Click on the link below to let potential suitors at tailgates and other football-associated activities know that you’ve got the king/queen of the jungle in your pants.

Another fine EDSBS t-shirt.
FUCK DAT SPIDER! Buy this shirt.

If you’re looking for well-rounded, complete cheesecake…go elsewhere, because we’ve called a specialist. The problem? Bunda. The solution? Janine Salles.

(All photos from the invincible bunda reserve Sereias, which was revealed to us by reader Tony. Thank you times billionfinity, sir.)

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Today’s affirmation reminds us that animals may be trained to hate total strangers.

Urban Meyer might give us an interview. All we’d have to do is hit a field goal from 52 yards on command. He gave kicker Joey Ijjas a scholarship for doing just this in practice this week-fifteen minutes of a blogger pestering you with questions pales in comparison to the sticker price and non-monetary benefits of being a scholarship athlete at a D-1 university.

Meyer turned the offer into a wager with surprising, un-Meyeresque flair:

Urban Meyer slammed his hat to the turf, looked at senior kicker Joey Ijjas and yelled, “Free ride.”
Suddenly, Ijjas found himself starring down the biggest kick of his life during Wednesday’s football practice ” a 52-yard field goal attempt with a full scholarship to the University of Florida on the line.
Should he make it, Ijjas would fulfill a dream. Miss it, and who knows?

Ijjas made the kick. He’s on full scholarship now after making going 6-6 in practice Wednesday. Florida fans unaccustomed to having a kicker should note: he’s a slightish fellow who makes field goals, occasionally throws a pass or two, and can completely annihilate your season with a single miss. Love him at your own risk, even if he’s the first one you’ve had since Chris Hetland caught schizophrenia of the foot exactly a year ago.

We’ll be warming up our leg in the meantime. That interview’s gonna be awesome.

(P.S. Our unathletic selves have hit a 20 yarder on a dare, but missed from 25. This needs to be some kind of EDSBS contest held at a tailgate this year, of course. No Tony Brackens moments, though, please-we have a mouth to feed.)

Blake Mitchell needs to prioritize like Taneyhill: front, business;back, party.

The tradition of bon vivant quarterbacks at South Carolina continues: Blake Mitchell, d-d-d-d-dancin’ fool, has been suspended for the opener at Louisiana-Lafayette for missing an excessive number of classes during summer session in Columbia. (ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS in the internet marketing department for first announcing the suspensions on his website, spurrierhbc.com. That’s synergy, baby!)

Mitchell, like his predecessor Steve Taneyhill, has had trouble in social situations with alcohol and also enjoys a festive jig from time to time. The game is versus the team whose name appears as “UL-LAF” on the scoreboard in the EA: NCAA video games. And against South Carolina, even without starter Mitchell, we probably will do just that by the late second quarter.

The Miami Hurricanes have made the move to Dolphin Stadium official, foretelling doom for the neglected and ailing Orange Bowl. Despite being one of college football’s most authentic arenas since 1937-”Yes, that’s real, aggressive tropical fungus cracking the support pillars of the northside stands”-the groovy, pastel-lettered OB seems destined for the wrecking ball.

One must bear in mind that Miami’s gotten its investment out of the now-decrepit stadium a hundred times over: the original was built for $340,000, a pittance compared to what its baseball-hosting replacement will cost. (Oh, and it will most likely be a home for the Marlins that replaces it. Worthless, sissified, and pray-for-death-boring baseball.) According to an alumni listserve email, $200 million in improvements would “only provide basic and mostly infrastructural upgrades.” Still, losing the alien transmission light towers, open endzones, and sweltering squalor of the Orange Bowl constitutes a memory loss for college football as a collective.

And it’s not like it couldn’t be restored with 200 mil. Frankly, you give us a hundred grand, and we’ll have the place flossin, lawya.

A stadium befitting the 7th Floor Crew. Drop your pants, show ‘em your third leg.

If you don’t think an entire stadium plated with chrome in the hateful sunlight of a Miami afternoon wouldn’t be the most intimidating homefield advantage in all of college football, then you’re indeed on some fine Colombian booger sugar, sir. RED 32! RED 32! AAAIIIIIGGGGHH GOD MY EYYYYEEEEESSS!!!!!

(Illustration courtesy of the indomitable J-Money of Ladies fame.)

Reader Thor submits today’s Daily Affirmation. Those are tremendous ears.

We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)

Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.

Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.

(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)

What is your favorite song of all time?

Just another n***a- state property II

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?

i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

Who do you admire most?

My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
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Hey, life’s a hustle. Especially when you’re a complete whore for hats. Iowa’s wideouts arrested for credit card fraud unwisely put this on their Facebook page…

Cash equals wealth, right?

…which is just one of a zillion pictures of stupid Jebus and Oops Pow Surprise have from Hat Ho Krew of Iowa.

We spaced the agonizing process of putting this monstrosity together over several posts, and even then it still reeks of hackery, half-thought, and the ramblings and self-justifications of a desperate, overmatched man. In fact, we detest this ballot, repudiate its maker, and sincerely wish to kick his ass when we see him. We’re talking to you, Swindle.

Instant disavowal and caveat: It’s crap. It’s crap, and we know it. Your blogpoll ballot and/or top 25 is crap, too. The guy who invented these called them crap himself. Hell, Leitch knows they’re crap, which means the secret is royally out of said bag in an official way.

Instant visual corollary when looking at this ballot: (more…)

Today’s affirmation brought to you courtesy of the greatest play nullified by a penalty ever. Lamar Thomas, that shit is mine. Love, George Teague.

(HT: Paul.)

EDSBS Live! Radio without commercials, songs, or clean language.

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting the earthquake edition. Screw you, uncertainty. We’re pegging the improbable in this edition, predicting college football’s earthquakes months ahead of time.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Earthquake Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600. We’d love to talk to you, but remember to brace yourself under the nearest doorjamb before doing so.

Who: Hopefully, technology holding, we’ll talk to you and listener Kleph, who was in Peru for the 7.7 earthquake this week.

How excited are we? Star Blazers excited, motherfuckers. We’re leaving Mother Earth to save the human race.

Four Questions:

1. Pick this year’s earthquake in your neck of the woods. For us possum-eatin’ folks in the SEC, it’ll be Vanderbilt beating Tennessee, Florida, or Georgia. We’re busy praying to gods we don’t even believe in that it’s not Florida.

2. Pick the national earthquake. Whenever USC loses their first game.

3. Name the player out of nowhere who you’d like to see ascend from relative obscurity to greatness in a single stroke of genius. Jehuu Caulcrick, Michigan State running back who survived the war in Liberia and is now a running back for the Spartans. Anyone who survived Liberia and escaped a decent, sane person gets our vote.

4. What’s the most unpredictable thing that ever happened to you? Besides a 6.2 earthquake hitting while we were in a crowded Asian city? Someone dropped a cinderblock on our car from an overpass in Tampa at two in the morning, missing the windshield by two inches or so. If we hadn’t been speeding, we’d have met the cinderblock traveling at eighty miles an hour teeth-first. Viva Tampa!