We bring you the only the most expensive and luxurious cuts of football toro fatty tuna from the fisherman of Iwate Prefecture. Really just an elaborate scheme to post links to Hey Jenny Slater!
-Doug is on fire. Flames, flames, as Madeline Kahn would say. He’s rolling through his fifty most loathsome people in college football, and we’re surprised and just how loathsome the top twenty are. Por ejemplo:
42. Craig James
Charges: A cross between the high-school class clown and the douchebag uncle who embarrasses you at family gatherings and then chides you for not having a sense of humor, the former tailback trivializes games with his mere presence. Greedily sucks the gravitas out of even the most important games by veering off into barely relevant tangents and stories of his days at SMU; God forbid he gets assigned a lesser-conference game, which he’ll probably just ignore entirely so that he can turn the whole thing into his own personal open-mic night at the Improv. Played for SMU during what would’ve been the height of the booster scandal that later earned the Mustangs the NCAA death penalty, yet somehow nobody ever asks him about this.
It’s all at least that good. 50-41, 41-50. Read ‘em with a spit shield over the keyboard and monitor.
Doug’s on fire!!!
-Brian went to a parade in Pasadena! YAY PARADES! We had no idea he was such a fan of mobile horticulture. Glad to know that he is not, in fact, dead.
-The woman who kissed Saban as he got off the plane in Tuscaloosa yesterday? Um, here:
Colette Connell, one of the more exuberant fans at the airport, even had her own Saban cheer: “Praise the Lord, God is so good, Nick is now in the Bama hood.”
Later that day, Connell was arrested for driving under the influence.
Jagshemash, Alabama!
-Georgia linebacker Brandon Miller is considering entering the NFL draft. Don’t panic if you don’t know who this is-many pro scouts don’t, either, which isn’t dissuading him from leaning toward an early exit. Ted Kian describes the possible move as “moronic.”
-The long-rumored heir to the throne in Tallahassee, linebackers coach Kevin Steele, has bolted to become Nick Saban’s defensive coordinator at Alabama. The move clears room for the return of Chuck “Chesty Gazongas” Amato to Tallahassee, where he was a screeching linebackers’ coach for 17 years. We can’t wait.
Come back home, Chesty.
-Jimbo Fisher will likely not be joining Saban for an LSU reunion, instead opting to join Florida state in hopes of snagging the job when/if Bobby Bowden retires or is taken screaming back to hell by the brimstone-encrusted hand of Satan himself from the sidelines. We mean every word of that.
-The disrespect virus is starting to fly around the Florida camp. Which will spread to Ohio State feeling disrespected. Which will leave the crowd disrespected. Which will leave Howie Long feeling very disrespected. Which will leave Terry Bradshaw feeling just fine, thank you, since he’s thinking about ponies and ice cream right now.
-Readers of the Xinhua Daily will really appreciate the BCS football home page. We knew associating the BCS with Fox was a terrible, terrible mistake.
Venomous running dogs of splittist playoffism may tell you otherwise, but be not fooled worker! THEY SPILL THE POISON OF LIES INTO THE PEOPLE’S WINE!!! Despite the fact that the Orange Bowl’s ratings tanked, and that despite winning the Monday for Fox the ratings for the Fiesta Bowl sank in comparison to last year’s share.
The BCS response will surely be along the lines of “Why do you hate America, Orson?”
-Ohio grocery stores are stocking Gator meat. You will not likely see a counter-move by Florida grocery stores to sell Buckeye-fan meat, since it’s already available fresh on the streets of Florida daily. We’ve been eating hapless midwestern tourists alive for years. In case you don’t know, the taste is a rich, fatty, smoky one, with hints of Marlboro in there. Match with a Zinfindel to cut the almost foie-gras like consistency with a bit of spice.
