The debate over replacing the retiring Reveille VII (that prounounced “vaiiiii”) at Texas A&M has gotten quite spirited for a place priding itself on military traditions like order and swift decision-making. To wit:

“I think Reveille VIII should be an American collie because it’s tradition, and isn’t that what A&M’s all about?” freshman general studies major Emily Hudson said.

Many aren’t so sure.

“Reveille should be a mutt. [Collies] are really spastic and hard to train. And mutts, since they have a mixture of all different genes, they tend to be a lot smarter,” junior marketing major Kelley Baxter said.

Yeah, that’s right. Listen to the person who’s actually declared a major, Texas A&M, and back up because we ’bout to drop some policy:

EDSBS Policy: Texas A&M, you should get a mutt. First, it sets an exemplary standard for your community and for the rest of the world as a whole if you adopt a stray dog-just like the first Reveille-and take it back to campus to become the new, freshly dewormed mascot of your school. It would be timely, too, since stray dogs are the third-greatest threat to Americans in their homes, topped only by our natural enemy the sun and, of course, Kimbo Slice.

All they want is love, your garbage, and a soft place to lay down. Oh, and occasionally a child stolen from the neighbors’ yard to play with, but isn’t that what the road trip to Austin every other year is for? Exactly. Our bluetooth devices are communicating smoothly and processing nicely here.

Slow down your heart rate, man. He’s getting angry!

Second, do not just get any mutt that comes along. No, Aggies, you must select a hoodtastic mix of some of nature’s gnarliest dog breeds all force-humped into a single physical vessel through a genetic lineage so convoluted Mormon polygamists would weep at its complexities. Chow, pit bull, Rottweilers, Cane Corsos, Doberman Pinschers, Anatolian Shephereds, German Pit Chows, Dogo de Argentinas, Brazilian Mastiffs, the rare but powerful Scythian Rape Terrier…all of them need to be present in one form or another here. The final product should look something like Cerebrus, the three headed dog guarding the gates of hell, but only after the bad ass middle head decided it was tired of all the other heads’ yapping and ate them in a 35 second display of horrifying, impressive ferocity.

Take care to raise it with humans and socialize it early and often. And never, ever, leave it with fewer than three people at once, and try to keep it away from flashing lights and loud yells. For football games, sedate with 200 mg Seconal, or whatever amount will get it to a manageable level of fury. It all sounds like trouble, but if you want the Hound of the Baskervilles as envisioned by a Russian bioweapons lab, then you pay the price, amigos.

Oh, and if the Brazos Animal Shelter doesn’t have one of those lying around, you might consider contacting a Russian bioweapons lab. Those people do great work. For an example, just look at Terrence Cody. He cost Saban a pretty pony (no typo-Saban has to feed him one each day), but 900 pound defensive tackles don’t grow all by themselves.