November 10, 2025
THE COACH WHO STARED AT GOATS
No, he’s not going to eat the goat. But the ever-accurate titles and graphics deserve as much compliment as the fine puppeteering.
HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER’S TOP 25, WEEK WHATEVER, SONNY
1. Suspenders, for the 746th week in a row.
2. Whole Plums. Codgers swear by prunes, but the pits are key. The digestive aid you can hear working.
3. Ted’s Drive-thru Smoked Fish, Liquor, and Mens Finery, A1A, West Palm Beach. All your needs in one place.
4. Accountants who don’t turn out to be housecats. I’ll get you, Colby Nolan.
5. Clydesdales. Mass transit Kentucky-style.
6. Squirrels. You’d think they’d make great corners, but we tried that in ‘85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn’t dare try it twice.
SABAN SUGGESTS OFFICIALS “MIGHT HAVE SOULS.”
Despite calling in another request for a game extension from their local Buffalo Wild Wings (sadly, no longer serving Weck) and getting exactly what they wanted, SEC fans will continue to complain about the officiating because they can, and because now with the advent of DVR and these fine internets even the most innocuous holding call can be scrutinized.
You should know the story has reached some kind of point of deflation when Nick Saban is telling the refs to go to the lake for a weekend, which we kind of would like to see a.) because it proves a point, and b.) because the resulting anarchy would make a soccer riot seem cordial in comparison.
“I just really do believe this: If I was an official, and I was making what I make officiating, because I love the game and I love doing it, and I was getting criticized by the media, including our announcers on TV, like these guys get criticized, I’d step back and say, ‘I think I’ll go to the lake this weekend. You can have this.’ That’s what I’d do,” Saban added.
If they did go to the lake they’d catch boots and call them fourteen pound largemouth bass, but that’s just the kind of year they’re having as a group. Officials around the nation will have another inexact and fallible day this coming Saturday because officiating is an art, not a science, and is practiced by frail, fallible humans who deserve your sympathy and understanding (after you’ve hit them in the skull with bottle from fifty feet away. Especially then.)
CURIOUS INDEX, 11/10/09
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YIP YIP YIP YIP. Happy birthday, cultural touchstone and formative experience: MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH. Totally. Totally. Totally. Totally. SENILE. SENILE. SENILE. SENILE. Bowden: “You mean when they got it (momentum)? Well, actually … you know, they had to kick off to us. We had a what? A three-point ….? Did we have the lead at the half?” TELEPHONE. TELEPHONE. TELEPHONE. TELEPHONE. Reporter: “They went ahead and then you guys came back.” Bowden: “Huh?” Reporter: “They went ahead and then you guys came back again.” Bowden: “Did we get ahead of them again after that?” Reporter: “Yeah.” Bowden: “Then we got back ahead, huh? Umm, it was going that way, you know it? I felt very comfortable that if they could score, we could score. That’s the way I felt, you know it? We’ve done it all year. But then we started turning the ball over.” AP-PUL-SAUCE. AP-PUL-SAUCE. AP-PUL-SAUCE. AP-PUL-SAUCE. You were just benched for a guy with one arm. Zach Collaros will not start for Cincinnati against West Fuckin’ Virginia on Friday, yielding to one-armed Tony Pike, who played brilliantly last year with a broken non-throwing arm so suck it, logic. Pike was the established starter before injuring the same arm and having the METAL PLATE IN HIS ARM SHIFT INSIDE HIS ARMFLESH. Football players are tough and you are not and this is your reminder of that. Oh, everything. That seems easy to fix. Urban Meyer has identified the problem with Florida’s offense, and it’s everything. Cool. Glad we’re clear on that now, Coach. The transition has “not been as smooth” as anyone has wanted on the coaching staff, lending credence to the theorized Addazio succession plan: Addazio will leave and become a head coach somewhere in the offseason, Scott Loeffler will move into the OC spot to bring Brantley along and morph the Meyer offense into something friendly for a pocket passer like Brantley, and all will be sunflowers and shiny new flamethrowers for the Florida offense again. Suck it, recession! Coaching salaries going up despite the economy, but seriously when was the last time you saw a homeless and jobless man walk in shoeless and call a decent game on defense? We mean, except for Joe Lee Dunn, that is. Punch, don’t lie. You know this is fiction, because T. Boone would build nothing but the shiniest outhouse of all shiny outhouses. |
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