The latest in our series “Stuff ____ People Like, brazenly stolen from Stuff White People Like, focuses on Michigan, our neighbor to the north and legendary football power. Hoover Street Rag has the real, lovely, affectionate, honest list over on their blog, and we suggest you visit it. For cheap, painful stereotypes, please continue and read ours, put together in a true team effort by the EDSBS staff and reviewed by traitorous Wolverines fans who shall remain nameless. Enjoy?
Things Maize and Blue People Like
Weltschmerz. Grrrrr: Sodden gray skies, the biting wind, and tight white underpants. Show Michigan fans a twenty dollar bill, and they will tell you it’s not a sawbuck, but rather two thousand sad pennies waiting to clatter on the ground and roll into the sewer grate of life.
Michigan fandom: the mast is broken, and you are surrounded by sharks. Let’s not even talk about the weather.
Life’s a bitch, and doesn’t deserve the reward of your tears or your joy. 9-0 isn’t an accomplishment: it’s only the brokedick ineptitude of the nine chumps they had to play to that point that allowed them to get that far…and even then, the light that they’re seeing is the oncoming train, or the massive lantern fish hanging out a lure to get them within gobbling range.
Life is pain. Pain is life. And the bright summer day of joy is just waiting until you relax to toss a rogue lighting strike right up your ass, chum-o. That’s why they don’t stand at football games: because fate only strikes those brainless enough to attract notice by standing. If Icarus could be added to the Zodiac, Michigan fans would all fall under its sign. The month of November would have to be its calendar slot to accommodate the inevitable loss to Ohio State.
Immobile White Quarterbacks. Remember these categories are not exclusive: many schools have had a jones for cannons in snowshoes. (See: USC, Florida, Miami, Texas Tech.) None, though, approach the consistency with which Michigan has planted catapult-equipped honkie statuary in the backfield. (more…)
