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TAYLOR MAYS TO RETURN; JORVORSKIE LANE WEIGHS 295 POUNDS

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For some reason, Taylor Mays is coming back to play football at USC. Why Mays would want to leave the idyllic, sun-dappled scene of USC, where he wakes each morning covered by a blanket of five to eight naked young women huddled around him for warmth, is beyond our understanding. Perhaps he believes he can improve on a laser-timed 4.32 40 yard dash. Perhaps he is limited in his actions by the demands of Directive 4, which keeps him from turning on the engineers who built him, or from bolting to the NFL until he absolutely has to. It's scary either way.

Also, Jorvorskie Lane weighed 295 at his Shrine Bowl workout, but had good hands (for to catch the food! HAHAHAHAHA.)