Almost forgot Solon’s picks thanks to us watching the Pat White Video three thousand times today. Apologies to all our hardcore gamblers, hardworking Solon himself included.

Greetings everyone. I am bloody exhausted this week, so I’ll just get right to it.

I recovered from my Thursday night loss last week to end up at 5-4 for the weekend, leaving me with a season record of 62-47, a winning percentage of 57%. Hopefully I can bump it up a little and do better than last year’s 58%. Here are this week’s selections:

FRIDAY:

Central Michigan (-3.5) v. NORTHERN ILLINOIS

CMU served notice of their quality early this season with a close loss to BC, and they have delivered on that promise; last week’s win against WMU guaranteed them a spot in the MAC title game. Their strength is their O; and, while their D has been overmatched in non-conference competition, in MAC play they have only given up 14 ppg. NIU’s O showed much promise, but around the midway point of the season it all went pear-shaped; in their first 5 games they averaged 465 ypg on O, and in their last 5 they have averaged 283 on O ypg against roughly comparable opposition. There is little to suggest what brought on the change other than that RB Wolfe tired of being their sole weapon and the O has suffered without his superhuman performances. As mentioned, the CMU does has more than held their own against MAC offenses-334 ypg allowed in MAC play-and they should be fine against the weakening NIU O. The real advantage for CMU lies on the offensive side of the ball, where the CMU running game has stepped it up as of late and now matches their already-strong passing game as a threat. In MAC play, CMU is averaging 143 ypg and 4.43 ypc rushing; NIU has been pretty good against the run, but the better rushing attacks they have faced did reasonably well; Ohio ran for 178 yards, WMU ran for 129 yards, and Toledo ran for 225 yards, and I would rate the CMU running game as the best of this bunch. NIU’s biggest problems this season have been against the pass; in MAC play they have given up 252 ypg and 7.24 ypp with an 11-3 ratio, despite facing only two halfway decent passing attacks (Ball State and Miami (O)). The only one of these even remotely in CMU’s class is Ball State, and the Cardinals went 21-29 for 324 yds against the Huskies. I am concerned about the forecast-specifically, the potential for high winds-but the current forecast is for 10 MPH, and I think CMU’s passing game will still be able to perform at a high enough level to get ahead of this number.

Aeolus the god of wind cannot stop CMU’s passing game.

SATURDAY:

South Florida (+16.5) v. LOUISVILLE

Lost in the shuffle last week was how fortunate Louisville was to get to 25 points against a stingy Rutgers D; they had a KO return for a TD, and also needed a fake punt to set them up for another TD. In other words, after their first drive of the game, they were not able to manage a TD during the run of “normal” play. This is remarkable for a team like Louisville, but at the same time is par for the course for them this season, where I think they are finally feeling the loss of RB Bush; against the non-joke defenses they have run up against-Miami, K State, Cincy, Syracuse, West Va, and Rutgers-they are only averaging 29 ppg and 383 ypg. (more…)

Bo Schembechler is dead at 77, according to channel 2 in Detroit. Our condolences to the entire University of Michigan community.

Dear Bo: enjoy the game tomorrow from more comfortable quarters.

Welcome to the Factor Six Preview, where we quickly preview games using six completely essential factors for victory:

1. Mascot
2. Head coach.
3. Team name.
4. General aura.
5. Best roster name.
6. The “Factor Six” factor. (Whatever the hell we care to throw in in the way of cultural add-ons, etc.) We could have called this the “Six Factor” preview, but it sounds so much more tuff and Tom Clancy-like the other way, like some sort of shadowy counterintelligence ops thing that uses a modeling agency as cover.

MICHIGAN/OHIO STATE:

1. Mascot: Ohio State. Less a pick for Brutus than against the nonexistent Wolverine. Michigan does not have a mascot, since “the Athletic Department has steadfastly maintained that such a symbol is unnecessary and undignified and would not properly reflect the spirit and values of Michigan athletics.” Polly Prissypants agrees, by the way.

Mascots may be many, many things, but one thing they must not be is disturbing. And Brutus, despite years of tweaking and redesign, still looks less like a mascot and more like something from a Danish art film dream sequence.

Niels, you find him disturbing, no? Haunting your dreams, ja?

The unnaturally thin limbs. The head, part gangrenous brown, with a clot of mismatched features squished into the cream-colored center it calls a face. The BMX gloves, presumably worn so that Brutus won’t leave fingerprints on his unsuspecting victims. The teeny hat that obviously been stapled to his head. It’s all what the good folks at Deadspin call nightmare fuel of the highest degree.

Michigan, on the other hand, did actually have live mascots on the field once:

Caught by using treacherous Spaniards as bait: Michigan’s live, face-ripping Wolverines.

The quote says what you’re thinking:

However, the animals grew larger and more ferocious, and as Yost states, “It was obvious that the Michigan mascots had designs on the Michigan men toting them, and those designs were by no means friendly.”

Alas, by default we must pick Brutus.

Ohio State, you’ve been Factor’d!

2. Head Coach: Jim Tressel.

Because he’s got flow. Because he’s serving up asskick salad left and right. Because despite singlehandedly trying to restore dignity to the sweatervest, he manages to steer his sex-bomb hovercraft into the garages of all the finest hoes in the greater C-bus area. Because he took on the Israeli mafia and came away alive and kicking.

Oh, and because he’s 4-1 against Grumbles the Sea Captain. Let the abs do the talking, daddy.

Ohio State’s Tressel: been laying off the carbs for a while now.

Ohio State, you’ve been Factor’d!

3. Team Name: Michigan.

Random internet quote test:

Wolverines: “This is truly a beautiful animal, quick, silent, deadly, and determined to win.”

Buckeye: “And while highly poisonous, buckeye seeds contain much protein and were used as a food source by Native Americans who boiled and leached them to remove their toxins.”

Face-ripping uberbastard of animal unbothered by snow and smart enough to pop open cans of beer with its razor-sharp teeth trumps toxic nut with painfully boring colonial history.

Michigan, you’ve been Factor’d!.

4. General Aura: Ohio State. Their fans earn this by embracing their nasty reputation, setting things ablaze regardless of whether they’re bleeding or not, and in fact beating up cripples. If you’re going to be a tie a maiden to the railroad tracks, at least put on the Snidely Whiplash mustache to match, dammit-that’s the rule Ohio State fans embrace, since they’re the closest fan species America has to compare to the soccer hooligan. (Even Miami Hurricanes fans, while malicious and drunk, are so devoid of commitment that violence strains their anemic levels of devotion. We doubt they’d so much as slap a chicken in the name of Miami football, much less roll over a squad car and set it on fire.)

Oh, and there’s the Horseshoe/Dot I/Hang On Sloopy thing, too, if you’re into the sincere tradition thing. We’ll be busy waiting for the sniff of pepper spray while watching urine flow down the staircases of local parking garages.

That ain’t Liz Taylor’s “White Diamonds” he’s spraying.

Ohio State, you’ve been Factor’d!

5. Best Roster Name: Michigan. Zoltan Mesko, the Emperor of Punting who laughs at death.

Michigan, you’ve been Factor’d!

The Factor Six Factor Six: Ohio State. Because TCOAN has considered attending a Ph.D. program there, we might as well start lobbying the Buckeye faithful early on in order to avoid a boot party when we eventually attend a game there. They’re at home! They’ve got Troy Smith! We love the smell of tear gas in the late afternoon! Any other excuse that covers making the politically expedient choice!

Ohio State, you’ve been factor’d!

Factor Six Preview Result: Ohio State.

Ever watched a marathon on television? It usually ends with two runners, one of whom is almost certainly Kenyan, ripping off five minute paces at the 24 mile mark. (Watch it sometime-it makes your lungs sear a little just watching it.) Then, at one unspoken moment, the one who has more gas in the tank just looks back, makes a decision, and then suddenly goes faster despite having just run those 24 miles. The other person doesn’t exactly give up, but a visible spirit-crushing shudder goes through them as the recede into the distance.

In the third quarter of a potential shootout last night, that’s precisely what West Virginia did to Pitt: Catch me, motherfucker. Pitt had one half of disciplined run D in them, and once White started reading and running, the outcome played out like twisted math for Pitt. He looked like Woody Dantzler on crank last night, running for 200 and passing for 200 on a defense reduced to near tears by the last dregs of the fourth quarter.

If that wasn’t bad enough, Pat White also mocked Pitt’s lame, piped-in roar on camera. You deserve it, Pitt, for using the lamest tricks of a.m. drive-time radio to pump up your crowd. Unless you play that clip of Don King saying “Testicles are acceptable” that they use all the time on 790 here in Atlanta. That shit is always funny.