Image source: Clay Travis.

Holly’s in transit today, so picks will just have to be up to yours truly. As we have no problem talking to the air itself, let’s get this monologue underway without delay.

Florida at South Carolina. The grumpiest 9-0 fanbase in the nation heads to Columbia to face the man who initially allowed them to look at 9-0 in the SEC and be grumpy, Spurrier the White, the (more…)

Tim Tebow uses Bible verses on his eyeblack, which crazy kidnapping rainbow wig guy did, and now they’re connected. Check, check, and blog post done.

The principle is transferable to so many other things, though. For instance, take Brandon Spikes. He is a fierce linebacker, swimming through blocks and sniffing out plays other predatory linebackers miss. He’s practically sharklike, we tell you. Sharks have a lot of positives traits. They kill things well. They never stop moving. They often RSVP for parties well before others and have a natural sensitivity to the issues of LGBT other fish don’t have. They’re sharks, they’re proud, and you can’t take that away from them unless you kill them and eat them. Then you’ve pretty much taken everything away from them, because you’ve eaten them.

Is this Brandon Spikes’ future? With the right insane associative rhetoric, IT VERY WELL COULD BE.

Sharks, who are just like Brandon Spikes and vice versa, can do the same to you, and that’s the problem. Sharks eat things randomly. You might see Brandon Spikes eating a license plate on the side of the road because it’s shiny one day, and then what are you going to do, Florida fans? Let’s not even get on the topic of what happens to pregnant sharks around other sharks.

A pregnant shark at a New Zealand aquarium was bitten by another shark, unexpectedly releasing four baby sharks as visitors watched.

An aquarium spokeswoman said stunned visitors saw the injured shark and alerted staff that they had also seen things float from the gaping wound.

What happens when Spikes finds shark love and then bites open his beloved because, well, he’s a shark and that’s what sharks do? Do you know how much shark day care costs? Or how strained your relationship with your shark in-laws will become, especially because sharks have such difficulty dealing with their emotions anyway? What about when he just begins attacking men who look like Robert Shaw? Do you know how many barrel chested sketchoid guys with mustaches there are in Florida? He’ll never have time for football.

(If this does happen, though, Chuck Amato should grow a mustache, and someone should film this for the benefit of NC State fans.)

WHAT THEN FLORIDA FANS? We’re just saying, he might want to switch to decaf, because then you’ll be stuck with all these shark babies you can’t eat at once, sharkbacker Spikes.

James Coley is the recruiting coordinator and tight ends coach at Florida State. In his spare time he flexes at walls, eyeballs chain link fences and accuses them of inconsistency, and walks into nurseries to yell at infants and remind them that life is hard and those who survive it even harder. WHY ARE YOU CRYING BABY BABIES NEED TO DRINK SORROW NOT MILK BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU STRONG.

The all-caps mania is less an exaggeration and more direct mimicry, as the following sample of Coley’s work on Twitter will illustrate.

Killing “misquitos” with an axe, brah: the intensity just wafts off that like a chili fart, or like the smoke off Christian Ponder’s freshly incinerated shoulder, coach. We’re with you. We’re getting out blunderbusses to shoot cockroaches. We’re petting dogs with giant cartoonish hands on sticks. We’re taking this double decker of ambition under the bridge of championshipness whether the bridge likes it or not. WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIINES!!!

It’s all quite entertaining, if in need of occasional rebuttal and clarification. For instance: statement one… (more…)