Join us today for EDSBS Live, where we’ll be joining you from the back of a van constantly moving through undisclosed locations to escape the wrath of the Orgeron, whose Ole Miss Rebels nearly continued the Mississippi curse on Florida in a 30-24 game that had us sweating pungent, oily fearsweat.

Fortunately, the wireless is working, and we’re eating nothing and crossing rivers whenever we can to throw off the scent trail. (There’s nothing we can do about the infrared, though.) Our only real hope is that a blue chip recruit comes between us and him along the way.

Guests tonight on EDSBS Live, 7 p.m. EST to 9 p.m. EST: Sunday Morning Quarterback and whoever we can get to talk about the epic Georgia/Alabama game. Click here to listen, or just hit the play button on the player in the sidebar over there on the right.

And now, Kerwin Bell hitting himself in the balls with a football.

We’ll talk to you tonight.

Orson, 8:45 p.m. 100 COCKTAILS TO YOU if you’ve made it this far! It’s the cocktail shift, where nightowls, antacids, and desperate bids for physical affection take hold. If all three fail, you’ve still got Pac-10 football and Mountain West games to look forward to, the Adult Swim of gridiron offerings.

Hail, hail, says Mr. O’Toole, to you, guest bloggers Oops Pow and Jebus! Fine work and a loss by Iowa State to Toledo surely await you as a reward.

Now on to the anchor leg, and vodka tonic to the finish.

Jebus, 8:56 p.m. This Iowa offense isn’t just bad - it’s not even from the past. It’s like the players are from another sport. It’s as though they don’t understand how to even play football. It’s like when they made Smokin’ Joe Frazier swim in the Superstars competition. It’s just… This is my last transmission.

OPS, 9:00 p.m. The first quarter of the Iowa game is in the books, and the story is pretty simple: Neither team can do anything on offense. Iowa’s receivers, like Jebus, are all dead, and Wisconsin’s QB has been beaten into submission. How many times has a game been 0-0 after two overtimes?

Jebus, 9:23 p.m. I wonder what goes on in the Iowa offensive meetings? They’re clearly not drawing up plays. Are they playing bingo?

Jebus, 9:27 p.m. Injury Report: Al Toon just suffered his 91st concussion when they put the headset on him for his “interview”. He is not expected to return. Sad.

OPS, 9:35 p.m. The Elias Sports Bureau has been put on notice that the record for most punts is certainly going down tonight. There have been 14 in 26 minutes of play thus far.

OPS, 9:52 p.m. It’s clear: if you really want to fuck up a compromise, have referees take care of it.

Jebus, 10:02 p.m. What the fuck are you talking about?

OPS, 10:02 p.m. After a Wisconsin TD, Iowa drives the length of the field(!) and scores (!!) a touchdown(!!!!) with four seconds to go (!!!!!!) on a one-handed catch by Run-DJK (!!!!!timesinfinity). 10-7 Iowa at the half. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go streaking.

Orson, 10:10 p.m. Georgia looking most muscular against Alabama. BTW, every time they pan to the stands, the camera catches at least two or three women between the ages of 18-24 so heartbreakingly beautiful you can see it beneath layers of body paint. That is a particularly striking and ephemeral brand of beauty, there.

OPS, 10:21 p.m. Cutting to the Purdue-Minnesota game, it appears that even the Minnesota cheerleaders are utterly bereft of that striking and ephemeral beauty, O-Dawg. Purdue leads 24-3, but owing to the inept nature of both the Purdue D and the Big Ten as a whole, we can’t actually consider the Goofers out of this game.

Orson, 10:25. The SEC is a warre of alle againste alle this year. LSU, for all the yardage, didn’t euthanize the Cocks the way they theoretically could have. Florida let Ole Miss take them to the wire after discovering that they still have no secondary. Kentucky looks as composed and imbued with victory-aura as anyone. Completely focacta, the whole league.

And Matthew Stafford will be a fat, bald 40 year old man. One with a tired, tired penis, yes; but most definitely a fat, bald 40 year old.

OPS, 10:35 p.m. This is going to shock you, but the Hawkeyes just punted again.

OPS, 10:45 p.m. My sympathy for anyone who thought Stanford might cover against Oregon. It’s already 21-3 in the first quarter, and they’re making it look really easy.

OPS, 10:58 p.m. Just pointing out that Iowa is leading at a top 10 team (even one that clearly does not deserve it) going into the fourth quarter. My clothes are having a lot of trouble staying on. It’s like I’m on E.

Orson, 11:04 p.m. Christ, Alabama ties this up and ensures yet another goddamn Daniel Moore Painting called “The Scramble” will eke its watercolory way into the world. JPW and his lovely locks on a scramble for the tying TD.

Orson, 11:10 p.m. Tripp Chandler finally fucking catches a ball for UGA after four drops. You and your stupidly spelled name are killing UGA and their magnificent fat cuddly bastard of a qb.

Orson, 11:15 p.m. Coutu misses. Bear Bryant, translucent, gives the buddy Jesus thumbs up to the stands at Bryant-Denny. Everyone wearing Bama gear at BDS can actually see this with their naked eyes.

OPS, 11:18 p.m. Hey, remember what I said about Oregon covering? It’s 21-17 now. The Snodfarts have taken advantage of two Oregon turnovers to get back in the game. Meanwhile, Iowa hits a field goal to make it 14-13 with less than seven minutes to go. Give me something to fight and I will fight it. Bareknuckled. Iowa must win this game. They must!

Orson, 11:23 p.m. Is Mike Patrick actually bringing Britney Spear into this OMG STAFFORD TO HENDERSON HOLY SHIT GEORGIA STABS THEM IN THE FACE WITH A HOBNAILED…UM…KNIFE?

OPS, 11:30 p.m. Iowa gets the ball back with two minutes to go, down 17-13. So you’re telling me there’s still a chance!

Jebus, 11:34 p.m. These commercials are soothing as shit. Thanks, ABC!

Jebus, 11:37 p.m. Lock up your kids, Madison! Musberger’s on the loose in …3 …2 ….

OPS, 11:41 p.m. Huh. So this is what a gun tastes like.

OPS, 11:45 p.m. I still haven’t decided if I would take the young lady from the Hardee’s biscuit commercial to bed. I’m still in the “with copious amounts of alcohol” camp; your thoughts, gents?

Jebus, 11:50 p.m. How many biscuits does she have? I’m hungry as shit. (scratches belly, wanders down to balls, shuffles away)

Orson, 11:51 p.m. Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, give your cake to Matthew Stafford! Much thanks to Jebus and OPS for playing today-please peruse their site, Black Heart, Gold Pants, where they will eulogize the death of the Kirk Ferentz hypeball machine before threatening exotic forms of suicide.

We’re off to dream of the US Women’s Soccer Team piling onto us in celebratory glee. Goonight.

The boys from Black Heart, Gold Pants join us on the liveblog as Florida attempts to hang on at Ole Miss. Happy thoughts!

Orson, 3:34 p.m. This game is going to kill me. Prepare the pyre.

Jebus, 3:36 p.m. In another part of the world, Bonnie Bernstein is at the Michigan game, lisping, gesturing wildly, and she needs conditioner… I guess that’s not news at all.

OPS, 3:38 p.m. Holy shit, James Joe “Animal” Laurinaitis is screaming about the Ohio State offense at me. It’s pretty safe to assume that he’s always wearing face paint and using his wrestler voice, right?

Jebus, 3:49 p.m. Howdya like to get a look at Coach O’s EKG right about now? How would you like to be the guy who was supposed to listen to his instructions and try to translate them to the team?

Orson, 3:54 The shame is complete. Louisville falls to Syracuse.

Jebus, 4:06 That reverse by South Carolina was like a violent slow speed chase. I know it didn’t gain any yardage but it was beautiful.

Orson, 4:10 The fake punt by Ole Miss was bad surgery: bloody, simple, and ultimately fatal.

Jebus, 4:12 Ryan Mallett runs like a young John Navarre, with snowshoes.

Orson, 4:18 p.m. Some middle schooler on crack just scored for LSU.

Orson, 4:28 p.m. Gary Danielson has, freed from the yoke of being Brent Musberger’s truss, ascended to Parnassus as an analyst. And awww, adorable shots of Mike VI, who thinks about killing all day-but looks so cute when he does it!

Touchdown, Michigan State. MAKE PLAYS!!!

Jebus, 4:39 pm Verne Lundquist has a twinkle in his eye and a boner in his pants for the first time in 84 years. It’s all because of Holly’s rack. He’s still aroused.

Orson, 4:44 p.m. Oklahoma State, in addition to the gold plated urinals in the locker room, are wearing cool hats right now, little orange beanies water is piped through to keep them cool. They look like members of a uniformed cult based on heavy corn syrup consumption and athletic tape. 21-14, OSU now.

Orson, 4:55 p.m. LSU has 34 tailbacks on their roster. All of them are awesome beyond verbiage. Miles can’t even care who goes in from play to play; he just covers his eyes and points.

OPS, 5:02 p.m. Michigan is now driving late in the half, after their attempt to run out the clock was met with boos. Ah, democracy.

Orson, 5:09 p.m. LSU runs a wacky fake FG for a TD, and it surprises everyone in the stadium, including Les Miles, apparently, who looked like he was thinking of paste, or puppies, or maybe Mobile Suit Gundam Wing or something. His eminence front is extremely poorly maintained.

Going for a walk to air out the brain. Watch the TT/OSU game for fun in the meantime. It’s 345-278 in the second.

OPS, 5:20 p.m. John Saunders just pointed out that had Ball State not missed an extra point, the game may have gone into overtime. Now I’m no scienceologist, but if Nebraska had been down 41-35 when they scored their last touchdown, I think they might have just kicked an extra point.

Jebus, 5:23 p.m. Fact: Before the game, Mike Leach told Mike Gundy to pick a number between 50-100. Gundy foolishly picked 77.

Jebus, 5:34 p.m. At the half, TT-OSU have combined for 767 yards, 9 TD’s, 1 punt, and no tackles. YARRRRRR!!!!!!!

OPS, 5:49 p.m. This is bullshit. Why do we have to make our timestamps in EDT? Orson’s not even here right now.

OPS, 4:50 p.m. Much better. By the way, Austin Scott just coughed the ball up deep in Michigan territory. I’ll be shocked if the Fuck Nittany Lions get into the end zone today.

Jebus, 5:53 p.m. While we’re lodging complaints, I was told there’d be blow and hookers here at the EDSBS bunker. There isn’t even indoor plumbing. Could I at least get some M&M’s (no dark chocolate)?

OPS, 5:08 p.m. No kidding. I’d settle for a bedpan and a stale pack of Mambas.

Jebus, 6:22 p.m. Herr Lundquist is so aroused that he just got a little too grabby with Danielson. He was like drunk uncle Lou who hugs a little too tight after a few cocktails at Christmas. Danielson needs a grown-up.

OPS, 5:35 p.m. The NBC cameras just spent 15 seconds focused in on Chuck Weis lecturing Clausen, as the Emu listened intently. There was no way to tell what Weis was talking about, of course, but we can safely presume that he was reciting the menu from Barney’s Beanery.

Jebus, 6:38 p.m. “Mike Hart is bending over at the waist.” — Brad Nessler

OPS, 5:50 p.m. Michigan holds on 4th and 10 with about a minute to go (it’s easy to cover receivers if they’re stationary), and the final is 14-9. Meanwhile, we’re one hour away from the Iowa game. Pardon my erection.

Jebus, 6:55 p.m. Every time Javon Ringer runs by, Charlie Weis thinks, “au jus… he’d be good with some au jus…”

Jebus, 7:02 p.m. Verne just busted his load on that onside kick thinking South Carolina got it. Methinks old school has money on tOBC to cover. The line was 16.5 Verne, you’re good, brother.

Orson, 7:18 p.m. Bob Davie was dabbing at Black Announcer Whose Name We Can’t Recall Mark Something’s forehead as he ate barbecue offered up by an Arkansas tailgater. His tender tabbing was more intimate in its touch than most marriages we’ve seen, actually. A sensualist, that Davie.

OPS, 7:45 p.m. Why isn’t the Baylor-Buffalo game on national TV?! This is an outrage!

OPS, 8:18 p.m. One minute and two plays from scrimmage into the game, and Iowa is already digging into the timeouts. And coming out of the timeout… they give up a sack! Great game planning, guys. Wisconsin might as well give up now!

Jebus, 8:20 p.m. Introducing Wisconsin? The ROCK! Introducing Iowa? Kirk Ferentz. Are you fucking kidding me? We couldn’t get Kutcher? I hate you Disney.

OPS, 8:31 p.m. Oh good, the Rock announces Iowa’s defense too, and has this to say about Mike Klinkenborg: “Don’t make fun of him; he will hurt you.” Well, shit. Now all these name jokes will have to go to waste. Trust me, they were golden.

OPS, 8:46 p.m. Okay, just one. More like Klinken-BUTT! Meanwhile, the Hawkeyes’ last experienced receiver has gone down to injury, which means the two wideouts will be a true freshman and Hayley LaFontaine. I need a hug.

Orson, 9:30 a.m. Yawn! (scratches balls.) Ah, this is the early shift liveblog, covering the games till around mid-afternoon. Morning, Sam; morning, Ralph.

Orson, 10:21 a.m. Bama Gameday is liiiiiiiiive. Much thanks to the redneckass Georgia fans who strapped the old Georgia flag-the one where 3/4 of the thing is the Confederate flag-to a pole and are flying it in the background for the whole nation to see. Eh, Cletus, pass the glug!

Orson, 10:38 a.m. Two nice moments already:

Fowler: Any opinions on Brown vs. Harvard? Herbstreit: …And the best sign thus far: “AUBURN PLAYERS CAN’T READ THIS SIGN.”And why Desmond Howard can’t be throwing cash down on the table and attempting to make money off Andre Woodson in this pool game is another reason why the NCAA is an evil despot of an organization. Tyranny has a thousand faces, kids.

Orson, 10:59 a.m. Herbstreit admitting that he hasn’t seen minute one of Air Force only swells our general like for him-he seems almost proud of it, and refuses to make a call with a shit-eating grin on his face.

The Brandon Cox for Heisman signs are killing us with laughter. Somewhere, Cuddles is blaming all that sand in Cox’s vagina for ruining Auburn’s season.

Orson, 11:09 a.m. Desmond Howard introduces Saban like Black Bush introduces Tony Blair. “If you don’t believe me, just ask my lawya Nick Saban.” Giggling like a little schoolgirl eek!

Orson, 11:15 a.m. Hate many things about Nick Saban, but keep your hater eyes off that suit. It speaks of all that is fine and luxurious in life-it probably smells like Godiva truffles, fine cognac, and yacht polish. Or Luciano Pavarotti’s corpse. Same thing, really.

Orson, 11:25: Of course that unblinking violin-playing bumpin automaton is named “Caleb.” Enoch is soooo 2006.

Orson: 11:45 a.m. …and who did the Rabbitohs lose to in the playoffs? Ohio State’s varsity rugby team, of course.

Orson, 11:59 a.m. Kirk goes Georgia! Lee sings! And picks Alabama, in effect spraying anti-lynchin’ spray all over himself in the process.

The camera just panned past a woman so fit she has the v-cut lower ab muscles thing on display. Charlie Weis-she looks like a playmaker! Scholly in the mail!

Orson, 12:09 p.m. USF finishes their 80 plus yard TD drive with the bone! Well-played, vintage playcall fanboy.

orson, 12:21 p.m. UNC is tackling like they’ve just finished eating particularly greasy slices of pizza. Louisville, however, wears the animal hat carcass chapeau of shame by allowing an offensive td to Syracuse.

Jebus, 12:50 p.m. Getting shouted down by Skip Holtz has to be the most emasculating thing in the world. How do you look yourself in the face after that?

Jebus, 12:53 p.m. OK, phone sex with Pam Ward would be more emasculating than Skip Holtz yelling at you in front of a small regional audience, but still, it would be pretty bad.

OPS, 12:59 p.m. Rece Davis just called today “Hangover Saturday.” It’s like he’s right here next to me.

Orson, 1:09 p.m. PERCY HARVIN IS UNFAIR BUT HE IS OURS SO THERE.

Jebus, 1:10 p.m. I just heard this on the ECU-WFVU broadcast as I was making my sandwich - “An old coach used to tell us to get right up in his mustache!” That’s… great. I’ll go ahead and not eat this sandwich now, thanks!

OPS, 1:21 p.m. Somehow, I’m getting the Temple-BGSU game. In Iowa City. I know what you’re thinking, and your jealousy is entirely justified. As for Temple, their uniforms can best be described as “terrifying.” It’s like they’re wearing stripper pants.

Orson, 1:30 p.m. Syracuse is beating Louisville 21-7. We’re getting a sandwich before the hordes of locusts arrives.

Jebus, 1:30 p.m. Syracuse? Really, Lousiville?

Orson, 1:44 p.m. Tebow drags four defenders into the endzone-TD, Florida. Morgan Freeman does the ads for Ole Miss? Magisterial, Rebels-positively magisterial. Miss. State should have Sam Jackson. Mississippi MOTHERFUCKIN’ STATE!!!

OPS, 1:59 p.m. Say, Jebus, does this sound familiar? “[Syracuse’s] non-conference isn’t cupcakey enough to predict a bowl bid, but considering how many of the tough teams come to the Carrier Dome, they could ruin a few Big East title shots.” It’s called prescience, lawya!

Jebus, 2:01 p.m. It’s called bullshit, fool!

Orson, 2:14 p.m. Chan Gailey and Al Groh are fighting like old men throwing down with walkers and oxygen tanks swinging at UVA. Al Groh is winning. For Tech fans, this sentence equals sadness beyond comprehension.

OPS, 2:21 p.m. I think Pam Ward is wearing a full-body sports bra.

OPS, 2:37 p.m. Scrawled on a sign in the Louisville crowd: “nothing that dont kill us will only make us stronger” [sic, sic, sic]. I’m definitely getting that tattooed over my heart.

Orson, 2:39 p.m. Syracuse is beating Louisville. We’re stuffing our head in a bag of freon and ether right now for two minutes. When we come back, 2007 will make sense.

Orson, 2:52 p.m. Florida pulling away ever-so-slowly, but still charitably handing out penalties to Ole Miss. Given the option between shoving a hot mozzarella stick in our eye or watching our team at any SEC road game…we’d still take the road game. Barely.

Orson, 3:07 p.m. One day, if we need to spring a friend from prison, we’ll make the prison hires Kyle Jackson. When our friend is running in open field to freedom, Jackson will pose no threat to him. Jackson goes for a pick and gives Ole Miss six.

OPS, 3:13 p.m. How’s that mozzarella stick looking, Orson?

Orson, 3: fuckity fuck p.m. I’ll take two, please.

Jebus, 3:22 p.m. I’m not wearing any pants.

The Order of Business

1. Week Four at the Bunker. We’ll be watching this at the EDSBS Bunker in North Carolina, where a Gameplan package, ample wireless, and vodka tonics await. We may never emerge from this undisclosed location; if we don’t, assume it’s for your protection…and the nation’s, citizen.

2. Picking a Picker. We’ve gotten over 40 inquiries for a gambling columnist. We’ll think of some brilliant way to pick one this weekend.

3. Liveblogging as an Endurance Sport. We’ll likely have a laptop at arm’s reach at all times, meaning that we’ll open up a liveblog to note all of the extremely important things we notice during the day. (”HAI dOODz! Saban: hAilitez; his hair haz dem.”) Joining us will be the Glitter Twins of the Farm Belt, Jebus H. Christ and Oops Pow Surprise! of Black Heart, Gold Pants. Mysteriously hot farmgirls for everyone!

4. Cheesecake. Oh, we didn’t forget. Click the jump for pics of Adriana Cataño, Univision gal gone global. She’s the spokesperson for Rooms To Go in Latin America, which should stand as testimony that bunda and a militant body hair removal regimen can get one very, very far in life-nay, to the peak!

Because once you’ve done Rooms To Go, it’s really just shuffleboard/Ensure/Valhalla from there, really. (SFW, but not really, right? Because a woman wearing nothing but sand probably isn’t work-relevant, unless you’re a marketer for industrial sand or an ad guy trying out concepts for a new exfoliant, right?)

See you this weekend.

-O.

(more…)

You threaten us by saying this is a lame weekend of college football. You should have chosen your words more carefully, Persian, especially when the Michigan State/Notre Dame game put an image in our heads so sublimely weird, so stupid and puerile, so magnificent, we could only entrust it to the Paganini of Photoshop, the Mozart of Modified Images, the one and only…Mr2Cents.

THIS…IS…SPARTAAAAAA!!!!!!! Uh…

Fuck. We’re gonna need a bigger bottomless pit, Leonidas. Always with the armor, and the swords, and the beard trimmers, and the body wax, and the ab roller. Seriously-has anyone ever used that thing without chipping a tooth? Sure, I’m the one like, “Hey, have you noticed how puny our pit’s been looking lately?” But noooooooo, you’re all like “It’s still bottomless, isn’t it? I’m late for Pilates, now get out of my way.” Well who’s laughing now, circuit boy, huh? Huh?

Florida State’s offense may still be “ugly,” according to Jimbo Fisher, but one inescapable dynamic of Sunshine State football has perked up for the ‘Noles: arrests. A longstanding rule of football among the triumverate of Florida, FSU, and Miami is that the number of run-ins with the law usually correlate positively with on-field success. (For instance, Florida celebrated a national title by having an offensive lineman discharge an AR-15 in public. Fiesta siempre!)

If that rule holds true, the Noles are bound for glory once again, with the first baby step of the journey beginning at Potbellies, a Tallahassee haunt where fullback Joe Suratt and most important starter type linebacker Geno Hayes were arrested for FnDC. The gory account, courtesy of the Tallahassee Democrat:

Petroczky tried to escort Hayes from the scene, but Hayes resisted. Petroczky took him to the ground, but Hayes continued to resist. Malafronte then shot him with his Taser.

No reports have suggested that Hayes at any point said “Don’t tase me, bro,” so he’s already pretty far up in the cards with that.

In addition to that Hayes was told he’d be tasered, thought about it, and decided to see if he could tolerate the pain of 10,000 volts and then whip the guy’s ass. That’s dedication to shedding your blocker if we’ve ever seen it. Not even voltage can stop Geno Hayes from getting to you! Except, um, it did, meaning Jimbo Fisher might start bugging the sideline staff to see if he can get a few of the offensive line’s gloves wired up in the bye week prior to FSU’s matchup with NC State next week.

(Kevin suggests that with Surratt’s felony charges, his days at FSU may be done. His best defense may be claiming post-concussive syndrome, induced by close contact with Reggie Nelson.)

There comes a time in every season, on certain days, when one must look at the schedule and think “Eh, no biggie,” and so we reach our first dramatic trough in the narrative of the season. It’s easy to underestimate a day of games that offer but a single showdown of undefeated opponents a mere three weeks in.

Yet I would submit that these are the days that can offer the greatest surprises. The weakest day of games last year ultimately produced three top ten upsets from nowhere – Arizona over Cal, Kansas State over Texas, Cincinnati over undefeated Rutgers – as well as Wake Forest over Florida State by thirty and South Carolina and Florida to the final play in one of the games of the season, where the only possible “marquee” match of the day (Tennessee-Arkansas) was a one-sided rout from the kickoff.

Now, gentlemen, in the past you might have never had the opportunity to see any of those games, or any of the thrills destined to follow them in a matter of hours. But, I’m happy to say, in this country our televisions are the great levelers. In our televisions, all games are created equal. That’s no ideal to me. That is a living, working reality!

The moral: all football commands your full attention at all times. As its servant, you bow before its prescripts from the couch, the recliner, the barstool, in front of the tiny, sketchy set in the parking lot as part of your ritual pilgrimage. In whatever way you must to fulfill your obligation to the anarchic, walk-on-fuelled drama unfolding in unexpected locales every hour of the day. Did you see that fake punt? That double reverse flea flicker? Highlights, you know, will only fill your sould with a palpable sense of loss only the slightly time-delayed moment could possibly replace. If you missed the “Bluegrass Miracle” when it happened, really, why go on living?

The football gods created weekends, and filled them with games. And yea, they saw that it was good. This is not up for debate. Only sweet, sweet obedience.

This week on the tube (all time Eastern unless otherwise noted):

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…
OKLAHOMA at TULSA
The anachronistically-named Hurricane – whose mascot is not a hurricane at all, but a tornado that resembles “Powdered Toast Man” – have lost ten straight games to the Big 12 since beating Oklahoma State in 1998. This could be the best Tulsa outfit since that game, and if that wasn’t also potentially true of the Sooners, the automatic OU smashing might be worth a second thought. But it’s not, so it’s not. Watch For: Malzahnification hits primetime: running the ex-Arkansas coordinator’s vaunted “Hurry-Up, No-Huddle ” spread, Tulsa combined with BYU last week for 102 points, 1,289
total yards, 1,027 passing yards, 59 first downs on 164 plays in regulation. Tulsa won, 55-47.

SATURDAY, NOON: THERE IS A TRUCK. CHANGE ITS OIL BEFORE…

Main Course: NORTH CAROLINA at SOUTH FLORIDA (Noon • ESPN)
Carolina has lost its last two games by a combined five points, with even the Virginia managers playing their part to foil the best-laid and only accidentally illegal plans for Butch Davis’ first I-A victory in Chapel Hill. THE MAN HAD CANCER, MATT GROTHE. Hasn’t he suffered enough? Watch For: Your first look at UNC redshirt freshman T.J. Yates, who’s passed for 900 yards and nine touchdowns in the first three starts of his career and again will not have a running game or defense to undercut the huge demand for his arm.

On the other channel…
EAST CAROLINA at WEST VIRGINIA (Noon • ESPN2)
The good news for the Pirates: ECU leads Conference USA in rushing defense and held West Virginia to its lowest yards-per-carry of the season last September. The bad news: the Mountaineers still won by 17 by putting up their third-best passing total of the year against ECU’s stil-porous secondary. Steve Slaton maybe had like mono or a hangover? I dunno. And Noel Devine was still in high school (technically speaking). Watch For: The cat-quick Devine, if you missed him last week against Maryland. I don’t have to remind you if you saw that game, since that little hop step and acceleration will have you back like cooked crack.

ARMY at BOSTON COLLEGE (1:00 • ESPN Classic)
Last week’s classic game with Louisville and Kentucky kinda was a classic, in that no-defense, “whoops,I forgot to cover the guy running for the winning touchdown” sort of way. Much less so this week as B.C. belatedly sets its schedule to ‘jog’ on the heels of a three-game ACC sprint out of the blocks. Watch For: The confirmation of your undying love for our servicemen. Just in case. I mean, not to suggest that you’re being secretly monitored for un-patriotic activity by programs that do not, in fact, exist. And anyway, you’d always support Army, because that’s the sort of devoted countryman you are, whether anyone’s watching or not. Which they most definitely are not. And even if they were – again: just forget about that – anyway, you do love America, don’t you? Don’t you?!

Provincialism: Best ACC game of the morning may be Clemson at N.C. State on Lincoln Financial (Noon); SEC folks get the Daves doing the LF game in Oxford, against Florida (11:00 CT) … Viewers are excused from their patriotic duty to watch Army bludgeoned by B.C. if they prefer to watch Navy’s precise flexbone carve up Duke on CSTV (1:00). It’s prefered, actually … Barrels of fun with NFL rejects on ESPNU, where Chan Gailey shares his oatmeal recipes as Al Groh scowls fiercely before Georgia Tech’s game with Virginia (Noon) … And, also at noon Eastern, Illinois and Indiana have the Big Ten Network all to themselves.

EARLY AFTERNOON: YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON DAYTIME TELEVISION

Main Course: SOUTH CAROLINA at LSU (3:30 • CBS)
The Tigers could get away with that sort of thing on cable, in late night, but on network during family hours, the FCC has issued a strict ban against all forms of sharp-edged genitalia. Bo Pellini is appealing. Also: Matt Flynn is not 100 percent but does expect to start, phallic imagery or no, but will be without Early Doucet. Watch For: South Carolina’s narrow losses to overlords Auburn and Florida made for fascinating viewing and tense finishes almost entirely because of the OBC’s uncanny knack for mixing up safe passes and draws that moved the chains, controlled the clock and kept the Cocks’ overmatched defense off the field. His defense is more experienced and probably less of a liability this time around, but the immediate image of Blake Mitchell behind a young O-line in the face of LSU’s standard pressure on the road is “Sean Glennon, Part Deux.” It will be interesting to see how Spurrier tries to offset the obvious gap in athleticism up front.

On the Other Channel…
PENN STATE at MICHIGAN (3:30 • ABC)
One 38-0 win over the most high profile cupcake in the country, and suddenly the Wolverines are, like, back or something? Believe this meme only if Michigan survives to 1-0 in the conference on Sunday, at which point it is immediately hailed as the Big Ten frontrunner. Watch For: An inevitably tight game born of two conservative, essentially lame duck coaches determined to keep their quarterbacks out of trouble. That one is a true freshman and the other a fifth-year senior is of no consequence: whether it’s the zone for Mike Hart or the traditional man-on-man mauling for PSU, the off-tackle reigns.

MICHIGAN STATE at NOTRE DAME (3:30 • NBC)
This is about the point every season John L. Smith’s fast-starting team permanently hit the skids in obvious, run-down-Main-Street-on-fire fashion, and the Irish themselves provided the gasoline for MSU’s self-immolation in the rain last year in East Lansing. I’m not sure such tendency for psychological collapse survived the changeover at head coach (and quarterback as well), but I am certain that, however mentally deranged Michigan State or any other opponent may be at any point, it’s on more stable footing than the Irish offense. Watch For: Morbid yuks and delicious schadenfreude. If it’s not for Michigan State’s annual spectacular implosion, the ongoing black comedy that is Notre Dame’s offense trying to score a point should keep the haters rapt. Since I like watching, you know, close games that matter, I’ve missed Jimmy’s auspicious outings each of the last two weeks, but the unbelievable incompetence is a siren call. It’s like Faces of Death for offense.

TEXAS TECH at OKLAHOMA STATE (3:30 • FSN)
Whatever cachet OK State brought into the season off the bowl win over Alabama was administered its last rites at Georgia and pronounced dead last Friday at Troy, where the Cowboys allowed 41 points and 562 yards total offense. Watch For: Mike Leach meets the unit ranked 11th in the Big 12 in pass, pass efficiency and scoring defense? Need I say more?

NORTHWESTERN at OHIO STATE (3:30 • ESPN)
As if Northwestern and Ohio State aren’t coming from different enough starting points already, the Wildcats enter Columbus Saturday as fresh victims of the most toothless, longest-suffering marmoset in the country just as Ohio State found its offensive chi in a second half rout at once-surging Washington. Watch For: Tresselball’s triumph in a tight game that comes down to the final minutes. Somehow, we all know that’s where this is headed, right?

Provinicalism: Mountain West fans can have their choice of Air Force at BYU – possibly a de facto league championship game, given the Falcons’ fast start over the MWC’s other summer favorites, Utah and TCU – at 2 p.m. MT on Mtn. and Colorado State at Houston at 3:30 Central on CSTV. Dish Network subscribers outside of Ohio can also pick up Wyoming and Ohio U. (3:00) on something known as the Sky Angel Network, or order it on ESPN Gameplan … Maryland at Wake Forest should be a fine, low-scoring game on ESPNU (3:30) … Idaho residents who can’t be there can check out the smallest stadium in D-IA when Northern Illinois visits the Vandals’ Kibbie Domeon CSN Northwest (3:00 MT) or the Vandals’ own local network, appropriately named “Go Vandals.”

HERE COMES THE NIGHT: S-E-URGENCY

Main Course: GEORGIA at ALABAMA (7:45 • ESPN)
See, now this is the sort of shit Nick Saban has time for (though only barely): ‘Bama gets a ranked conference foe at home for the second straight week, albeit this one not featuring Darren McFadden in its backfield. The Dogs will be tougher defensively than Arkansas, though, at least to the extent that they won’t stay in man coverage for an entire quarter while John Parker Wilson and D.J. Hall bomb them into a three-touchdown hole. UGA also brings a little balance Arkansas didn’t with Matt Stafford, making his first significant road start as something other than a fingers-crossed freshman just hoping to keep his shit together out there. Watch For: The sobering moment early in the fourth quarter, after a gaping hole opens up that Knowshon Moreno takes for 30 yards into scoring range on a run that puts him over 100 for the night, that makes clear the Tide’s problems against the run extend well past its inability to contain the best back in the country.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at WISCONSIN (8 p.m. • ABC)
You’re LOOKING LIVE! at the most disappointing “Saturday Night Football” selection since the inception of the idea last year. This is something of a rivalry game among neighbors, for SEC partisans moving at too great a rate of speed to locate Madison on a map – and one usually played in November, at the close of the season; what’s with making this the conference opener? – but holds little pizazz in the wake of Iowa’s embarrassing loss at Iowa State last week, to say nothing of Wisconsin’s lackluster comebacks against UNLV and The Citadel it its last two games. Watch For: The “Jump Around” between the third and fourth quarters, which will get too cliché to be cool soon enough but still looks like the most fun any single set of fans can have on a weekly basis for now.

KENTUCKY at ARKANSAS (6:00 • ESPN2)
If it’s going to command attention, Kentucky might as well get used to hearing every game described in terms of a shootout, because however tantilizing Arkansas’ secondary looks to Andre Woodson after allowing a career high to Parker Wilson, the UK front seven/eight is just like a big, soft banana split to McFadden et al. Both teams spent last Saturday night running up and down the field on, and in pursuit of, their key September opponents, to very difficult results, which makes this a much more urgent track meet for the Razorbacks. Watch For: Woodson and McFadden, two of the best players in the country dedicating three and a half hours to trying to top the other.

RICE at TEXAS (7:00 • FSN)
The Longhorns really need a game like this before hitting Big 12 play next week against Kansas State, against a thoroughly overmatched, 0-3, academic weakling that lost its first game to Nicholls State. With ritual lambs Arkansas State and Central Florida putting up too much of a fight to truly sanctify the slaughter, UT fans are getting restless for the sustaining blood of a patsy blowout before the real battle. Watch For: Unless you self-identify as a Texas fan, Rice fan or a particularly sadistic sadist, I can’t think of any reason to watch this game unless the ticker miraculously shows the Owls within a touchdown in the fourth quarter. And maybe not even then.

PURDUE at MINNESOTA (9:00 • ESPN2)
The potential for Purdue’s offense in this game can’t be stressed emphatically enough: the Boilermakers are averaging 535 yards and 50 points per game and had 300 yards on four touchdown drives in the first quarter last week against Central Michigan. Minnesota has allowed a little over 550 yards per game to Bowling Green, the Ohio-based Miami and Florida Atlantic. Watch For: Falling single-game passing records, along with tiles from the Metrodome if Curtis Painter gets really carried away.

WASHINGTON at UCLA (10:15 • FSN)
Two teams with coaches and confidence on-edge after bad, exposing losses last week, neither with a history of rebounding from such games with stabilizing verve. Watch For: Washington’s reckless, punishing quarterback Jake Locker, if you haven’t seen him yet, but by the time the day winds down to “random Pac Ten game” and the alcohol’s starting to run low and your friend didn’t call back about that party…they all look pretty much the same, don’t they?

Provincialism: In lieu of the mediocre Big Ten showdown, ABC brings USC’s likely massacre of Washington State to the West Coast to open the Pac Ten season (5:00 PT) … Mtn. comes back with Portland State at San Diego State (3:30 PT), neither of which located in the mountains, followed by Utah-UNLV (8:00 MT), which are more in the desert than the mountains, I think, but are closer … Arizona and California square off on Versus (3:00 PT) … And TCU attempts to get its season on track against hapless SMU on CSTV (7:30 CT) after two straight losses.

You’re going to watch it, anyway, you sick, sick person. However, like the informed observer you are, you’re going to watch and enjoy it thanks to our list of eight totally true things, since you’ve already decided not to go to the gym, spend time with your significant other, or remain sober tonight. Good for you, trooper!

8. Dennis Franchione is under so much pressure his teats leak condensed milk constantly. (This usually requires some firm pressure with a gloved hand. Food safety starts with you!)

7. Up to fifty thousand people to attend, the second largest gathering that night in Miami and the largest not involving muscular chickens with razors strapped to their ankles. Wait, there’s a Mets/Marlins game? Okay, third largest, and second largest without the death chickens, okay?

6. Stephen McGee, dual threat quarterback, finally embodies all that A&M fans truly want in a quarterback: tough, fast, able to run the option, and white.

5. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for immigration officials, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

4. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for DEA officers, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

3. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for Russian Tax Police, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

2. Kyle Wright is starting tonight, and will save the groundskeeping crew time and effort by trimming the grass one underthrown ball at a time.

1. 270 pound Jorvorskie Lane will score a diving touchdown. Sadly, the impact will shatter the limestone bedrock of Miami, spoiling the Florida Aquifer and making the city unsafe for human habitation. Unsurprisingly, no one living in Miami will notice this.

A definition:

A concussion occurs when the head hits or is hit by an object. A concussion can also occur when the brain is pushed against the skull with a strong force. In such cases, parts of the brain that control mental function may be damaged. The injured person may become disoriented (confused) and may briefly lose consciousness.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that about three hundred thousand people experience mild to moderate concussions each year as a result of sports injuries. Most of these people are men between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five.

See illustration 1.A below:

For more information, the Library of Congress recommends that you find your local Rey Maualuga. Anger him; this may be done by staring directly at him or at a picture of him, breathing oxygen in his vicinity, or even standing too closely to him in days that end in “y.” Then wait behind as many blockers as you like for desired results. He’ll find you.

(BTW: What in the hell is wrong with UCLA’s protections? Olson was sacked five times in the game against Utah. West coast offense short pass three step drop quick protect whaAAAA?)

Solon, our gambling columnist for the past two years, has retired. He walked away when the dealing was done…just as a gambler should.

The semi-retirement of EDSBS gambling columnist has us recruiting new talent. And when we say talent, we mean it: we’re looking for a degenerate gambler with a bloodlust for even the paltriest of bets. We’re looking for the following:

-Can type quickly.
-Knows college football
-”Knows” betting
-Knows what it’s like to lose possessions to creditors as a result of “knowing” betting
-Has a sense of humor, broad reference base, eclectic tastes, and ability to make point in two paragraphs or less.
-Is not currently incarcerated.
-Will likely not be incarcerated or at least sentenced until the end of bowl season.

If this sounds like you, email us at harumphharumph of the yahoo variety. We offer nothing but bunda pictures we pulled for free off the internet as compensation for a weekly column of picks for the week. We give you 3-1 you can’t resist the call of uncompensated work.

There are certain teams, coaches, and schools of thought in college football that treat any and all knowledge of their football team’s operations as covert, recondite secrets to be squirreled away, put under glass, protected by lasers, buried in the Chamber of Secrets and guarded by only the fiercest of trained attack weasels. This includes information on injuries, the playbook, the sum of the training facility’s waterbill, and the current brand of pants worn by the coach.

Look, I’m not going to talk about the pants. I’ll talk about injuries. But I won’t disclose the nature of the injury. Or whether exists. You ask me if it’s raining outside? Sure it’s raining. I can’t see a window, right now, but sure, you say it’s raining, then it’s raining. I’m still not talking about the pants. Or the window. Or rain. Next question.

This philosophy stems from two schools of coaching, as far as we can see: the Hayes/Schembechler “Screw the Bastards” Academy of Codgery Coaching, and the “Fuck the Bastards” Parcells/Belichick school of coaching, where coaches often do their best “Bartelby the Scrivener” impression (”I would prefer not to”) in the face of even the most innocuous of questions. The whole idea is that such information will give an edge to the opponent, even in the face of rampant evidence that being tightlipped and confrontational only gets you a.) more press for being a grumpus in the public eye, and b.) snickered at when Pete Carroll and Urban Meyer will happily fax you the entire playbook and injury list while you guard the buffet menu like the formula for aerosolized anthrax.

This week’s representative of the “Screw the Bastards” PR school is Les Miles, a Carr/Schembechler disciple who will talk specifically about injuries…as long as you’re using only his words in relation to said injury.

“I think if you would review your own personal stance at how you report injuries - if it comes out of my mouth you use it,” Miles said. “If it doesn’t, if you root for your team and if in fact this is your team, then you would choose not to report anything that doesn’t come out or described by me. I know that everything is news, but sometimes news doesn’t help your team. I would encourage you to see it my way. You should be respectful of the team that you cover.”

Coming next: mandatory purple and gold in the booth! (We point; we snicker.) Like Colbert said about the President to the Washington Press corps: your job is to write down what the president says, and then print it! Just put “coach” in for “president,” then repeat on a daily basis.

Fortunately, Miles has the gorilla with a chainsaw for a penis working for him right now. He can spray as much dumb as he likes from the pulpit, and his team will rip teams in half for him. Until they don’t, his Joan Crawford posturing (SHOW ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE!!!) will go giddily unnoticed. And with what they’ve got…that could be a while.

ps. Paranoia—it’s contagious!

Coach O’s a busy man. Zoom in once you click to see just how busy he can be.