March 20, 2025

THINGS BLACK AND GOLD PEOPLE LIKE

Don’t borrow, steal: an offseason requires desperate measures, and in a pinch we’ll be happy to do the pinching. We present a running series: Stuff _____ People Like, based on the painfully accurate Stuff White People Like. Today’s episode deals with fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes, mind you, not black people and this guy. Worth noting, especially since there are no black people in Iowa.

Stuff Black and Gold People Like

Fried anything. Holy shit do we like frying things. It’s not that only Iowans fry everything, but Iowans only fry everything. Go to the Iowa State Fair, but do so only at your own risk and with polarized lenses on your sunglasses; direct eye contact with too many fried confections will clog your arteries with Oreo paste.

Not meth. Sorry, Orson, but that’s something that Red and Yellow people enjoy far more than Hawkeye fans, along with other mind-numbing substances like Oxycontin and Rep. Steve King (R-IA). On the other hand…

Hawkeye Vodka. This brand exists, it’s about $11 for a handle, and it’s every bit as gut-wrenching as you can imagine. Only the saddest, most pickled citizens can stomach shots of the Hawkeye, and consuming large portions in mixed drinks leads to complete loss of pants, motor control, and stomach contents, in that order, and in the span of about 15 minutes. It’s a great way to spend a weekend, even if you only remember the world-altering hangover. Actually, it’s unfair to Iowans to restrict us to Hawkeye. Let’s broaden this out a bit:

All alcohol. Go to a Hawkeye tailgate sometime. It’s similar to SEC tailgates in terms of volume (both sound and attendance), but there’s a marked difference: SEC tailgaters cook. They socialize. They have fun. We stand around in 40 degree weather silently forcing Natty Ice down our throats and thinking to ourselves, “there’s more dew than usual.” This is a necessary result of having all our football games start at 11 a.m. Eventually, after 7 hangover-delaying Keystones, some asshole turns on his car and puts in his tailgate CD, which by default has…
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Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Is this a sports show?, People we love, beer, blood blood blood, i've made a huge mistake, making notre dame look ethnic, see: hell  by Oops Pow Surprise

MOUSTACHE THURSDAY: MARK SPITZ

Today’s Moustache Thursday, which is certainly not to be confused with Mustache Wednesday, is Olympian hero Mark Spitz!

Spitz, as you may recall, won seven gold medals in Munich in 1972, an unbroken record to this day. If you’re under 40, you may not know that regardless of her marital status at the time, your mother wanted to fuck the living shit out of Mark Spitz. Well, at least until he talked, anyway. So you may lament the fact that when you look in the mirror, you don’t see what’s staring back at you right here. Blame your mother’s lack of dedication. If she wanted Spitz, she should have tried harder, and now look at you.

Happy Moustache Thursday, motherfuckers!



Filed under: Mustaches, swim damn you swim  by Oops Pow Surprise

THE MOODY BLUES

USC transfer Emmanuel Moody is having trouble adjusting to the Florida offense. “What do you mean, ‘block for Tebow on every single play’?”

(H/T: The Wiz, of course)



Filed under: Southeastern Conference, Tebow is an exception to rules  by Oops Pow Surprise

CURIOUS INDEX, 3/20/08

This post is brought to you by Three Inches of Bloodsport (WARNING: Pops directly to loud audio, workers beware), the greatest concert you will attend today. Click the link, leave it open for 15 minutes, and bask in the glory. There’s nothing you can pay money to see that’s half as entertaining. Nothing.

Goodbye, gorgeous: Those of you who are still members of the Virginia Tech Hokies, please raise your hands. Not so fast, Brandon Ore. Or Marcus Vick (What’s he still doing here? Security!!!). Ore was unceremoniously dismissed from the team by Frank Beamer yesterday, citing factors that, though comprising dozens of words, all sound exactly like “tired of his shit.” Ore is a redshirt senior, which means he’s about to make a I-AA team very happy next fall. Until they tire of his shit too, of course, but whatever. In the meantime, SMQ breaks it down harder than the fifteen seconds before Hammer Time.

Nothing going on today: Boy, it’s just a lazy Thursday, isn’t it? Football’s over five months away, most teams aren’t in on the spring practices yet, baseball’s a few days away… not much to talk about in sports at all, is there? Nope.

Oh, that: Yes, it’s the greatest day for college basketball, and here I am running EDSBS. This makes so much sense. Orson has taken the correct approach to filling out his bracket: a massive dose of firearms. Good luck with Belmont!

Hey look, the trustees think they have a say in the matter!: Penn State trustees have announced that they’ll be looking at the Joe Paterno situation at their next meeting, which is adorable. Joe Paterno will take the field at Happy Valley next fall, either under contract or by Napoleonic force. Mock his diminutive stature and zoological classification of “mangoblin” if you must, but Paterno has the resiliency that only comes from absurd science fiction, like Rocky or Rudy or The Little Engine That Could (in real life, all three would have been sold for spare parts). Plus the last time PSU AD Tim Curley tried to talk to JoePa about leaving, his marriage was ruined.


Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, Uncategorized, and that is tough titties for you, it's spring again, office moshpit starts now!  by Oops Pow Surprise

THE CURIOUS INDEX IS COMING SOON. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH US.

Pardon the tardiness as I get myself acclimated with WordPress, if by “get myself acclimated” I mean “scream like Sam Kinison and gouge my eyes out with an old ballpoint pen.” We’re sure you’re all very, very concerned about the state of football today on this, the single worst day for football news of the year, but hang tight, we’re on it. Either that or we go legitimately call-the-cops-honey-make-sure-they-bring-the-taser crazy. No real middle ground on this one.



Filed under: Uncategorized  by Oops Pow Surprise

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