THE EDSBS PIC OF THE DAY
It’s division one football! And division one football sucks for Colorado right now, as this young lady acknowledges following a missed kick by the Buffaloes in their 16-6 loss to Florida State Saturday night.
(HT: SKLM.)
September 18, 2025
BUYS AND SELLS, WEEK FOUR.
Delayed by events unforeseen to us…this week’s Buys and Sells with Orson and guest editor Hannibal Montegna. Enjoy.
Orson’s Buys
Shiny enough! BUY!
Ohio State. Sell based on challenge of tough road trip and little proven offense last week; buy based on demonstrated existence of offense and superb performance of defense against Washington’s tricky spread led by Pacific Time Zone Tebow Jake Locker and his little sprinting midget friend Louis Rankin. Like a rich man in the realm of dating, it is not necessary for Ohio State to be good at scoring to get dates; we only need know that they can actually find the right slot for tab A when they need to to put them on the buy list, so shiny are their pants and Tag Heuer watch.
Even teammates seemed shocked by Boeckman’s sudden and surprising good-ness:
“Oh, man, I was really surprised. I’ve never seen Todd like that,” Wells said of the 23-year-old junior replacement for Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith.
A ringing endorsement it is not, but it’s enough to put the IBM of college football back in the buy column. (Since the actual “Big Blue” is 1-2, its natural rival will have to suffice. That sound you hear are the scouring winds of infinity ripping through the fabric of reality. Pay them no mind.)
Kentucky. When Andre Woodson’s final bomb to Steve Johnson arced gracefully through a respectful audience of Louisville defenders, we thought to ourselves: my, that’s a great crowd. Really. (more…)
TEXAS PLAYER: “I WHOOPED THEM LAWYAZ.”
The Fulmer Cup remains an offseason venture only, which is too bad for the Texas Longhorns, who would be rolling in points following a purple drank-related arrest the other night and the fresher arrest of James Henry, who attempted to give snitchez stichez in retaliation for being implicated in a robbery.
Sometimes you just plate it up and go, fancy orchids carved from radishes and elaborate ramps be damned. (Gordon Ramsey says: WE’RE KILLING THE PRESENTATION PEOPLE I WILL RAPE YOU WITH A RHUBARB, PEOPLE!)
From the Statesman:
Police say that Joseph called Henry the next day from jail, and their conversation was recorded. In that call, police say, Henry told Joseph that he’d gone to the scene of the robbery and confronted witnesses. “I went over there and whooped all them niggas last night, fool,” Henry is quoted as saying in the recording, according to the arrest affidavit.
When police interviewed Henry and confronted him about the conversation, he admitted that he’d confronted the victims and gotten into a fight with them, the affidavit says.
The victims told police that Henry had come up to them and asked, “Who narked on us?”
They said that Henry tried to get into a fight with one of the men, 18-year-old Andre Swain, and told him, “Bitches deserve to get kicked, so that’s what I am going to do!” The witnesses said that Henry then kicked Swain six or seven times in the head and punched him repeatedly.
We don’t think the Longhorns need to replace anyone on defense, even with their recent problems. Looks like they’re doing just fine on pursuit, angles, and motivation. Texas defense! Bitches deserve to get kicked!
PLUG PLUG PLUG! THE ESPN GUIDE TO PSYCHO FAN BEHAVIOR
Introducing the first in at least one book project we’ll be involved in in our lifetime: The ESPN Guide To Psycho Fan Behavior. Lovingly crafted from the finest bits of endangered Indonesian hardwood trees, its pages contain untold depths and knowledge. Read it, and discover the secrets of:
-Fighting a Mascot
-Kidnapping a Mascot
-Ditching Family/Friends/Other Annoyances for Sport
-Surviving a Soccer Riot
-Proper Body Paint Application
-How to enlarge your Penis to SIZES UNSEEN IN THIS WORLD!!111!!!
-The proper way to light a couch on fire.
All of this and more awaits! So much can be said about the book, but the most relevant facts follow. One, each piece was written to occupy the exact time allotted for a single, average bowel movement, meaning that you can digest the book easily in the bathroom as you…um…digest. Two, it’s what you’re getting Dad or other male relatives for Christmas, since you’re all clueless as to what to get him, since all he really cares about are sports, his car, and perhaps his dog-just like you. Three, it’s funny. Seriously, the thing’s funny not only in content, but in that ESPN wrote us part of a check to write it.
And if that isn’t motivation enough…when thrown, blades fly from its side, turning it into a lethal self-defense weapon unstoppable to even the thickest of body armor. We swear this is true.
CONSUME, SLAVES!!! CONSUME!!!
WARM UP THE TRUCK.
EDSBS: Coach Carroll, you’re known for your innovative practice techniques. Explain a few of them to us.
Pete Carroll: Lemme just say that I’m jacked to talk with you, Orson. Just psyched and jacked and excited to do it.
EDSBS: Of course you are.
PC: Of course I am. We use a variety of techniques. I like to keep things hopping, so we move POP POP POP from drill to drill, emphasizing competition at every position. The best players play at USC, regardless of age. We compete. We drive. We win. That’s what we do.
EDSBS: And by drive you mean…
PC: We get the running backs to drive trucks during practice. Full-size Toyota Tundras, actually, the official truck of USC athletics. We’re jacked to have them on board with us.
EDSBS: You’re fucking with me, right? You’re totally fucking with me, Pete.
PC: Nope, no fucking with going on here. We line them up in the backfield, hand off through the window, and then have the running back place the ball in one of the Tundra’s ample cup holders. Seriously, those things will hold a pony keg of beer. Not that we endorse drinking pony kegs of beer while driving here at USC.
EDSBS: Of course not.
PC: But it keeps some of the wear and tear off our backs while encouraging our lineman to move quickly and make big holes for our backs at the same time.
EDSBS: And that means you have men going up against trucks. On the football field.
PC: Yeah, it’s awesome. Just awesome. Rey’s only totalled two this season, though. He’s hoping to get to four or five before the UCLA game.
EDSBS: And you haven’t lost a lineman to…um…being hit by a truck yet?
PC: Well, I’m not saying that! (Laughs.) But, you know: omelets, eggs. Only the fittest survive here at USC. We compete. And sometimes run over our lineman with the full force of a beautiful yet rugged 2008 Toyota Tundra full-size pickup.
EDSBS: And this…works?
PC: Oh, hell yes. Did you see what happened to Nebraska Saturday night?
