The Fulmer Cup will be handed out to the lucky program demonstrating an utter and total lack of institutional control over the offseason-but what will it look like? Reader Big Mike took a stab at it, and so far we’re liking it. Other Farkers of note, we implore you: do your worst and submit it to us.

Mike’s proposal may be seen below the jump.
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The city of Toledo, Ohio-which isn’t even in the top 25 fattest American cities-has decided it needs a “Get Fit, Toledo!” campaign to encourage citizens to shape up and get sexy. (How is Detroit number one? Are the survivors getting fat on the bodies of the victims? Or is everyone just so frightened they refuse to go outside and subsist on a steady diet of order-in cheese steaks?)

Consider a few of the Toledo natives you know and love: which one would be the logical choice for a fitness campaign for the City of Rockets?

A. International superstar/beard Katie Holmes

B. Silky smooth songstress and guaranteed poon tunes maker Anita Baker
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…we hereby begin the State Farm Coaches’ Death Match Tournament of Champions today. Thrill as masters of gridiron motivation fight to the death to satisfy your sick bloodlust! Stand awed at the sight of 300-lb. coaching legends staggering around the ring in very little clothing! Pray that you forget the hypothetical sight of it all!

The brackets may be found here, but may change due to availability and the author’s forgetting to put someone in there altogether. (EDSBS: you get what you pay for.) Today we begin with the tournament with a very, very loud bang-exactly the sound made by a fat man hitting the mat with great force, actually, which is appropriate for each of the men in the THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUSâ„¢ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Crestor: “You don’t really want to die, do you, you miserable little piglet?”â„¢) Let our Kumite of the Clipboard begin!!!

Chong Li may have been robbed, but even Van Damme couldn’t get out alive in our version of the Kumite.

We usher in our inaugural tournament with a titanic bout between two of the sport’s most massive minions, two tubs of gooey offensive genius: Mark Mangino, head coach at the University of Kansas, and Ralph Friedgen, head coach at the University of Maryland.

Our introductions, please…

Ralph “Fry Daddy” Friedgen

Rock hard abs meets…

Height: 6′4″

Weight: 300 plus beautiful pounds

Hometown: Harrison, NY

Fighting style: Shooto/hybrid street fighter.

Strengths: A brutal but cerebral fighter who depends on advance scouting and a furious intial rush to win his bouts. (more…)

Although the title to this entry really feels like it is ripe for and EDSBS-style farce involving fries and a shake, it is true. Sanders has a new gig and it is in the SEC where the coaches really should know better. The football powerhouse in Lexington Kentucy has seen fit to hire Mr. Sanders as their new quarterback coach. Perhaps he can do for Andre Woodson what he did for Ainge and Clausen last season.

Sanders is caught here playing with his nipples rather than thinking about the next play call.

It is only a reserve linebacker but at least Arkansas is making an effort in this off-season’s Fulmer Cup race. 19 year old Matt Stoltz faces charges of driving-while-intoxicated, careless driving and prohibited driving. We know some SEC team will take the lead in this at some point this summer, the question is will it be the Razorbacks? Stay tuned.

Brent Schaeffer’s going to play for the Orgeron, and we wish him luck in his endeavors at Ole Miss. Remember, if you punch someone in a scuffle in a dorm, make sure you cover the cameras with gum or hairspray first. Oh, and you may want to read The House That Rock Built’s booklet on “So You’re Going To Play For The Orgeron”

Kevin at Fanblogs gets frisky with this headline today:

“Your chance to own Vince Young’s Balls”.

Yes, but once in possession of them…will you dip them in something?

The offseason turmoil at Purdue just got a lot more savory…and public. First the 3rd string TE for the Boilermakers, Garret Bushong, gets arrested for operating a vehicle while intoxicated on September 30th. What with all the football and other minor tidbits of news floating about, we hardly noticed it.

Fortunately our readers are more alert creatures by far. Reader Amanda alerted us to Bushong’s written response to stories covering outlandish athlete behavior at Purdue, a school emerging as a serious contender for this year’s Fulmer Cup. Bushong apparently thinks the Purdue athlete is getting Cleveland Steamered in the press, particularly by the campus newspaper The Exponent. He says as much in the letter we’ve excerpted from today’s Exponent, allegedly written by the godly famous 3rd string TE himself. (Emphasis added)

This letter is a shoutout to all of the athletes of Purdue. I am personally sick and tired of all the bad ink we are getting, and it is really time to put an end to it. Yeah, I got an OWI, so what! It’s over, and everyone now knows about it. It’s not like 300 other students on this campus haven’t gotten one, yet the names of those people are not put on the front page of the Exponent followed up three months later by a headline on the back page of the Sports section. I know all those people putting the paper together don’t have anything better to write about, and I am not mad at them for that. I am mad because they continously are publishing articles that make us look so bad. If I am not mistaken, you guys go to Purdue too and I thought you would have a little more respect for your fellow classmates and the people who bring millions of dollars into this university year after year. So to all of my basketball players, football players, soccer girls, softball girls, wrestlers, cross country, track and field guys and girls, divers, golfers, tennis girls and guys, volleyball girls and baseball players, forget what ya heard. We’re here to stay, we all know what we do for this school and what we give back. We run this place and if anyone begs to differ, I’ll say what my good buddy Brandon Kirsch once said. “You know where to find me, locker number three, so come and say what you need to say to my face.” Lastly I would like to give another shoutout to the athletes who have gotten bad ink in the Exponent lately. I feel for ya!

Represent in 2006.

Garret Bushong

Junior, College of Consumer and Family Sciences

As this is beyond satire, we post a picture of our favorite domineering jock of mediocre talent in response. Thanks to Amanda.

Someone take the keyboard away from Garret. Now.

Ivan Maisel’s always gotten a pass from us because he took a Stanford education and a law degree, thought for three seconds or so, and became a college football writer instead. The Three-Point Stance must be the easiest write in all of the college world, though, since it’s basically three two to three sentence paragraphs Maisel has to crank out two or three times a week containing his quick hit thoughts on the game.

What separates Maisel is being “good,” as in “not Peter Kerasotis-esque.” Actually, one teeny spoonful of Maisel contains the nutrition of eight Mike Bianchi columns, and that’s before editing. Going back and reading Maisel’s archives, it’s plain to see that Ivan’s a guy with a panopticon eye for the game, an archivist’s sense of history, and a fondness for the underappreciated and quirky characters of the college gridiron. (Who else was bullish on Tulsa senior wideout Garrett Mills during the season? Not us, for damn sure.) Maisel has also done something that made him as close to a working mainstream blogger as we can imagine: he wrote that one of his pieces just flat “sucked,” and that he wished he hadn’t written it. Get the man on WordPress now!

It’s the offseason-here’s a picture of Ivan Maisel.

Maisel, too, is an admitted homeboy for the Southeastern Conference, which makes last Friday’s edition of the 3-Point Stance all the more refreshing since he leads off by recapping the SEC’s dismal 7-9 record against BCS conferences (and the Elves of Notre Dame, forever sailing off to their own kingdom across the waters.) The Big 12, which we were daft enough to call a “soft” conference in an early bit of online retardation, went 8-5; the ACC went large at 13-9 against BCS opponents, while the Big Ten (ever the Even Steven of conferences) went 10-10 overall.
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From even a passing glance at our site it is obvious that although we are fans of the college football game in general, our hearts are with the Gators. Why then do we not have Pope Urban in our top graphic instead of the Evil Genius??? It is quotes like this that let us know he’s still the most entertaining coach in the college game.

Spurrier said there’s one big difference in his recruiting situation at South Carolina and the one he had at Florida. “This year we’re going to sign some kids from Alabama,” said Spurrier, who has landed four players from the state, including safety Darian Stewart, who committed last week. “In 12 years at Florida, I don’t think we ever signed a kid from the state of Alabama.” He started to leave it at that, but he just couldn’t resist. “Of course, we found out later that the scholarships they were giving out at Alabama were worth a whole lot more than ours,” he said.

Yup. Still got it.