LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...we hereby begin the State Farm Coaches' Death Match Tournament of Champions today. Thrill as masters of gridiron motivation fight to the death to satisfy your sick bloodlust! Stand awed at the sight of 300-lb. coaching legends staggering around the ring in very little clothing! Pray that you forget the hypothetical sight of it all!
The brackets may be found here, but may change due to availability and the author's forgetting to put someone in there altogether. (EDSBS: you get what you pay for.) Today we begin with the tournament with a very, very loud bang--exactly the sound made by a fat man hitting the mat with great force, actually, which is appropriate for each of the men in the THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Crestor: "You don't really want to die, do you, you miserable little piglet?") Let our Kumite of the Clipboard begin!!!
Chong Li may have been robbed, but even Van Damme couldn't get out alive in our version of the Kumite.
We usher in our inaugural tournament with a titanic bout between two of the sport's most massive minions, two tubs of gooey offensive genius: Mark Mangino, head coach at the University of Kansas, and Ralph Friedgen, head coach at the University of Maryland.
Our introductions, please...
Ralph "Fry Daddy" Friedgen
Rock hard abs meets...
Weight: 300 plus beautiful pounds
Hometown: Harrison, NY
Fighting style: Shooto/hybrid street fighter.
Strengths: A brutal but cerebral fighter who depends on advance scouting and a furious intial rush to win his bouts.
Quick with the overhand club and possesses a powerful leg sweep. Once opponents are down Friedgen is usually able to submit them without joint locks, as the total force of his weight pressing down on the opponent presses the air from the lungs and incapacitates the fighter.
Weaknesses: As with almost all heavyweights, tends to get winded easily, but less so than other candidates--overall, his conditioning is better than almost any other fighter in the Meatnormous division. (Based on truth here, since up until his hip replacement surgery the Fridge ran three miles daily during his tenure at Georgia Tech.) Aforementioned hip problem affects mobility, and could cause problems.
In-ring oufit: Black, one strap singlet and black boots.
Mark "Manwich" Mangino
...a meteorite of muscular malice.
Height: Shortish. 5'9?
Weight: Gotta be creeping toward three bills.
Fighting style: Sumo/Submission Holds
Strengths: Where Friedgen is the cerebral technician of big men, Mangino is the crazed badger caveman type, relying on his low center of gravity and ball-like physique to push his opponents into corners and then deliver the decisive throw. An accomplished grappler, Mangino presents problems for opponents dependent on delivering blows since his edgeless physique seems to repel all punishment, no matter how brutal it may be. Nearly impossible to throw or pick up. A tough match for the street-fighting Friedgen, to be sure.
Weaknesses: Tends to get winded easily. Little to nothing in the way of reach, and thus exposes himself to severe punishment in order to get close for the throw. Virtually useless after round four, and unable to kick at all.
In-ring outfit: electric blue mawashi
Cast your vote below, and describe how you think this will play out.
Is this the Fry Daddy or the Manwich? You decide