Ragin’ Cajun Rebel sends us good tidings from last weekend’s South Carolina/LSU. According to him, this sign managed to stay up for one whole our before it came down.

We’d love to slip into easy mock-frat-boy mode here: yeah, brah, fucking tight! Yet, with our own susceptibility to dick jokes, we just can’t help but tip the sombrero to the DKE house. Well done.

This is the internet, meaning that this is the place for rumor, hearsay, and spurious stories of dubious sourcing, all sponsored by possibly fraudulent products. So to combine the twin pillars of this glorious virtual universe, we promise that if you read the following explanation of Ohio State 3rd string qb Antonio Henton’s arrest for soliciting a prostitute, your penis/boobs/both, if applicable will grow to twice their normal size when you finish.

One sexual attribute-enhancing rumor, coming right up:

He was driving through that area (a few blocks south of campus) on his way to buy some shoes. While driving along, he was flagged down by a woman who approached his car and asked if he wanted to have sex. Then the uniforms came and arrested him. It should be dismissed as entrapment, and they apparently arrested 10 other people that night in that location. Henton really is a good guy…God damn man trying to keep a dude just gettin’ some shoes down. Fight the power!

What is omitted is Henton’s response to the solicitation, which seems important. We turn this over to the EDSBS legal department, since half of our readership seems to squeeze in visits in between billable hours, while the other half reads this from white-collar prison while trying to get in some consult time with the half reading this from their law offices: is this entrapment? And if so, can we say it with a Sean Connery accent while making eyes at Catherine Zeta-Jones in a catsuit?

To close out a dreary Wednesday, what better than internet humor transposed to the pastime of your choosing? LOLCFB 4 U KTHX BAI.

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Today’s Mustache Wednesday comes to us with a bonus tale of heroism. The most interesting man in the world may actually be Doug Sauter, coach of the minor league hockey team the Oklahoma City Blazers and tamer of huge wild animals, not that guy with the beard whose blood smells like cologne. (Or Doug Sauter may be that man. We’re not sure.)

Doug Sauter, horsemaster. Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Sauter singlehandedly arrested disaster in its tracks Monday at the Oklahoma State Fair when he halted a potential stampede of Belgian draft horses harnessed together in a train. The mustachioed hero…

…was at the fair Saturday attending the Centennial Expo’s Draft Horse Show when he saw a Belgian horse break free from its reins. That caused a chain reaction that spooked other horses, he said Monday.

“You bite as hard as you can, and it won’t move.”

The driver of the train then regained control of the horses. Belgian draft horses, in case you didn’t know, are fucking huge: Sauter wasn’t nipping on a mere feather of a pony ear, but instead likely growling and bearing down on the equivalent of a pulsating steak covered in horse hair and sweat attached to a very angry descendant of the massive proto-horses knights rode into battle. This was not, repeat NOT easy chewing.

To celebrate, Sauter then benchpressed two seated Japanese nurses, freed a wailing bear from a trap, and then commanded everyone on the scene to “stay thirsty, my friends.”

We twiddle our handlebar liplaser in tribute to you, sir. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS from us to Doug Sauter, who must have needed at least one frosty beverage to wash the horrible taste of horse’s blood from his mouth. (HT: BDoc.)

Dan Hawkins: A true Spartan of coachrant.

In the pantheon of glorious rants, Mike Gundy’s must be given short shrift due to its lack of the following things:

1. Thrown objects
2. Profanities
3. Actual, filmed assaults
4. An uncontrolled, free-form rantflow to it.
5. Instantly quotable lines.

Gundy was prepackaged, plastic, and can’t possibly measure up to the foothills of the coach implosion Himalaya due to the lack of the five elements of a real, ass-ripping lunatic rant. Only the line “I’M A GROWN MAN! I’M FORTY!” comes close, and even then it’s borrowing laugh-memory from Molly Shannon’s Salley O’Malley and her enchanting Desert Rose. (He’s Mike Gundy! He can kick! Stretch! And….KICK! FOUR-OH!)

He even brought props, a bush league crutches of the junior-circuit ranter. Props mean you planned it; ideally, a rant comes not from the heart, or the head, but instead from the lizard brain, unfiltered, uncontrollable, and irresistable. Mike Gundy, were he a cinematic murderer, would be William H. Macy in Fargo; a real ranter like Lou Piniella or Dan Hawkins is Mr. Brooks or Dexter, unwillingly turning the wheel over to the Dark Passenger without knowing it. If props are involved, they’re hijacked on the scene, usually thrown without caring where they go or who they hit. (Hal McCray, phone; Lou Piniella, bases, Rob Dibble, an infant in a barfight with Billy Martin in 1977.)

Sadly, the best verbal coaching fit ever eluded recording devices. Marv Levy swore in an interview on the NFL Network that George Allen once went on a 45 minute tirade about the evils of snow tires. But failing that, for proper, grumpy bastard rant, call a pro like Paul Johnson, who’ll run the triple option of rant-ropology by accusing you of working at McDonald’s, getting angry, and wagering a public ass-kissing on the challenge. (HT: Peter.)

Reporter: Can I ask you something without making you mad?

Johnson: Maybe. I don’t know. (more…)

Heyo! This week’s blogpoll has the strength of not being done ten minutes before deadline, so bring the hatredcopter, haters. It’s…it’s…almost competent.

Adamant refusals to apologize and open challenges to fight you in the Thunderdome follow.

Open challenges to fight!

Poor-mouthing, my ass. Why WVU ahead of Florida? Because they’re pushes on offense and West Virginia, as far as we know, has at least one cornerback. That’s all. If Florida beats the huge, elephantine ears off Tuberville this weekend, then we’ll bounce them back up. Right now, a pass rush and ability to actually disrupt something the opposing offense differentiates the two, with Florida’s defense being a literal wall on the field: you can’t run into it, but you can certainly throw things over it at will. That’s going to asplode a-one of these games, and it may not the one you’re expecting at LSU, who hasn’t really thrown the ball at will…yet. Kentucky and Andre Woodson have us stocking up on the Bactine and aloe in advance, especially since Florida goes to Lexington.

Still gorilla/werewolf with chainsaw dick. USC’s a hair behind the Husqvarna-dicks in our mind. Cal gets the nod over Oregon pending this weekend’s result, since our readers have pointed out helpfully that Cal’s defense is actually stopping someone this year.

Respect Rutgers or die, motherfucker? When they beat someone of substance, they go into the top ten-as of now Mike Teel is second in the nation in passing efficiency, and he’s done this against harmless baby chick opponents. When he fights some bigass rooster of a team, they get in the henhouse. (Viva la agricultural metaphors!) Ditto for BC, who is just this close to getting in the top ten on Matt Ryan’s arm alone.

Other oddities, etc: Wisconsin has looked wobbly twice, but have actually beaten some people; Ohio State beat Washington, yes, but aside from being blinded by Jake Locker, the value of that and a Northwestern sacrifice lose out to Wisconsin’s more substantial conference win over Iowa. (Yes, even with palsied Balk-eye offense.)

More Big Ten revaluation with the rebirth of the Penn State absurdist offense and a huge plunge for them. Georgia bumps, Cocks droop, and we’re still unsure of how good Alabama is, so we hold a spot for them beneath awed-by-the-runway-and-lights Cincy. 20-24 is largely a muddle of high-scoring teams of dubious but sparkling record, and should be referred to as the 45 Point Block due to their habit of either scoring or giving up 45 points in every game.

Groh-mentum! We are not making this up. UVA gets the nod for being tied for the early lead in the ACC. Charisma, son, is for suckers and polygamists.

Alabama fans move slower in the long run-Fire [NAME REDACTED] went up in a matter of days following the ill-fated hiring of [NAME REDACTED] at Florida. However, for fast-twitch muscle fiber, no fanbase can rival that of the Crimson Tide’s: www.firecoachnicksaban.com went live on Sunday the 23rd, mere hours after the Tide lost to Georgia in overtime at Bryant-Denny Stadium in The Britney Game.

The site says “Nick’s middle initial is L. That stands for a ‘lil overrated.” This starts with an ‘A’, but we’re not the language police around here, or even the logic police. If you’d like to start off the site with loss one, then that’s your right, you proxy server lovin’ anonymous person, you. (Hey, at least we hide in plain sight.)

Just don’t accuse Georgia players of drinking Frappuccinos. That’s beyond the pale, really, especially when we guess Mark Richt, like most coaches, would drink weak Maxwell House from a clogged raingutter if he had to to get his caffeine fix. Sleep deprivation makes you surprisingly accommodating in the coffee department.

UPDATE! Mystery solved.

This week’s body count, going into week five. Rub some tussin in it, you’ll be fine.

The doctor thinks you should stop eating so much pickled herring in lye, frankly.

Important cock: out. Jasper Brinkley, ferocious linebacker for the South Carolina Gamecocks, sprained his right knee versus LSU and will need season-killing surgery to repair a torn ligament. Replacement value: high. Marvin Sapp, the second-leading tackler on the team last year.

Olson, Cowan, Olson. Ben Olson re-enters the starting position for the UCLA Bruins after starter Patrick Cowan suffered a partially torn MCL in his right knee versus Washington. Replacement value: eh, a push, really, given that Olson was the starter prior to being knocked silly in the Utah game and suffering from headaches and nausea afterwards. Insert obvious comment re: being a Bruin fan forced to play “Karl Dorrell’s Wheel of Unpredictable Pain/Pleasure.”

Suit up Tacopants! Chad Henne, hurt with a mysterious lower leg injury during the Oregon game, is close to coming back to the lineup for Michigan. How close? Who knows? Lloyd Carr protects injury information like they’re Chinese missile blueprints. Five sources were killed or are rotting in a Xinjiang gulag as we speak due to the acquiring of this information.

Meme cont’d: Suit up Gamblepants! Matt Flynn should get a surplus of rest this week with LSU playing Tulane, since his ankle is still bothering him, one of the factors leading to LSU’s run-heavy gameplan versus South Carolina. Replacement value: Ryan Perriloux, who will give you 3-2 odds on Flynn making it back in time for the Florida game. He’s got, you know, an inside source and all, man.

And one more mystery: The TCU Horned Frogs’ gifted defensive end Tommy Blake will miss the rest of the year on “a medical leave of absence.” Described preseason by Mack Brown as “as good as Julius Peppers,” Blake’s absence is a huge and (yes) odd one for the team: he left the team for personal reasons in August, came back, missed more playing time to medical issues, and has finally hung it up for 2007. Hmm.

And finally: Brandon Cox may miss his start against Florida due to heavy menstrual bleeding.* The only other injury on Auburn’s side will be the lingering injury to Quentin Groves, whose own massive balls hurt his back and general mobility six days of the week, but seem not to affect him on Saturdays.

*Egad, has Brandon Cox been terrible-we hear the worst of it from Auburn alum Cuddles, who’s exhausted his septic tank of profanities trying to accurately describe how bad he’s been. But that’s against every other team but Florida, where he’ll probably pull himself together and throw for 400 yards and five tds on us after we write that. That’s just the kind of jankety shit that always happens in Auburn/Florida games. Unlike Kyle, we don’t hate Auburn. But damnation on a shitstick do we hate playing them.