For some reason, Taylor Mays is coming back to play football at USC. Why Mays would want to leave the idyllic, sun-dappled scene of USC, where he wakes each morning covered by a blanket of five to eight naked young women huddled around him for warmth, is beyond our understanding. Perhaps he believes he can improve on a laser-timed 4.32 40 yard dash. Perhaps he is limited in his actions by the demands of Directive 4, which keeps him from turning on the engineers who built him, or from bolting to the NFL until he absolutely has to. It’s scary either way.
Also, Jorvorskie Lane weighed 295 at his Shrine Bowl workout, but had good hands (for to catch the food! HAHAHAHAHA.)
Do we post this or not should we or not is it whatever go ahead: (SFW, but probably not SFW, no?)
Yes, and all of you mighty blog commenters out there, please remove the two flawless, Anita Ekberg 1955 quality women from your huge cocks, flex your immaculate abs, and comment on the young woman’s physique in a negative fashion. That would be something we’ve never heard on the internet before! Break new ground! Be a pioneer! Fear is the enemy of progress!
We got a text message immediately after the Jeff Jagodzinski affair surfaced that read: “If Boston College were a girl, she’s have those crazy girl bangs right across the forehead.” Just like that girl, the one who dumped Jeff Jagodzinski for so much as flirting with another lady, someone else is stepping into that bear trap foot-first: the nice guy who hung around long enough to finally hook up, BC defensive coordinator Frank Spaziani.
Spaziani, seen here seconds after being shot in the ass with a spear gun by BC AD Gene DiFilippo, who thought he was looking at another woman in the stands.
Spaziani knows the particular bear trap he’s stepping into, and will likely not flirt with any other ladies UNLESS HE WANTS TO DIE IN HIS SLEEP AND YOU HAVE TO SLEEP SOMETIME DON’T YOU FRANK?!?! [/brandishes scissors.] Spaziani produces extremely good defenses, is beloved by players, and has been at BC since 1997. At the age of 61, he’s not likely to be promiscuous or even flirtatious with other programs, though he should share his password to his email and voicemail because YOU WOULDN’T BE HIDING ANYTHING FROM ME FRANKIE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND WOULD KILL MYSELF AND MAYBE YOU AND YOUR DOG IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT ANOTHER WOMAN OR FOOTBALL PROGRAM FRANK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
We have an anonymous account of the poor, wretched sorority girl who beshat herself at the national title game, and we found it intriguing both for its clinical description of the situation, its veracity, and its sympathy for the poor girl involved-whose picture may no longer appear on Georgia Sports, but whose image is still burned into our forebrain.
Our own commentary is interlaced in between the italicized account. Remember: drinking is an adventure. Some adventures end with you holding the Crystal Skull and riding into the sunset on horseback victorious. Some adventures end with you hopeless and broken on the rocks with vultures pecking at your insides while you look on in mute horror. (See: Carrion Death, one of the most unintentionally funny Tales from the Crypt episodes ever. Kyle Maclachlan can act!)
Image result one for “alcoholic adventures,” and a much kinder image that the one we could have used here.
The account:
My buddies and I were tailgating when one of us noticed this girl popping a squat and peeing — or so we thought. The worst thing about it? She was 15 feet from two toilets.
We will state for the record that the toilet situation outside Dolphins Stadium was bad, but not abominable. (more…)
You may remember Troy wide receiver Josh Jarboe from his prior life as an unaccompanied freestyle rapper at Oklahoma, where lines like “If she like barbecue I put my meat up on her grill” got him kicked off the team after this video made it onto the internets:
Jarboe will add to his fabulous minor-league thug resume by opening up Fulmer Cup scoring for 2009 with a charge almost as colorful as his red/pink dreads from the OU video: misdemeanor harrassment, a single point for Troy in the Fulmer Cup and establishing them as the first team to put points on the board this season.
Just asked a friend of mine if he’d been to saga and then asked him if a fight had broken out. He said, “no, a football player up and choked some chic” “that dude from oklahoma or something?”
One of our favorite grammatical constructions is “Up and [verb]+ed.” It implies a sudden burst of wild or unpredictable behavior, like “After two quarters of mediocre football, Tim Tebow up and got the asskick stick out on Oklahoma.” Josh Jarboe just up and opened the Fulmer Cup season.” One point to Troy, officially popping the cherry of this season.
Michael Bay is suing Myron Rolle for copyright infringement. Because the Florida State safety and Rhodes Scholar will bypass the NFL draft this year to attend Oxford University, where he pick up a master’s in medical anthropology, return to enter the NFL draft in 2010, finish his NFL career, then attend med school, and then open a clinic for the poor in the Bahamas before joining a super-secret elite government unit dedicated to studying and fighting alien terrorists. Only part of that is false, and thus the lawsuit from Bay, who swears this is a character from his new script Jihad from Area 51.
The dating pitch for Rolle abroad, though, is already taken care of:
Who knew Maryland was so popular? Hell in a Red Shell will nod their head and wonder what the fuss is about, but what the hell about Maryland made the Humanitarian Bowl’s rating jump 200 percent? Ratings overall were up, including a ten percent bump for the BCS Title game.
McCoy Returning! Gerald McCoy for Oklahoma, that is. LeSean and Colt will both enter the NFL draft in all likelihood, thus reducing the percentage of absurd first names by .03 in college football. The arrival of Shavodrick Beaver should compensate for both of them.
On Urban Meyer’s fridge: Get Money, Get Paid. Urban Meyer will earn an extra $375K for the SEC title, BCS Title, and for a top ten finish, missing only the SEC and AP Coach of the Year award bonuses. Both of these went to Nick Saban, who could really use the money on top of his $4 mil a year. Just kidding-these checks will both sit uncashed on his kitchen island for weeks before anyone notices.
Second degree burn; source, hot pizza. Chase Daniel says he had a thumb injury the second half of the season for MIssouri. As a sufferer of the cheese whiplash neck burn resulting from a piece of cheese snapping and whipping across the chin and neck while eating a hot slice, we sympathize, Chase.
The yearly tweaking of the rules is now on the docket, and let us humbly propose one rule in sore need of tweakage: the transfer rule, a bit of earth-salting schools may use on recruits who transfer out of programs. Robert Marve received an especially poxy variant of the treatment, with Miami refusing to allow Marve to transfer to an ACC school, in-state, or even to an SEC school. Now, it’s USC transfer Vidal Hazelton’s turn for a dose:
Vidal Hazelton, the former USC wide receiver from Staten Island, has been barred from talking to any Pac-10 teams and Notre Dame in his search for a new school, the Torrance Daily Breeze reported on Thursday.
Well, transferring to Idaho is still on the table.
Hazelton’s from Staten Island, NY, so declaring West Coast verboten likely isn’t that big a deal for someone wanting to transfer closer to home. That’s not the point: Hazelton should have the right to transfer wherever he can get an offer, and USC shouldn’t be allowed to hold him once he’s made the decision to transfer. The year penalty-or some variation thereof-makes sense to discourage transfers, but restricting where a player goes after the transfer makes not using the word “chattel” very, very difficult when talking about players’ relationship with schools in the NCAA.
In sum, it is a crappy situation. (Hey, at least Florida crapped itself in an individual case, as opposed to 22 players doing it all at once on the field at home against Alabama and in Jacksonville.)
IN YOUR BIG ORANGE PANTS IT’S TIME TO DANCE!!! Regardless of whether the big man in Orange is there anymore or not, the Fulmer Cup retains both its name and scoring system for 2009. DANCE AND ELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF ANOTHER OFFSEASON!!!
The Fulmer (Memorial) Cup celebrates in Bronx Cheer fashion those in collegiate athletics most prone to testing the bounds of civil and criminal code with outlandish, illegal, and sometimes injurious behavior. If you’re joining us for the first time here: the Fulmer Cup awards points for programs based on charges filed against players from said programs, with the points going to a collective tally for each school.
This solves two problems with one stone: killing time during the interminable offseason, and determining the answer to the age-old message board question, “Is your football program geniunely more thuggish than mine?”
This humble website awards the points based on the rules, which are as follows, but with a few minor tweaks this season:
ORSON SWINDLE FAQs Got leisure time? Care to waste it? Learn more about Orson Swindle here.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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