November 14, 2025

MARRY US. ALL OF US.

Information overload is the m.o. today. Only a speed freak with bionic wrists could honestly keep up with everything unfolding in the blogosphere today, and since our bionic implants are still in the mail, we’ll just have to content ourselves with being merely mortal today.

That said, we did find the second finest woman in the world, and all the coaching carousel updates will wait. How do we know you’re gay? Because you got put in a headlock by a cheerleader. That and the dip in the breadbowl totally convinced us.

On behalf of all mankind and speaking in the collective male voice: a cheerleader who puts a cadet in a headlock convincingly is a woman we all would be proud to have as our bride. Whoever you are: we love you, and salute you. Please reproduce so that your perky, brawling badassedness finds its way into future generations of peppy grappling sideline enforcers.

If only we could cross her with FIU crutch-swinger A’Mod Ned…behold, the Superman!

Just click and watch the VMI cheerleader in the upper right portion of the scrum. (Mega HT: PFHokie.)

What gonna do with all that ass? All that ass that you just kicked?



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Uncategorized, i need a dime, true love  by Orson Swindle

RUMOR RUMOR RUMOR!!! JEFF BOWDEN OUT AT FSU?

It’s a sad day for defensive coordinators in the ACC: Jeff Bowden may be out at FSU. More forthcoming…

UPDATE!!! Yessir: AP says he’s gone. Gimme a fucking siren! WOOOOOOO!!!


WOOOO!!!

To replace him, Bobby is looking hard at hiring his grand-nephew Bass Pro Shops Stonewall Prestige Bowden, who despite being 13 “is a whiz at those football video games.” President T.K. Wetherell has declined comment.



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

COUP-LUMBUS: TOWN MAYOR DEPOSED, ANARCHY REIGNS.

Preparations for the upcoming Michigan/Ohio State football game have resulted in a coup d’etat in Columbus, Ohio, plunging the entire region into a state of civil unrest. The Columbus metropolitan area is in a state of near anarchy with several groups vying for control of the area. Classes at the the Ohio State University have been cancelled, and Ohio governor Bob Taft has declared a state of emergency in the area.


Columbus: let the festivities begin.

Details are sketchy, but a few facts have emerged.

-Armed gunmen announcing themselves as “the Loyal People’s Army of UzBuckistan” deposed Columbus mayor Michael B. Coleman in rush through the city hall early Tuesday morning, and announced the declaration of new statehood for what they are calling “the Republic of UzBuckistan.” Mobs control the streets, and have prevented entry into the city at all points. Many appear to be intoxicated.

“Death to Michigan, and death to all who oppose us,” said a masked figure identifying himself only as “Subcommandate Wayne” in a television broadcast Tuesday morning. “We have taken that which is ours, the pure nut at the core of this rotten fruit we call Ohio, and made it a perfect paradise for all who love and obey the Buckeye. We have everything, and need nothing-except beer, which we’re almost out of. ”


Subcommandante Wayne wants your fear and awe. And your beer, if you got some.

Subcommandante Wayne then indicated that if more beer were not sent, they would “do something bad, or something like that.” Ohio police refused to comment on ongoing negotiations.

-A rival group of hooligans has commandeered the campus radio station and much of the campus. Made up of younger people who may or may not be students, the group calling itself “The Buckeye Confederation of Central Hayes-ia”… (more…)



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

YOUR CAR NEEDS A DEEP FRYER.

The Pontiac Vibe has a plug in the dashboard, and after driving around in one for an afternoon, we began to speculate out loud about what would be the most dangerous appliance to plug in while driving. After much debate, we settled on deep fryer, which as a factory-standard accessory mounted between the seats would be the most dangerous thing imaginable.

Silly us. Everyone knows the place to put a deep fryer in an automobile is underneath the car. Or bus. Danny Cowart, real man and diehard Gator fan, has that much figured out. Warning: the following film of tailgate technology may melt your face off with its awesomeness.

Kettle fryer on wheels. Game over.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, College football, conan thinks your tailgate is weak  by Orson Swindle

BLOGTOBERFEST! FULMEROOSKI EDITION.

-The greatest fark of all…was sent to us today…Look! It’s Fulmer chasing fried chicken! Just what the inventors of the internet meant it to be used for, we’re sure. (HT: Doug, but we’re sure SoonerFark is to credit/blame.)

-Clay Travis went to Gainesville, and says UF women are fat. We would, instead, insist they are plump with success and fat off all the good sex they’re getting. Among other things, he actually interviews the pilots who flew inches from the scoreboard on the halftime flyover (”Not close,” say the pilots.) He also runs into Tim Tebow, who took a photo with Clay and friend and then stiffarmed them all the way home to the 615 in a single twitch.


Clay Travis, meet Titan. Titan, meet Clay.

-Someone’s threatening Doug Flutie: a Texas fan who blames Flutie for the Longhorn’s loss, to be specific. Flutie is being hidden behind a fire hydrant until the whole thing blows over.

-After Arkansas trunked Tennessee on Saturday night with the finest single wing you’ll see this side of Briscoe County High, Joel at Rocky Top Talk is looking for answers. Or barbecue. With Tennesseans, it’s usually one of the two in any given situation.

-Spurrier and Meyer both gambled and won on fourth and shorts Saturday, as SMQ points out, which means that what some people confuse for ballsy gambling is actually just a keen sense of probability and situational value analysis expressing itself in playcalling. That’s what we’ll tell ourselves next time we call “deep attack” on 4th and 17 against our brother in NCAA 2007

-Elkon’s got a great little review of the numbers for national title contenders. For all the bitching about Florida not scoring or moving the ball, 6.2ish per play beats both Ohio State and Michigan’s offensive averages. Arkansas is slamming 6.7ish a play, which will surprise no one who has seen their “McFadden!” offense.

-DeSean Jackson blames the Cal loss on…the uniforms.

Again, Jackson is fast and quick, but apparently he is faster and quicker in blue pants.

Scoff if you will, but as a kid we scorched in our black and white Walter Payton Pumas. We totally agree with Jackson here. If Cal busts out the “Yellow Fever” unis against USC, Jackson may very well leave scorch marks on the turf.


Some colors are faster than others, according to Desean Jackson. Judging from the way UNC players run, powder blue and white are not two of them.

-Barry Zuckercorn! On the sidelines at USC! Good to see he could get away from the rest stops and drag clubs long enough to make an appearance with the Song Girls.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

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