THIS WEEK IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL EXPLAINED IN A SERIES OF GRAPHS
Life is complex, and requires graphs. This week in College Football Graphs follows. This is science, and not subject to debate.
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1
ed says:
seriously, how many other coaches’ wives has les miles slept with?
November 11th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
2
Hef says:
Each and every one of these was fucking brilliant. Well done, team.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
3
letthisfeatureliveforever says:
Outstanding. I’m not sure there is a more succint and accurate way to sum up current TV/Radio personalities than the awesome/smug/criminally insane/loud presentation.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
4
Sham says:
I am not alone in thinking you make Ghandi look like a child pornographer!
November 11th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
5
hailstate says:
Good stuff.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
6
GamecockTony says:
$100 for squirrel removal?
You don’t own a BB gun and a paper sack from the grocery store?
November 11th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
7
#50 says:
You sycophantic Domers, these graphs totally sucked. This is the kind of as kissery that keeps Charlie Weis in office and prevents him from single-handedly pushing the national rate of unemployment in this country from 10.2% to 11.57%. Seriously, the graphs were funny but actually complimenting ya’ll kind of goes against the spirit of this site in the first place. I don’t come here to read about puppies and kitties so keep making your terrible graphic representations that make me laugh despite them being droll and bitter. Go Gators.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
8
Mikey says:
Is there a typo in the flow chart? I think there is but I use Google Chrome and there is no telling if it renders shit right. If it is a typo, I would have to vote brilliant instead of fucking brilliant due to not finishing the drill and proofreading.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
9
jacketexan says:
@ #6 - I am laughing myself silly imagining them trying that method with Weis.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
10
NatiJacket says:
So… beautiful…… I think I have something in my eye.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
11
Cryin' Irish says:
I disagree completely with the people you’ve labeled awesome. both should be in the smug box, criminally insane should be a rece davis addition.
mark may is both smug and loud.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
12
Signal to Noise says:
You forgot Uncle Verne in the “AWESOME” category but other than that, spectacular.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
13
Tim James says:
Deonte Thompson just threw his hands up in disgust after seeing this post.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
14
SafetyDan says:
@#9, I hear the AD tried rat poison last year, but it had no noticable impact on Charlie.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
15
collegegameballs says:
fan-fuckin-tabulous
I’m very surprised to learn it only takes one procedure to remove a pesky Charlie Weis.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
16
tzubear says:
kudos for your blindside graphic. I amazes me how thoroughly they fucked up that book. Even by Hollywood standards, it is horroibly inept.
I can understand the tendency to try to dumb down material for a target audience. Reminds me of the players line from Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are dead “Audiences know what they expect and that is all they are prepared to believe in”.
When you are given a cheat sheet of good quality and you end up with this unsulting piece of crap, that isnt even entertaining (the purpose of the dumb down) it speaks voulumes of a dying industry.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
17
rtr says:
@16: Unsulting, while not a word, is in fact the right word there.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
18
NatiJacket says:
@8 Yeah theres a typo. “Are the currently coaching” should read “Are they currently coaching”
November 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
19
okiedomer says:
any reference to smell yo dick warrants an automatic +100 cocktails
is it too early to give riskay a kennedy center honor?
November 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
20
Slate Quicksilver says:
If you put a spinner with an arrow on graph #2, you have Steve Addazio’s playbook.
Well done, sir.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
21
Kriess says:
Graphs are such a beautiful thing. they put misery into perspective.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
22
cantcatchuf says:
If I were of the entrepreneuring type, I would print out that Addazzio chart, add Slate Quicksiler’s spinner arrow idea, and sell them outside the Swamp on gameday.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
23
hobeg8r says:
The way I see it, there is a brief moment when the players/coaches get off of the bus at Wiliams Brice Stadium at which time Gator fans could rush Addazio and put him on a bus to Memphis. I figure it would take 3 or 4 people at most. Meet at the railroad cars at 11AM to finalize plan.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
24
JacketAndCoke says:
I demand something on Paul Johnson. Perhaps a graph of the subset fo women who can handle his gargantuan nutz. Percentage of people on earth who would play pker vs him etc. Orson you’ve missed by failing to include something epic there.
Other than that I cried reading it.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
25
KYGator says:
One time Charlie Weis tried to remove about 75% of himself with one procedure. First it almost removed 100% of Charlie Weis and then it failed to remove any of Charlie Weis, so that may just be one pest you’re stuck with.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
26
Counter Trap says:
Also missing from awesome: Ron Franklin.
Mark May needs an additional ven overlap for “Froggy surrender monkey looking” eyewear.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
27
Orson Swindle says:
There’s only so much room in the awesome bubble, because Venn diagrams take up a lot of room.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
28
meatybob says:
Rece Davis needs his own super fucking awesome category. Desmond Howard and Andre Ware as well. Not sure what to do with the Mormon guy who has a face like an eagle.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
29
slingle says:
Got to add Doc Walker to Awesome. I know he is on Raycom and he is calling ACC games but who else would call DaQuan Bowers a Cyborg Werewolf?
November 11th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
30
Mark says:
Chris Fowler gives up his “awesome” spot when he does a Virginia Tech game, though; his “Beamerball” slobbering in the UNC game was unseemly. He slobbered more than Lou Holtz.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
31
Brian says:
I’m wondering where Bob Davie ranks in the venn diagrams. Loud, or just insane? FOOTBAW!!!
November 11th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
32
marshiebaby says:
I got an Idea - why dont we direct Addazio to the team bus while the rest of the team gets on the da plane, less time to continue his indoctrination of the dive play. “Dive play is run by 180 pounders - dive play is run by 180 pounders - dive play is run by 180 pounders” I here if he keeps saying it and clicks his heals three times that makes it true…
November 11th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
33
PalmettoTiger says:
The 3 Daves deserve their own circle.
Of Hell.
PT
November 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
34
Jebus says:
Michigan fans are definitely approaching Tyrone.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
35
SC'Eer says:
The announcer’s graph caused nasally-ejected coffee. Well done.
I do think that the “getting down with beyonce hoo wee” line on the Bill Stewart graph would get a “no thank you m’am” in real life. But I understand the dramatic tension needed for the piece.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
36
Ted Valentine says:
Bubbles not picutred on Venn diagram
((Tongue cortex wired too close to hands cortex: Jesse Palmer))
November 11th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
37
diamondm says:
You need to add another totally white quarterback with a ridiculous name to your graph: Bo Levi Mitchell (SMU), “affectionately” known as Bo Levi “Pick 6″ Mitchell to SMU fans.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
38
Orson's Love Slave says:
Orson-
I look forward to your offensemeeting my defense in Pasadena come January.
Regards,
Coach Boom
P.S Sergio Kindle will be texting.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
39
Tim James says:
Paul Johnson would fit best on the Coaches Poll ballot. After “Did he sleep with your wife” include a “He is Paul Johnson” followed by “Reduce ranking of your own team five spots.”
November 11th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
40
Tim James says:
@37:
After the Oklahoma game, I can’t imagine anyone looking forward to either of those offenses meeting a league-leading defense. Especially a television audience.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
41
PeterPumpkinhead says:
I love this bit. LOVE IT. LOVE. IT… This needs to find a way to continue into the off season… would definitely help with the withdrawal symptoms.
One thing this time, though… Cowherd should be in his own circle, and instead of a label, it should just have a picture of Rosanne Barr’s asshole.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
42
Keith Byars' Right Foot says:
#11 Mark May represents the purest form of refined smug you will find on this planet. Maybe someday, when our cybernetic ancestors are mining the Oort Cloud for precious minerals, we’ll find a source of smug that approaches the distilled self-satisfaction present in every Mark May sigh and twitch. But I doubt it.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
43
Tim James says:
I thought Mark May’s smug was an act to counter Lou Holtz’s insanity, and that he was supposed to be a surrogate for the common cynical football fan who rolls his eyes at the thought of ND in the MNC game.
But I don’t watch enough of him to understand.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
44
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Lee Corso is a…Dept:
Where would Corso fit in the diagram?
November 11th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
45
Streit says:
What about Joe Cox? Ridiculous name - any person named “COX” fits into the category - check. Quarterback - if you call it quarterbacking - check. Crackerness? The dude is a ginger for crying out loud. There doesn’t get any more cracker than that. - Check!
November 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
46
Jahosafat says:
Wow. I don’t know if this comes solely out of the head of Sr. Swindle or if it’s a Shakespeare-esque conspiracy, but honestly I dont care. This is quantifiably incredible -> for each graph, beer for life in Baton Rouge. Just let us know when you’ll be here. (I’m guessing fall of 2011.)
November 11th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
47
jacketexan says:
Shouldn’t Jaybo Shaw be in there with Colt McCoy?
November 11th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
48
Brian O'Blivion says:
Colin Cowherd is Loud, Smug and Awesome. That is all.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
49
Seth says:
Incredible. Great great post. I will save this for the cold cold offseason… “Arr, these pictures will serve me
well on those lonely nights at sea.”
November 11th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
50
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Enigma Wrapped in a Puzzle Dept:
Cowherd is an Engima wrapped in a puzzle type.
He has a face for radio, that is for sure.
At least Cowherd talks college footbaw constantly, unlike the other radio monkeys, and sometimes makes sense. He has been killing Notre Dame lately. I think he dislikes ND and Weiss more than me, actually!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
51
Hef says:
Anyone know a good website that makes venn diagrams for you? If not, copyright!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
52
Brian O'Blivion says:
I actually had no idea what Cowherd looked like, so I searched for him, and “face for radio” doesn’t come to mind when I saw his picture. Now Holly Rowe on the other hand….
One of the toughest jobs is to be interesting for several hours on the radio every day, and Cowherd does that. And I generally dislike Yankee fans, but he’s an exception.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
53
Stacy Kiebler Luvs Me says:
Suggestion Box Dept:
Swindle should do a Poll Ranking on Radio Sports Hosts. Instead of Top 25, limit it to Top 10. Could look something like this:
1. Cowherd
2. Dan Patrick
3. Mike (but not other Mike, the one from Nueter Dame)
4. Jim Rome
5. Joe Garagiola (I am running out of names)
6. That guy from San Diego or Rancho Penney-Skeetas
7. Suzyn Waldman
8. Jack Buck
9. Soupy Sales
10. Jim Healy
November 11th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
54
Tater Salad says:
1. SVP. It’s not even close for me.
2. Cowherd
November 11th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
55
ed says:
hahahahahahah good stuff
November 11th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
56
gamedaytribe says:
I don’t know if you ever dreamt of becoming the human equivalent of pure crack cocaine, Orson, but
you’ve accomplished it.
To sham @4: No, I think it’s safe to say you’re the only one. The rest of us spell Gandhi, “Gandhi”, btw.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
57
Tanner says:
It may be selfish, but I think Dave Archer needs his own circle labelled “Drunk.”
November 11th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
58
gamedaytribe says:
This is an
interesting review of the original Michael Lewis book referred to by tzubear @16. I haven’t read it yet, but
now certainly intend to as soon as I can get hold of it.
And as great as that Stoppard line is, a truism endemic not just to people sitting in theaters, there’s one
in the same play more apt, perhaps:
“Good God! We’re out of our depths here!”.
Indeed.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:11 am
59
Mikey says:
@6
So GamecockTony, funny you would mention BB guns and paper sacks…What do you know about the incident at the Pilot in Tennessee…Tell the truth, they were going after Kiffykins and got distracted by the cornucopia of tube meat on hot rollers?
November 12th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
60
The Guys Get Shirts! says:
Okay, I’ve read it twice and I still don’t understand what the fuck #50 (comment no. 7) is talking about. Anyone?
November 12th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
61
Brizzle says:
Cowherd’s a douche, but at least he gets to work with that tasty little piece Michelle Beadle.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
62
JTG says:
If there were a Venn Diagram of my love for stupid charts and graphs and my love for EDSBS, this entry would be the intersection. Great work as always.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
63
Chodawg says:
In the Tebow graph, where’s the “OMG OMG OMG I’mGonnaCum Jump Pass”?
November 13th, 2009 at 9:17 am
64
bschoen says:
awesome and smug should intersect with fowler
November 16th, 2009 at 10:44 am
65
A'dazzio Fromage says:
Don’t forget the violent, biblical heaves toward Riley Cooper.
November 17th, 2009 at 9:34 am