In signing out for the weekend, a few things bear mention here. Namely, two things you need to read:

-Fire Mark May’s guest column by Nick Saban, which has just a touch of anise for snap!

-Big Daddy Drew’s column on his ultimate Fathers’ Day. It’s better than anything we’ve ever written.

Also, note that we fell out of the Hot Bloggers’ bracket this week, losing to Digital Headbutt in a respectably close vote using Tim Tebow’s picture as our own. Perhaps we would have been better off using a real picture of us taken in Las Vegas with our future self visiting from the year 2020.At least we could blame ourselves, and not the shiny muscles of Baby Rhinowonder Tebow, who makes no errors and fouls not the Earth with a speck of unholiness.

But the future is looking sexayyyy, if we may say so ourselves.

Orson, meet Future Orson, who IS wearing jorts and has somehow become a K-State fan.

Enjoy your weekend.

ps. 100 Percent Injury Rate thinks Calvin Murphy is an impressive sperm sprinkler with 14 illegitimate children. We think the odds are good that Screamin’ Jay Hawkins actually fathered Calvin Murphy: he owned up to 57 kids during his life, so many that a website (now defunct) called JaysKids.com popped up to handle all the inquiries.

Some of you had typical, idyllic fathers. Some of us, on the other hand, had Reece Bobby.

Drive with the fear! Our own father put us through the Swindle Tradition “The Month of the Wolf,” where we we turned loose in the woods as a five year old to survive or die, and thus allowing the gods to pass judgment on our virtue with life…or death. Fortunately for us, we were discovered by Irish Travelers on day two, passed into a human trafficking ring, and became the houseboy for powerful Guangzhou Triad boss with a predilection for kite-fighting and the works of Gino Vanelli between the years of 1983-1987. Happiness, for us, will always be the sound of kites blowing in the wind to the mellow sounds of mediocre balllads.

So Father’s Day’s always fraught with emotions, some of them requiring therapy of the professional or the amateur chemical variety. Thus we sympathize a bit with the pressured quarterbacks of the world whose fathers unfortunately turned the spotlight on themselves.

The list of our top 5 malevolent college football fathers includes both the negative effect they had on their son AND the deleterious effects they had on the fanbases.

5. Ken Wright, Miami. There’s little documentation of what he was like to his son, Kyle Wright of the Miami Hurricanes, but there’s plenty of evidence of Ken Wright completely flipping out after his son’s two picks doomed Miami in a game against Virginia Tech and becoming an ugly spectacle of a sports dad on tape. (more…)

The worst fears of Indiana football fans are confirmed: coach Terry Hoeppner will miss the entire 2007 season due to ongoing treatments for brain cancer. The statement from Judy Hoeppner, Terry’s wife:

“For the past several months, Terry has received chemotherapy and radiation treatments. This battle requires us to focus our energy and attention on aiding his recovery in every way we can…These comments would be incomplete without Hep’s ultimate statement to all of you - DON’T QUIT!”

Bill Lynch, former Ball State head coach and offensive assistant under Hoeppner, will head the Hoosiers program for the 2007 season. We wish Hoeppner the best, but the news makes the skin crawl for all the wrong reasons. We’re unsure of the exact type of cancer Hoeppner has, but the numbers sound horrible: the general survival rate for a nervous system cancer in men age 60 (Hoeppner’s age) is approximately thirteen percent. (HT: DevilGrad)

Hoeppner: out for 2007.

3.5 million dollars this year, 3.75 million dollars in ‘08, and…well, we won’t stretch Saban much past the two year window yet. That’s asking a lot of a coach who’s, you know, still exploring other options, checking the scene, thinking about getting his MBA, seeing other women, you know…keeping his future flexible, man.

Thought about taking the State Department exam, but doesn’t have time for that shit.

Those are the salary numbers for Nick Saban’s contact, newly finalized as of today. The contract was stripped of much of the extraneous endorsement and personal appearance requirements many coaches have built into their contracts, including the “unlimited” obligations listed in his predecessor Mike Shula’s contract.

By contrast, Saban need only appear once a week on the radio during the season, twice during spring practice and once close to the national signing day for high school recruits.

For television programs, Saban is bound to appear once a week during the season, once after the season and once after a bowl game.

The rest of the time he may sit in his undisclosed location, watching film in the dark, sucking the hearts straight from the chest of screaming iguanas, and scanning the want ads dutifully. This is likely a positive development for Alabama fans. Shula’s performances in press conferences were…well, just watch the clip to see all you need to know.

For todays high cholesterol offering, we had back to the temperate regions of the souther hemisphere to bring you the young Argentinian actress Luisana Lopilato. Enjoy your day.

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