August 6, 2025

SPURRIER IS TEMPERAMENTAL, PT. 1283512

Steve Spurrier has threatened everything short of taking back that beautiful shiny ring he bought you for the anniversary if you don’t let his recruits into school. Spurrier’s enraged over South Carolina rejecting two of his recruits who met NCAA standards but didn’t pass SC’s internal requirements. (Clemson grads and others, fire away with the academic requirements jokes.)

The Fanhouse jokingly suggests Spurrier might just flee to Duke, which remains a joke and a joke only-it’s cruel to do that to Duke fans, and they’re swimming in cruelty as is. Spurrier’s just prone to threats and drama, and thinks he’s in a position to roll shit downhill rather than take it. It’s gambiting on his part, since he’s in exactly the spot where he wants to be at South Carolina as the savior of the program and perpetual underdog. He’s also got a prior relationship with Andrew Sorensen, the president in Columbia, and is in striking distance of Augusta at all times. This matters more than you can possibly know.

Plus, he’s fascinated with the pigeon control system at Brice-Williams stadium-nay, enthralled.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Recruiting, Southeastern Conference, click clack  by Orson Swindle

COLLEGE FOOTBALL LIVE: LIVEBLOG

3:30: Leading off with Jimmy Clausen and Steve Spurrier. Flies to shit, viewers!

3:32. AHHHHHH Mark May is still on television. And he likes UCLA in the top 12. Note that with that statement, Mark May renews his dipshit license for the year. Chris Spielman looks sweaty, like he just got done beating someone. We’re 100 percent sure that’s what happened.

3:38: Joe Schad read the company manual on how to properly pronounce ESPN: EEE-ess-PEE-EEEhhhnn. Spielman sounds sedated when he says ND can win 9 games. May shits a kitten and says they’re rebuilding and will definitely not win nine games. Bodog.com just got a hundred on ND to win nine from us.

HOLY HELL what is THAT!!! Oh, it’s Ben Roethlisberger’s head. Threat level brought down to blue.

3:42: Adarius Bowman had 20/900 vision last season?

3:47: Spielman’s leaning his head to one side to hide the dart sticking out of his neck. He’s definitely sedated. Leaps out on limb by suggesting Texas will be good.

3:50: Wait-that’s not Rece Davis? We thought he looked…blond. And female.

3:51: P.J. Hill lost 19 pounds, which means losses for Wisconsin will involve pulling a binging Hill out of a oil barrel full of cheesecake. Spielman says Florida is ranked to high. He is completely right.

3:54: Rece Davis is from South Carolina? Oh, wait. That’s not Rece Davis. Rob from Noblesville, Indiana surprisingly likes Purdue. And he’s from Purdue! And has teeth like garage doors!

3:59: Mark May is fully embracing his Ming the Merciless role this year. He just needs a death ray to complete the ensemble. Over/under on time until “Jack Mehoffer” is used as a reader name read aloud as a real name on ESPN: two months.

4:00: My, that’s…insubstantial. Perhaps the loss of Rece today took some verve out of the production, since we can’t remember a single word Wendy Nicks said. We’re not even sure if she used articles. What did we learn? We learned that Adarius Bowman was blind as a bat. Other than that, we’re left wanting a luxurious hour of content instead of this thirty minute nugget o’ nothing.



Filed under: ESPN Hollywoodtainment!  by Orson Swindle

PERHAPS YOU’D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH COACH FULMER


Damn right I want four Tequizas. Now.

In looking for signs that Phil Fulmer is guaranteed job security for life, we lean on Mark Bradley suggesting that he’s going to be fired in the first week of December. A sportswriter going on the record with that kind of certainty is like having the CIA pronounce a country as “stable” and “bound for prosperity,” meaning that it’s seconds away from bursting into flames and becoming thirty different countries all ending in “-stan.”

Yet for those looking for signs of impending doom, you can either monitor the sales of batter fried porterhouse calzones at Calhoun’s (”Eat the Whole Thing, And We’ll Throw Your Dead Body in the Tennessee River Free Of Charge!”) or just rely on the fact that satire has brought you the Talking Fulmer. If fire[nameredacted].com is any indicator of sites devoted to mocking coaches, Fulmer’s days are numbered like the calories in a package of pork rinds, though nowhere near as numerous.

(HT: Angry ‘Eer from LWS.)

PS. Because we’re doing little more than just sitting on ass today (our own, of course,) we’ll be live-blogging the College Football Live show on ESPN today. You have been warned.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, phil fulmer is very, very fat  by Orson Swindle

EDSBS TOP 25: GETTING ON WITH IT FROM 13-25.

We’ve never taken this long to put together a top 25. But frankly, we’ve never had this much data. Watch as we take information well past the point of diminishing returns and put together rankings that, in all likelihood, are just as accurate as the one put together by a chicken peckiing at random bits of corn on the ground.

bu-KAAAAAAWWWW!!!

13. Nebraska. The Big 12 North-also known as the lucky winner of one massive ass-whipping from either Texas or Oklahoma, redeemable at the Big 12 Championship game-will likely be won by the wonderfully balanced team from Nebraska. Bill Callahan’s mystical offense is sometimes talked about in hushed tones and only presented with the help of a smoke machine, diffused lasers, and the opening keyboard riff from the Alan Parsons Project’s “Sirius.” In reality, most of the time the ‘Huskers shift three times, put a man in motion, and then run right up the middle or throw a five yard hitch. To the disappointment of offensive extremists on both sides, they run just as much as they pass. It’s the Fluffernutter offense: a white bread sandwich with some exotic filling.


The Callahan offense: tasty Fluffernutter goodness.

Yet that and a competent defense will get one far in the Big 12 North. (more…)



Filed under: All-Conference, Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, blogpollin'  by Orson Swindle

FULMER CUP: “HO”-TRE DAME

The full-and we mean really, really full-Fulmer Cup report comes later today. But we must pre-empt and give you this amuse bouche from the blotter in South Bend, Indiana, where there actually are prostitutes.

Derrell Hand, 20, a University of Notre Dame defensive end/nose tackle, was arrested and jailed Thursday afternoon for allegedly propositioning a prostitute.

Hand, who was suspended indefinitely from the team Friday, was released from the St. Joseph County Jail on $250 bond Thursday.


Go pimp one for the gipper, nurse. He’s fading.

Hand was picked up as part of a sting operation by the South Bend police department. His defense should be that he merely speaks like that to not only every woman he meets, but every man, as well, as part of an undiagnosed Tourette’s tic.

Judge: How do you plead, defendant?

Hand: Ho, you know how we do. Payin’ to play, want it today, cash on the way whaddya say?

Judge: One more outburst like that and you’ll be found in contempt of court, Mr. Hand.

Hand: Whateva, trick, fat dick that’s sick gotta spit one quick before I flip. How much?

We’d call it Irvin syndrome if we hadn’t cried like a pussy watching the Playmaker get inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and ask his wife and kids for forgiveness for being a less than perfect father. (Sniff.) Hand should just go ahead, transfer to BYU, get a DWC in Provo, and therefore unify the “inadvisable crime to commit at religious college” title belts.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Notre Dame, bamf!, bizarro superman says you're welcome, you had a bad day  by Orson Swindle

DAILY AFFIRMATION: DAY 26

Today’s daily affirmation reminds us that while Florida fans are the alleged deans of Jort University, the pant-ing choice of Sex Panthers everywhere isn’t just for Gator fans. Because…



Filed under: hope  by Orson Swindle

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