If you care to here the nails being driven into the OMG OMG SABAN!!! story, listen to Kenny Smith of Al.com, Todd from Roll Bama Roll, and ourselves as we thrash out the long-term implications of Saban’s arrival at Alabama an AL.com’s podcast. This includes the effects on the clerical and support staff in Tuscaloosa, who will hate his ass something evil-like when this is all said and done.

Oh..and this. Is. Alabama football.

HA-ha. Manboob.

The Greatest OSU fan in the world, Subcommandante Wayne, returns for his weekly commentary. Enjoy?

Greetings, bitches. Subcommandante Wayne reporting live from the 6-1-4, where the chicks are into dicks and slick tricks, y’all. The Subcommandante is sorry that it’s been a long time since I checked in, but between my brutal reign over the realms of World of Warcraft and mom bitchin’ at me to get a job and shit, it’s been hard sledding for this tired old sled dog, man.

But a few things have come through this week. One, Michigan got sackslapped by the Trojans, which is great because FUCK MICHIGAN. Lloyd Carr was sitting on the sidelines crinkling his old colostomy bag underneath his shirt and it was sweeter than eating crab dip out of Jessica Alba’s buttcrack.

Mmm. Crab dip.

My friend Doug and I have this argument about her, by the way.

Doug: You know she’d suck in the sack, Wayne.

Wayne: No way. She’d roll like a beast, dude.

Doug: All those bones? You’d cut your ass just trying to get up next to her and shit.

Wayne: Fuck you.

Doug: Fuck you!

Doug’s actually a 15 year old Korean Warcraft player, so he’s always on at these weird hours. But man has his English improved. He went from straight from “you my bitch suck ass” to “The ass you have been handed is your own.” I swear, that guy must be a genius. I want to save up some dough and visit him, because if Korea’s anything like it is in The Best of the Best, it’s this kickass martial-arts heaven where everyone’s punching trees in the snow and meditating beneath frozen waterfalls with their shirt off. Oh, and eating dog, too.

Korea must kick ass, man.

Anyway, I thought I might also bring you up to speed on another important thing: Florida suckz. That’s right, the Subcommandante said it here on this gayest of Gaytor websites: they. Suckz.
Here’s why:

Floridians are all gay.

This is so obvious if you watch any television show about Florida.

-I watched Nip/Tuck the other night, and those two dudes are just like this close from doing the Heimlich without using their hands with each other.

-The Golden Girls are obviously all just a bunch of freakin’ dykes, except for that tall gay guy with the deep voice who keeps ‘em all in line…and he’s totally and openly gay, right? Still, I wouldn’t fight with him.

That gay dude is tuff.

-Silk Stalkings? Just the name makes me want to suck a fat one. I mean, cause Wayne’s totally not wanting to suck a fat one. Ever. But because the name is so gay, it would make me want to, if I weren’t already pressing the legal limits for sexy in eight states and banned from national parks in the summer because my hottness starts forest fires. By the way, Smokey the Bear? Gay. Never wears a shirt.

-Dexter? It’s the dude from Six Feet Under. Gay.

-Miami Vice? A dude in pink who hangs out with a black dude with a gheri curl and has all this disposable income? Sounds pole-smokingish to me, especially because he does that “Oh, I’m not shaving, but I’ll shave just enough to make it look like I’m not shaving” thing? Totally homo.

-Even I Dream of Jeannie is totally gay, because if Wayne had Barbara Eden in a bottle at home I’d be on that like stink on a Wolverine. And have you seen how clean his house is? MANLAW: Clean housekeeping for a single guy=gay.

In comparison, there’s a sandwich somewhere in this room I lost a week ago. And I don’t give a shit. Mom doesn’t even know. There’s totally nothing straighter than that.

10. Charlie Weis departed New Orleans safely. We’re not making a fat joke here, we’re just saying that the man is still walking after spending a week in the city of butter cooked in butter broth with butter sauce topped with sugar. Success comes in a thousand flavors, Domers-reach out and grab one here.

9. Brady Quinn can perform the complex and demanding tasks of the NFL combine without the pesky weight of a national championship ring on his finger, which could adversely affect his throwing motion.

8. Personal fouls may prove to be keen marketing strategy with borderline recruits unconvinced at Notre Dame’s “thug quotient.” Look for South Florida recruits to flock northward in response.

7. Light scoring gave tireless student-section push-up artists a chance to rest overworked pectoral muscles. Never overtrain is the rule you should follow.

6. Ninth straight bowl loss ensures that ages-old rivalry with Temple is still burning with live hate.

5. Parking over at St. Mary’s across from campus will likely remain at the merely extortionary rate of 20 dollars per car.

4. Constant debrainings in nationally televised games have broadened the horizons of medicine-NAY!-science as we know it.

3. Sportswriters may now save labor and dust off the “Irish resurgence” column for the third year in a row, allowing them to take a quiet day off, and thereby helping the liquor and golf-based economies of this nation surge into the second and third economic quarters of next year.

2. Somewhere, Regis Philbin is weeping. His tears bring joy to the world.

1. Your loss created the happiest moment of this man’s life:

Ragin’ Cajun Rebel already posted this in the comments, but it’s so good it merits its own post.

Presenting: Nick Saban arrives in Alabama.

If that greeted us off the plane, we’d have gotten right back on it. Sacha Baron Cohen didn’t even really have to try, did he? If you turn the volume way up, you can hear the undercurrent of chanting: one of us, one of us, one of us…

Saban lands in Kazakhstan. Jagshemash!

We’ll be along with some more verbose football stuff in a bit…but in the meantime, let us show you Florida Gator and fashion ninja Brandon Spikes, who looks like he’s been buying clothes off Steve Harvey, getting off the plane in Arizona.

That suit should come with the O’Jays playing behind it wherever you go.

The World Wide Leader continues with its obsession to rank things. This time they take aim at football, on all levels, by ranking the states from 1-51 (including D.C.). Amazingly, Alaska is pulling up the rear. Damned continental U.S. media bias.

Alaskan natives, seen above, apparently prefer Greco-Roman wrestling to football.