News so momentous only one phrase can cover it: GIMME A FUCKIN’ SIREN!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

THE FULMER CUP BEGINS!!! Our first D-1 arrest comes from a consistent hotbed of Fulmer Cup activity, the wild, wonderful, and wobbly when wheeling around Wheeling state of West Virginia. The 2007 inaugural points recipient? West Virginia, whose backup quarterback Adam Bednarik, showed the resilience of his famous namesake by playing both ways early Wednesday morning by being both the party and the designated driver simultaneously.

Bednarik, perhaps drinking to take the edge off being Wally Pipped by Pat White in 2005 and losing his starting spot at qb, was arrested for DUI, a solid 2 point offense. In-state rival Marshall, last year’s champion, surely plans a spectacular response to WVU’s opening salvo. We’re hoping it’s something along the lines of riding elephants through downtown Huntington while firing weapons in the air with one hand and chugging plastic bottles grain alcohol with the other.

Until then, however, West Virginia is your leader over the world by 2 points.

The Fulmer Cup has begun-FIESTA! FOREVER!

Call the copyright lawyers: the Orgeron’s riffing on Notre Dame over at EDSBL.

Honestly, isn’t someone already writing the code for the Ed Orgeron speech generator? Please say yes.

Greg Seamon of the Cincinnati Bengals on Troy Smith in the draft:

“Really, he’s not that fast,” Seamon said of Smith. “He gets run down by defensive ends. He’s not real big. He kind of stares down his targets. You didn’t see those breathtaking, thread-the-needle throws [against Florida] that you’d hope to see from a top-of-the-draft quarterback.”

Nope. The same process of devaluation began for Chris Leak, as well, when a fateful number was announced during the combine: Five feet, eleven inches and seven-tenths. Not officially being six feet tall, Leak may now begin putting in his application to CSTV, right? Why even try?

Smith: tends to stare, right?

The promo machine in Tempe cranks it up for the arrival of Dennis Erickson with the marketeer’s weapon of last resort: the door hanger. (HT: The immortal CliffX.)

Valuable Coupons On Back!!! Of course there are, but not the kind we’d expect from college football’s original prototypical piratecoach. No twofers for shots at Grizzlebee’s? No free app with your third birdbath margarita at Don Taco’s? No commission-free bail bonds for ASU ticket holders? No discounted jumbo containers of Anderson Cooper Silver Fox Hair Dye for the Mature Sexy Beast™ at the local Walgreen’s? The lack of synergy and Erickson branding is simply inexcusable, marketeers.

We’re disappointed, Arizona State. You may as well have used our favorite picture of Dennis Erickson ever-in fact, feel free to take it. It’s him loaded after 18 holes of golf in Hawaii driving his golf cart into a volcano. You just know he’d live to tell about it-anyone who coached the 1990 Miami Hurricanes can live through anything.

ASU Football-if it doesn’t work out, we’ll make Dennis Erickson drive a golf cart into a volcano.

Don’t ever do anything on tape you wouldn’t be fine seeing or hearing on the internet one day-this is a rule we attempt to live by at all times, though there was that one time we filmed a three-hour long sex tape with Shelley Smith in our villa in Port-au-Prince. You just know that one’s getting out eventually. (The worst part-only about fifteen minutes of actual sex is involved; the rest is just Smith bitching and moaning about Leinart not returning her phone calls anymore.)

This rule clearly escaped Reggie Bush, current Saints running back and USC Trojans Heisman winner. Jason Cole and Charles Robinson, in a huge blow for internet journalism, have continued to dig at the unfolding story of Bush and his family’s alleged roll in the slop of illegal benefits while at USC. (For more background read here.) The latest installment actually features new information: Lloyd Lake, one of central figures in the case, made tapes of discussions with Bush and his family members to protect his “investment,” which included $57,000 in free rent at a luxe house for Bush’s family.

The prospect of Bush being declared ineligible for the 2005 season just got several degrees more probable. It also means that in addition to being a harder inside runner than Bush, Diet Pepsi Machine might also hold a margin on Bush in the IQ and integrity department.

Diet Pepsi Machine: a tough inside runner, and will only steal money $1.25 at a time.