We must all learn from the example of the Oregon mascot, and that example is that when someone else wants to playfight, you need to put the -fight into the word with a capital WHAM, MOTHERFUCKER!

The only other possible explanation is that the mascoteer was high on PCP, believed they were really a duck, and that Shasta the Cougar really was a cougar. This would make total sense because Cougars would eat Ducks, and in case you didn’t know, ducks are mean as hell especially when threatened.

Though shame on Shasta for not putting up more of a fight. Houston brought us the Geto Boys and UGK, dammit-Bun B simply won’t stand for it. (Perhaps Shasta would have been tougher with a Paul Wall grill installed in this toothy grin.) Someone’s got to rep the 281, which is why the Duck will likely be shot sometime in the next month by someone zanked on purple drank in a Lincoln Navigator.

(HT: Larry Brown Sports, who points out that the Duck has been suspended.)

On the day when his chief sponsor, Frank Broyles, stepped down as the Athletic Director at Arkansas, our thoughts naturally turn to Houston Nutt, just as they do whenever we text message our mistress or run the ball 30 times in a row in NCAA 2008.

The third week of the season usually takes our football infection from drastic to epidemic level, what with Tennessee/Florida, USC/Nebraska, ND/UM in the repuS Bowl, and a treasure trove of other games going on this weekend. This slew of quality includes the most curious Arkansas/Alabama game, where new-look Bama goes up against Humanity Advanced (Darren McFadden), Felix Jones, and the handoff artist they call a quarterback.

It being the first real semi-national peek at Arkansas, questions abound. Will Bama’s defense hold as the Hogs undoubtedly run right at them upwards of fifty times in the game? Will the WildHog (neé le Wildcat) run havoc on a fledgling Saban defense? Will Major Applewhite’s new offense prosper in their first game against heavy-gauge SEC competition?

And most importantly…what the hell is Nutt saying in this photo ?

Be healed!
Five times! We’re only passing five times.
All the ladies over here say HOOOOOOOOAAAAHHHH
Guns will make us powerful; butter will only make us fat!!!

Leave your suggestions below.

Our analogy of LSU to a werewolf with a chainsaw for a penis has gained steam, albeit with some editing by users. From Paul Finebaum’s show yesterday:

MP3 File

It’s Hate week 3.0 on EDSBS, meaning that we play Tennessee on Saturday, and can’t sleep for the bloodrage we’re working up prior to the game. Join us and make INGSOC triumphant.

We give you chapter two of the Chairman’s manual with Reasons 1-25 Florida Rules and Tennessee Sucks Forever. Because they do, indeed, suck forever, sometimes as a football team, sometimes as a state, but most pleasingly to the Florida fan, when they suck together all at the same time in one sorrowful, audible slurp.

1. Tennessee is shaped like a parallelogram. Florida, however, is “America’s Wang.” And where would America be without its wang?

2. Florida great Steve Spurrier is a Volunteer State exile (Johnson City), meaning that the greatest coach ever born in Tennessee ran screaming from it the first chance he got, and never came back. There’s no humor there. It just really sucks for you, Vol fan, and makes us warm and happy inside.

3. Even after thirty years of government interdiction, Florida’s still putting the yayo on your glass coffee tables in piles, America. You’re welcome (sniff).

4. We gave you Creed in order to make you feel good about your own life in a fun way, as in “I’m not Scott Stapp, and that’s great, really.” Nashville gives you music to help you justify your sad, tobacco-stained penniless existence, prole…um, we mean ain’t it great scraping by on 22K with three kids in a place with terrible public schools! WOOOO!!! VOTE PAPPY FOR GUVNAH!!!

5. Our coach has won a championship in the 21st century. (more…)

If you’ve got warrants, don’t appear on camera or take a weekend job where you will appear on camera in front of millions. That’s our best advice to whomever is getting a custom escort from local authorities here following the South Carolina/Georgia games.

The image first surfaces at OnlineAthens and has gone viral on message boards, mostly because it seems to confirm what every one thinks about the SEC anyway, but it’s not what it seems. According to our source (yea! a veritable source!) the man is most likely one of the chain gang, an irony in itself, and not an SEC official. The chain gangs are hired by the schools hosting the games, so this is not-we repeat-NOT an SEC official being carted away immediately following a game.

Not that we haven’t supported that idea from time to time…(HT: Micah.)

Pants, dignity. On this we build our republic.

Overzealous coaching is something we understand. Stealing someone’s pants outside the bounds of a friendly prank is not. Curt McKinney, coach of the Cincinnati rec league Midwest Marauders, is a pants-stealing, batshit-crazy bastard, according to one Aucherae Washington, a 10 year old booted from practice for walking down a hill during sprint drills at the Marauders’ practice. The saga of a boy who lost his pants follows in brief (boxers, actually, but on with the story:)

The boy said his coach berated him in front of the other players.

“He wanted a pair of pants,” said neighbor Yvonne Workman. “He was upset, and he seemed like he was nervous and he didn’t know what to do.”

The coach has not been suspended because he has not been charged with a crime in the case, according to league officials. He should be, of course: the kid is ten years old, playing football for fun, and obviously mismatched with a zealot of a coach who stripped him of his dignity in front of his teammates before making him walk home pantsless at the age of ten. Remember that blogs are the little invisible words in between the lines of regular newsprint, and in this case, those words read: Oh my god, what a complete and utter waste of carbon this man is.

And if you don’t think everyone in life wants a little dignity and a pair of pants at the bare minimum…then you, sir, are not part of this man’s Republic of Awesome. Seek citizenship elsewhere.

HT: Odell51