Orson: I say we do this by order of MEDIOCRE THINGS, because it is a mediocre weekend of football in general.

Holly: Huzzah, Homecoming!

Orson: Northwestern@ Iowa. Mediocre thing to match: Push-ups. Insubstantial, cold, and frustrating because after all that pushing and licking, it’s really just z-grade corn syrup, carageenan, and fake citrus flavoring all jammed in semi-appealing package. Iowa will be the nub left at the end, the little useless plastic wheel you’re left with at the end. We know where this season is headed, and it is sad Push-Up territory.

Holly: That you can’t quite suck all the orange froth out of. Although, don’t get me wrong, a transitive loss to Syracuse would reverse my desire to burn Ricky Stanzi as a witch.

Orson: Right. Neither team wears orange, but that would wreck a barely passable metaphor. (more…)

The Subcommandante needs not appear on this blog anymore thanks to the Redneck Rocker. Gimme blood! Gimme blood pollution!!! Your favorite Mountain Dew-drinkin’, hell-raisin’ redneck is back, and it’s seven minutes plus of pure FYAH.

“I look at Daryl Clark and see the nightmares he can open for Ohio State. And if that happens, Penn State will win by 30.” For the Redneck Rocker, every game is a Hellraiser Box to be opened with someone being ripped apart by chains, usually you, you non-Buckeye bitch. If a hipster needs to have their soul crushed today, just play this entire video and wait for Justice’s “Genesis” to crank through. Yes, he probably got it from the Cadillac commercial, but it should still reduce them to a fine, shimmering cloud of dust in a matter of seconds.

Urban Meyer has been fined $30,000 for his comments about SEC officiating, the logical endpoint of the SEC backing itself so far into a corner re: officiating. As Holly suggests, the proper greeting to this (as it is for so many things) is a thoroughly lazy wanking motion in the direction of the SEC offices, but not so for Meyer. He still has to pay the $30K, but no one has defined form of payment.

We have suggestions.

-7 freshly circumsised and adoptable Filipino baby boys. (No questions asked.)

“Yeah, seven. But it’ll cost you. Bob Tebow Ministries doesn’t run on prayer and happy thoughts alone.

-600,000 nickels delivered in cheap garbage bags.

-1749 copies of this (ON SALE) classic by seven-time Pulitzer Prize Winner and astronaut Mike Freeman.

-Check written from his Cayman Islands account. (Takes days to clear, sure to draw IRS audit.)

-Three live Siberian Tigers. Black market prices, and surely available on a moment’s notice in Miami.

-Coupon for five favorable calls made by SEC referees in the game of their choice.

All are roughly equivalent to $30K or so, and should suffice in making Mike Slive feel more Roger Goodell-ish by the moment.

Wyoming plays BYU this weekend. This marks an important point in the season for Dave Christensen and the Cowboys, who can continue the upward trend in a rebuilding year by getting above .500 and defeating a powerful conference foe in BYU. There is historical resonance here, too: this game marks the 40th anniversary of the Black 14 game in 1969. 14 black members of the Cowboys squad were kicked off the team that year for planning to wear black armbands in protest of BYU’s policies of racial discrimination. (The official policy of discrimination was lifted in 1978.) Wyoming won anyway by a margin of 40-7, but the incident caused a national stir anyway, and led to further incidents like this one against Colorado State in 1970.

Most notably, when BYU’s basketball team played at Colorado State the following winter (1970), protestors threw raw eggs and a flaming molotov cocktail on the floor, and a piece of angle iron struck a newspaper photographer, drawing blood and knocking him unconscious. Approximately 50 blacks and whites charged onto the floor at halftime to disrupt a performance by BYU’s Cougarettes, and police were called in to quell the riot.

That’s how one properly storms the floor. Enough history: bring on the Cougar dong, please.

Ahh, that’s much better. (HT: The geniuses at Shaggy Bevo.) Nothing clears up a moment of solemn reflection like a poorly placed Cougar tail and one kid in an orange hat who looks reaaaaaaallllly psyched about his mascot packing furry womb wand the size of a Claymore in his holy undergarments.

You may remember these adorable and yet soccer-lethal scamps from Outcasts United, Warren St. John’s book about the struggles and triumphs of a refugee soccer team located here in Atlanta. Well, they don’t call it non-profit without reason, and the fundraising never ends. Please take a moment to go to the Fugees Causes page on Facebook, where they’re engaged in a fierce battle for a $10,000 prize matching the number of donations made before 2:00 today. They’re about 35 donors behind, so take a moment to check out Fugees Family’s website, watch some ridiculously tough children introduce themselves, and then give whatever you can via Causes on Facebook here.

The recommended donation is $25, but you can give $10 or $100 or whatever you can, because it’s flexible like that. Fearless leader kicked in $50, but that’s because he keeps track of receipts come tax time and also happens to care about this cause very, very much.

Hit it, drunken soldiers of charity.