We present our viewing guide to week one of the season, which you’ll take and like no matter how bad it is.

The “Starving Man Receives a Box of Raisins” Game: Tulsa versus UL-Monroe, 8/30/07, 7 p.m., ESPN2 Technically, the first toes to touch turf in official college action this year will be those of Tulsa and UL-Monroe. These teams, in case you are not familiar with the game of college football, are simply the two best teams in college football, perennial powerhouses steeped in tradition. That’s why they put it first!

How this happens each year is something we can only attribute to the necessarily anarchic world of college football scheduling, which functions a lot like the primary system in American politics or orifice slotting at an orgy. (”Hey, no cutting!”)

Tulsa, at least, does not enter the game without its own charms and intrigues. (more…)

He parachutes into stadiums. He conducts the band. He’s got a thorax. He’s been known to show up unannounced at black-tie functions.

Ladies and gentlemen: your daily affirmation starring America’s most bizarre yet lovable mascot.

From time to time, coaches feel the need to shill, most importantly because of contractual obligations and/or the burning desire to pocket some extra sheckels for the kids’ college fund. This yields bountiful comedy, usually of the delicious unintentional kind, especially during the season when the national feed trips for an instant to reveal the wavering, cheaply filmed videotape-quality shot of your coach saying something like…

At the University of ________, we only want the best. Just like the people at Evanson Mufflers and Brakes/Gastric Bypass/Whatever.

Even the greats are anything but immune. Cue Ara Parseghian and one of the most patently false lines ever penned and then force-spat from a coach’s mouth:

One of America’s great traditions is the luxury sedan. One wonders if Ara seized several times while saying this before several rounds of sedation and hypnosis allowed him to confidently belt out such a patently false line without blowing perfectly good blood vessels in his head. Just look at the shit-colored deathboxes behind him for proof: two of America’s ghastliest cars, the 5th Avenue with its “spacious interior…”

Ed! You can fit your legs in there!

…and the dismal setup of the cars. They appear to be two random, derelict vehicles sitting idly in the grass at a state highway median that the crew chose randomly.

Crew: Yeah. We’ll do it here.

(Laughter ensued!)

Parseghian gets an ‘A’ for effort, though, bravely plowing through thirty seconds of complete and utter untruth to make the pitch and pocket at least-we’re sure of this-eighty dollars and the complimentary use of a 1984 Chrysler Shambler Sedan for his troubles. Hey! It came with it’s own popcorn maker, which only spilled magma-hot butter on infants who sat in the front seat, mind you. Suck on that, Nader, you fucking safety geek.

The big board for this week, with clever name variation included for Illinoize. Thanks as always to Brian our Boardmaster, who is hung like Reggie Fuckin’ Nelson.

Notes, Corrections, and Total Spots of Derelict Negligence on Our Behalf.

You can get buck in the club, but only to a limited extent, sir. We’ve heard every imaginable version of the story now thanks to Alabama and Auburn fans’ extreme devotion to even the police beat of Crimson Tide news. Tuscaloosa police arrested him unfairly. Tuscaloosa police let off ten other football players who were throwing cars around and tossing infants for fun.

Whatever the actual case, there’s a police report with Alabama’s Simeon Castille getting arrested for a disorderly conduct charge in Tuscaloosa, earning one piddly point for the Tide in another sign their program may be getting back that lovin’ feeling: three arrests on the football team in the past month.

The Iowa Hawkeyes follow invert their football team’s pattern of performance from last year by tanking the first half of the season before finishing strong with a credit card fraud scam of felonious proportions emerging from Iowa City.

Dominique Douglas and Anthony Bowman were arrested for charging over $2,000 to credit cards that did not happen to belong to them. From Hawk Central:

According to complaints filed with Johnson County District Court, Douglas and Bowman made or attempted to make purchases from Hatworld, C&E Fashions and Sneakerhead using credit cards belonging to two separate victims.

Good to see they invested it in clothing, which according to Clinton and Stacy is an investment in you-albeit, one they obviously didn’t feel comfortable spending their own money on. Self-esteem, young men! Get thee some self-esteem! In the future, think of it as stealing from yourself, if you need a little buzz from the transaction. Three points for each felony charge are hereby awarded, bringing Iowa’s total to six points on the year.

Oh, and Douglas was their leading receiver from 2006. That might impact things a bit on the playing field, we think.

In Heaven there is no beer, just like South Bend. Jimmy Clausen gets a citation for underage possession in South Bend, which according to our sources is a virtual rite of passage in a town with a strange lack of tolerance for drunk 18 year-olds reigns. We love drunk 18 year-olds in Gainesville-they lose their wallets and their clothing so easily.

Even with Clausen’s single point and the arrest of Derrell Hand for soliciting a prostitute, Notre Dame still does not make the big board, even though like the BCS we have a spot between number 4 and number 8 reserved for them every year whether they deserve it or not.

Did he play de-fence, or of-fence? West Virginia has two players, J.T. Thomas III and Ellis Lankster, charged with receiving and transporting stolen property. Murky charges right now, so we’ll assume felony, award three points each for a total of six points, and dial up or down depending on the clarifications.

I will prove my love to you by assaulting this door and you. Kansas State running back Rashaad Norwood puts K-State near the big board but not quite on it with a single score of five points for battery, criminal damage to property, criminal trespassing and obstruction of the legal process in a domestic dispute. Said the unnamed woman in the case: “I never had any idea what love could be, and what it meant to Rashaad, until he threatened to burn down my house and kill me. Then, at last dear reader, I knew true love.”

What to do whilst savoring the announcement of Florida State as the most overrated program of the past decade?

Marvel at the scenery of Peru and the beauty of OC Phil’s t-shirt in this picture taken at Macchu Picchu in Peru.

Why not get your own here? Guaranteed to induce earthquakes of staggering proportions during your vacations to exotic locales (offer extends to South America only…so far.)

Thanks to OC Phil, who like blog bundafuhrer Kleph survived safe and sound, as well. He traveled to Pisco, the town hardest hit by the quake. See the slideshow here and read more here.

Condolences from EDSBS to FSU defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews and family. Andrews’ son, Ronnie Andrews, 41, was found dead at his father’s house on Sunday around 5:55 p.m. No foul play is suspected.

Losing a child is an incalculable cruelty. Thoughts, prayers, sympathies, and condolences to a rival in a dire moment in life from us.

Ivan Maisel gets the Barbara Walters shot at Nick Saban in a piece producing two shining details worth framing on the wall of “things we will wear into the ground through comic repetition this year. ”

One: Saban hates your gangsta huggies.

On the practice field in the early days of spring practice, the Saban you don’t know decided he had had enough of his players wearing their pants too far below their waist…

“He pulled his pants down,” Caldwell said, “and said, ‘This is how some of you guys look. You’re showing your ass. And I’m going to be the only a-hole showing around here.’”

Proof positive there’s a Patton DVD somewhere floating around the Saban household, most likely sandwiched between musty copies of the original Walking Tall and Snap, Pop, OH MY GOD WHY?: Quarterbacks in Pain, Vol 12.

The other grand tidbit here: Saban’s rage fuel, allowing him to work those famous 20 hour days and still reduce underlings to tears with ease, is readily available at your local gas station or downmarket grocery store:

The Saban you don’t know may have a Manhattan income, but his tastes remain rooted in his native West Virginia. Given his druthers, Saban would be watching practice video, a cup of coffee on the table and Red Man Golden tucked in his cheek. Toss a package of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies (the original size, not the big ones) next to the coffee and you may not hear from Saban for hours.

Them’s some druthers right there. Saban’s snack tastes run roughly parallel to Britney Spears, something we wouldn’t have predicted given a decade’s worth of guesses. In our darkest moments as a fan-say, when the 2009 team is pounding the hell out of Florida’s quarterback in the SEC championship game-we’ll just go to a happy place where Nick Saban is yelling at his players, waddling around a practice field with his pants around his ankles and an oatmeal cream pie in his hand. Laughing makes the sad fly away at times like that.

That visual could be handy for SEC fans over the next few years, actually.

Today’s daily affirmation comes courtesy of mattsledge from Miami Hawk Talk and one lone defacer of federal currency. A reminder that in 12 days, value is all that matters.

(Mattsledge got this bill as change after buying a six-pack of beer in Ohio.)

Kestahn Moore has discovered the little edge he needed to secure a likely starting spot at tailback for the Florida Gators: a swim cap.

WHHHEEEEEEEE!!!

We’re donning our swim cap tonight as we go to the Deadspin Pants Party at Turner Field, where we plan to figure out this Bayes-ball we keep hearing about. (Who knew sport and advanced statistical analysis could be combined in a single endeavor? Ingenious.) Peter Bean is coming into town, so expect Texas-sized shenannigans on the weekend.

Oh, and go pick up a Penthouse. You have an excuse besides “mmm, love me some vagina photography,” as Pete Schrager’s college football preview is in it as well as a few quotes from yours truly. We did not pose for the magazine, however, as we’re still under contract to Sweet Action for our stunning nude talents.

Enjoy your weekend,

-O.

From Venezuela, we cull the finest of cheesecake not yet nationalized by Hugo Chavez as part of the state. We had to hurry, though-Gaby Espino is a definite natural resource of the country, and will surely be nationalized soon as a “beer-toting, bunda-tastic national treasure the people must share and share equally.”

For now, though, we share her with the Republic of EDSBS alone. Enjoy.

That’s just a warm-up. If you do not think beer goes with cheesecake, you are horribly, horribly wrong. Check after the jump for proof.

(more…)

Bunda’s on the way-never fear!-but in the meantime, remember that the wishbone is the antidote to alien invasion, not the foreign viruses and bacteria of this world. H.G. Wells didn’t know shit, man.

(HT: Third Saturday in Blogtober.)

Somewhere, his unblinking head sits in a closet. Never sleeping. Always staring. Waiting.

(Courtesy of Brian @ House Rock Built)

Yes, there’s Michigan players finally being charged for “stomping on the victim’s head while wearing heavy boots during the fray,” a case which earns Michigan five more points to put them at a respectable 15 points total for the campaign for the Fulmer Cup. (Breakdown: Felony assault=3, two cases of misdemeanor assault, one point each.)

But the major breaking story today is the news out of State College, PA: two Penn State football players, Andrew Quarless and Willie Harriott, were caught drinking on campus and cited for underage consumption, piddly charges with the combined significance of a field goal. Field goals don’t count for much in the first quarter, but they’ll snap backs in the fourth quarter, which is precisely where we’re at in the competition right now. The two one-point offenses combine to put Penn State-BRAAAAAAAINS!!!-into a one point lead over the Illini for the 2007 Fulmer Cup, 25-24.

Again: a [NAME REDACTED] team has blown a fourth quarter lead in spectacular fashion. We’re speechless. (HT: Run Up The Score.)

Defeat. It has a thousand forms. This is one.