Your patron saint of spicy living this week: Michael Caine, who when asked about starring in the abominable Jaws: The Revenge said: “I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” He also slept with Bianca Jagger in her prime, made Albert the Butler into a former Burmese guerilla-killing badass in Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, said the best “bloody whore” in all of cinema in Get Carter,, and uttered the line “She’s in fine condition” while groping a young lovely in Alfie, and will beat your ass in a staring contest. Cheers, sir. To the living spicy-style…
Drink.
Holly: The Dark and Stormy. It’s summertime, and that means hurricane season for your poor livers. Batten down your hatches with this sweet-but-deadly combination of dark rum, ginger beer, and lime over ice. Make it with black Gosling rum or not at all. (And that’s ginger beer, not ginger ale. What are we, savages?)
Orson: The Rusty Nail.I know. It’s high blasphemy to actually tell scotch fans what you’re actually tasting when they pour you a tumbler full of something expensive that still tastes like fried badger assholes.
“Mmm, can’t you taste the peat? And the hints of caramel?” (more…)
Click the picture above to see what riders meant when they were complaining about safety issues at this years Giro d’Italia (besides a course including numerous opportunities to fall into ravines.) If Texas fans were only this enthusiastic in the stands, DKR would be a viper’s nest for opposing teams. (Michigan fans aren’t the only ones who suffer from Downinfrontitis, and this comes directly from Texas fans.)
Perhaps it’s the pills. Or maybe the fact that dancing hurts at this point, meaning we just kind of have to bop around in our chair like a toddler fired up on orange juice and life. Either way this song’s been on a constant loop this whole week, and it’s completely fucking brilliant.
Faster, catch up, you’re gassed and falling behind. A year or so after we happily admitted Florida was the new Miami-well, here comes the Redbird reading group. This is not to say WOO WE RIGHT-far from it. It’s to say you slow, boy. Put yo’ rabbits in gear.
MILES: Son of a bitch, whose keys are these?! Just go read this, and see if you can’t actually see Lane Kiffin really using his intro line in real life.
Bobby Lowder, retired. From banking, not from meddling with the Auburn football program as their primary booster of influence and fiddler-in-chief. Retired or not in his professional life, his real vocation is the Auburn football program, meaning if anything he’ll have more time to jack around with coaches. Gene Chizik: a harumph out of you please. (Watch your ass.)
You suck. Love, anonymous. The biggest issue for HRNGH BOO INTERNET types re: criticism of anonymity of bloggers: use the email address. Back when we were hiding in plain sight, if someone emailed us with a WTF email, we’d generally be happy to talk about it. If a blogger posting under a fabulous and fake name doesn’t respond to emails period, then it’s a problem. It’s a refusal to treat the other party in the interaction as what they are-a person deserving of individual respect-that is the problem, non anonymity.
Lee Corso had a minor stroke. He will be fine and recover completely in time for the 2009 season. No word on exactly when it happened, but it might have happened here at the :14 second mark.
GIGGITY! Houston Nutt is waiting until the trial of Jamar Hornsby on assault charges to make up his mind about the former Florida safety fond of using dead people’s credit cards for living expenses and beating up fast food workers with brass knuckles. It would be hasty since twice is a coincidence, and three times is just coincidence with a stutter.
“It’s real simple to say, ‘Next,’ but we’ve spent a lot of time, do a lot of research, get pretty close to the guy, feel like there’s a relationship there that you can maybe help him,” said Nutt, who will welcome Scout’s 17th-ranked recruiting class to campus this summer. “That’s one of the reasons we’re in the business, is to help them. But there’s a double-edged sword on that deal. He’s got to help himself too, he’s got to do things right.”
Like not hitting people with brass knuckles, for instance, when they neglect to put mayo on your burger. It’s a scholarship offer, though, so Houston Nutt will just treat like any of the other 458 commits he gets every cycle,
anticipating their eventual trip down to Mississippi’s endless community college system.
(BTW, the Mississippi economy is entirely supported by casinos, catfish, and community colleges existing solely to funnel struggling non-qualifiers up to large football programs. Add in John Grisham and booze, and you’ve pretty much got the entire GDP of the state in a single description. )
Oh, and this doesn’t sound as bad as it looked on paper.
Clemson has a long and storied tradition of football excellence. This is not about any of it, and neither is the following story.
Fear not, fair citizens of Clemson. The scourge of drunk scooter driving has been eradicated for the moment thanks to the diligent work of local police and the blind stupidity of starting center Barry Humphries, arrested for a drunk driving charge on May 2nd when he was picked up at 4:59 a.m. by police. Even Dabo Swinney knows this is funny-um, yes, deadly serious:
Even though he was on a motor scooter, we take this charge seriously.
Of course you do: that’s why you suspended him two games, even if you were giggling when you did it. By the way, 4:59 is hellaciously late by anyone’s standards, and a time when unless you are waking up to lift weights and milk cows (or lift cows and milk weights, if you’re a real badass.) If you doubt this, consult the Swindle Nightlife Gazetteer’s “Hours/Activities Chart:”
12:00-1:00 a.m.: Dancing. Bar games executed at competent to excellent level. Mackin’. Mild nibbling of appetizers.
1:00-2:00 p.m. Demonstrating still confident yet ironic ability to “lean with it.” (more…)
“That really hurt..it kinda sucks…”…and according to Minnesota’s media guide, it did not happen.
The reporter’s funereal tones are delicious here. Anyway, unlike last week’s quasi-bullshit story about Notre Dame completely whitewashing Charlie Weis’ record in the ND media guide, this appears to be complete non-oversight excision in action.
In an only tangentially related note, Play4Brew, Coach Brewster’s site, has the cleverest subtle marketing tool to possible recruits: a built-in player streaming Minneapolis rapper Atomsphere’s “Shhh” and Gopher fight songs and highlight clips. The gesture’s nice, but hope they don’t pay attention to the lyrics:
Got trees and vegetation in the city I stay
The rent’s in the mail and I can always find a parking space
and…
The nightlife ain’t all that, but that’s okay
I don’t need to be distracted by the devil every day
Andre Debose, like many top recruits, had “ample parking” and “ain’t-all-that” nightlife listed high on his preferences of what to look for in a school.
37 points seems vulgar, and awesome. Um...it won’t be this lopsided, unless it is. You don’t really understand this. You know it, but you won’t understand it until it happens: if Florida gets up, you will not want to watch what happens. Oh, sure, you want to see a zombie exorcism until you get in the room and start actually watching it happen. Then you ask yourself, “Oh, wait. What was I thinking? This is horrifying,” and run for the door screaming. The only ones left in the room will be Florida fans, and we will be pantsless and pleasuring ourselves in unholy ways. (So, pretty much what happens half the time anyway.)
Hey, now, Arkansas is a conference game. Adjusting for schedule, Boise State had the worst discrepancy between their own talent and their opponents’ in 2008, but you can’t blame them too much, as the WAC remains the WAC. (Double free points to all customers all Saturday long, and on some Thursdays, too!) Florida
is on the list, since we feel the need to fill the pockets of Gainesville towing companies with a luxurious 12th game against the Charleston Southerns of the world. It also pays for big GATOR FACE FLASH ANIMATION GROWL.
Since no one’s talking about them, they might be quite good. Athlon has Cal at 11. We will believe any ranking if you have Jahvid Best on your team, because he is pure terror in compression shorts and a helmet. Also, unlike prior years, there’s very little early static about their potential excellence, meaning they might actually do pretty well. YOU DIE AND GO TO HELL ATHLON SHHHHHH.
Suck it, boyo. JoePa on Notre Dame joining an expanded Big Ten in the land of the lurid hypothetical:
“There’s some pressure, I would suppose, to maybe go back to Notre Dame and ask again, which I would not be happy with,” Paterno said. “I think they’ve had their chance.”
Notre Dame can probably live with the heartbreak of not having to deal with the biggest dickface in the universe and his magnificent network. Currently airing? 2003 Michigan at Minnesota, football. Why continue this charade: the only reason we find the Big Ten Network to be such a convenient punching bag is its dickface architect, Jim Delany, and the fact that the Big Ten is very kickable right now. Put Arkansas Kentucky 2003 on at 9:30 in the
morning, and we’re totally watching all seven overtimes happily. (Jumping snake-handing Jesus: DeCori Birmingham had 196 yards in that game on 40 carries. Matt Jones had 112 yards, but his stamina was slightly aided, ifyaknowwhattameancocaine.)
…even though no Fulmer Cup points are awarded, former Marshall recruit A.J. Graham’s arrest two hours before graduation deserves at least a tip of the cap for pure “grandeur in stupidity. “
Since you’re owed twice the normal amount of Mustache today due to completely forgetting Mustache Wednesday last week, we give you a rare but deserved repeat today: Wilford Brimley, real cowboy, thespian, and diabeetus disco diva.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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