hatred of Tennessee. That’s a form of eloquence too, as this video points out all too well.

“They low down, they dirty, and they snitches.” At no point have our own thoughts of Tennessee football or pumpkins been so succinctly put.

We had no idea what a momentous day this truly was. We figured it’s the usual, right: wake up, eggs, too much coffee, crying jag around 9 o’clock due to anxiety caused by the herd of caffeine bulls running through our defenses, deep pondering of old Dangermouse videos, watch a few basketball highlights and consider what life would be like if we’d been born 6′10 (poor Mom!)…

…when suddenly we get this email in our inbox:

Hi EDSBS,

Account Personladychick

That third Chinese symbol means “HEARTBLEEDSPLOSION” That’s the best translation, really

HOLY HELL WOULD I? It’s the twentieth anniversary of the Blooming Onion, people! Those of you not immobilized by your own fatness or currently not trapped under toppled obese people, get off your asses and dance, for it is feast day. At no point in American history have we ever had a more ingenious or charismatic combination of batter, onions, and salt-and that’s counting Charles Barkley and Charles Durning, who like many fat men are in fact just large puddles of those three ingredients lit into life with the application of high voltage by mad scientists in rural laboratories.

Not only did Outback have the audacity to take a 27 cent onion, slice it in an innovative flower shape, coat it in no more than two cents of batter, salt, and pepper-oh, and their secret blend of yuMmy Spices and inGredients!- and baptize it in the sweet roiling fury of a deep-fryer, friends. No, Outback goes a step further and charges you over twenty times what they paid for it in the first place and serves it with mayonnaise, motherfucker.

Oh, and bitch about the ingredients all you like, hater. You just don’t want to see me shining. From the grease. On my beard. The numbers aren’t bad, man. In fact, health nazi, what other dish can you name that in addition to being deliciously tasty, can feed a good-sized adult male for a day?

Calories: 2310
Total Fat: 134 grams
Carbohydrates: 241 grams
Protein: 35 grams

Not only do you get your fat for a week, but you calories for the day and Gigantor amount of protein simultaneously. Fuck just eating one: down the whole thing and another, and you’ll be eating protein like a Pumping Iron-era Arnold in his prime. Plus you’ll have so much fat running through your system, a car will become unnecessary, as you will skate along on your own stream of yellow excreta leaking from your ass. Whoa, did someone say new cardio sensation? We did: ONION SKATING. Eat two of these a day, and we’re out there running laps on concrete wearing socks and patented Outback Outdoor turbo chaps, the official sport of dedicated Double Onioners like me, man.

So happy birthday, Blooming Onion. Even though you were born in Tampa, you’re truly Australian: bold, zesty, and if you eat the whole thing, you’ll probably die, just as you would from eating most things in Australia. Bonzer, mates! That’s Australian for diet-induced incontinence.

We’re working on a piece for the SN right now, but in the meantime, please accept Trev expressing his sympathies for the heifers at a livestock auction as filler.

Oh, and Patrick’s got some delightfully bad photoshop over at 35 Seconds.