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COACHES SHILLING: ARA PARSEGHIAN

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From time to time, coaches feel the need to shill, most importantly because of contractual obligations and/or the burning desire to pocket some extra sheckels for the kids' college fund. This yields bountiful comedy, usually of the delicious unintentional kind, especially during the season when the national feed trips for an instant to reveal the wavering, cheaply filmed videotape-quality shot of your coach saying something like...

At the University of ________, we only want the best. Just like the people at Evanson Mufflers and Brakes/Gastric Bypass/Whatever.

Even the greats are anything but immune. Cue Ara Parseghian and one of the most patently false lines ever penned and then force-spat from a coach's mouth:

One of America's great traditions is the luxury sedan. One wonders if Ara seized several times while saying this before several rounds of sedation and hypnosis allowed him to confidently belt out such a patently false line without blowing perfectly good blood vessels in his head. Just look at the shit-colored deathboxes behind him for proof: two of America's ghastliest cars, the 5th Avenue with its "spacious interior..."


Ed! You can fit your legs in there!

...and the dismal setup of the cars. They appear to be two random, derelict vehicles sitting idly in the grass at a state highway median that the crew chose randomly.

Crew: Yeah. We'll do it here.

Ara: Don't we need cars from the lot?

Crew: No, that might cost money. These two abandoned wrecks will do just fine.

Ara: Isn't that dishonest?

Crew: Seriously, it doesn't matter what you show them. American consumers will buy anything you call a car. Seriously. They bought the Vega, and it was on fire in the showroom.

Ara: What's that smell?

Crew: A body in the trunk, of course. Whaddya think they're doing abandoned in the median?

(Laughter ensued!)

Parseghian gets an 'A' for effort, though, bravely plowing through thirty seconds of complete and utter untruth to make the pitch and pocket at least--we're sure of this--eighty dollars and the complimentary use of a 1984 Chrysler Shambler Sedan for his troubles. Hey! It came with it's own popcorn maker, which only spilled magma-hot butter on infants who sat in the front seat, mind you. Suck on that, Nader, you fucking safety geek.