You’re going to watch it, anyway, you sick, sick person. However, like the informed observer you are, you’re going to watch and enjoy it thanks to our list of eight totally true things, since you’ve already decided not to go to the gym, spend time with your significant other, or remain sober tonight. Good for you, trooper!

8. Dennis Franchione is under so much pressure his teats leak condensed milk constantly. (This usually requires some firm pressure with a gloved hand. Food safety starts with you!)

7. Up to fifty thousand people to attend, the second largest gathering that night in Miami and the largest not involving muscular chickens with razors strapped to their ankles. Wait, there’s a Mets/Marlins game? Okay, third largest, and second largest without the death chickens, okay?

6. Stephen McGee, dual threat quarterback, finally embodies all that A&M fans truly want in a quarterback: tough, fast, able to run the option, and white.

5. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for immigration officials, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

4. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for DEA officers, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

3. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for Russian Tax Police, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

2. Kyle Wright is starting tonight, and will save the groundskeeping crew time and effort by trimming the grass one underthrown ball at a time.

1. 270 pound Jorvorskie Lane will score a diving touchdown. Sadly, the impact will shatter the limestone bedrock of Miami, spoiling the Florida Aquifer and making the city unsafe for human habitation. Unsurprisingly, no one living in Miami will notice this.

A definition:

A concussion occurs when the head hits or is hit by an object. A concussion can also occur when the brain is pushed against the skull with a strong force. In such cases, parts of the brain that control mental function may be damaged. The injured person may become disoriented (confused) and may briefly lose consciousness.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that about three hundred thousand people experience mild to moderate concussions each year as a result of sports injuries. Most of these people are men between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five.

See illustration 1.A below:

For more information, the Library of Congress recommends that you find your local Rey Maualuga. Anger him; this may be done by staring directly at him or at a picture of him, breathing oxygen in his vicinity, or even standing too closely to him in days that end in “y.” Then wait behind as many blockers as you like for desired results. He’ll find you.

(BTW: What in the hell is wrong with UCLA’s protections? Olson was sacked five times in the game against Utah. West coast offense short pass three step drop quick protect whaAAAA?)

Solon, our gambling columnist for the past two years, has retired. He walked away when the dealing was done…just as a gambler should.

The semi-retirement of EDSBS gambling columnist has us recruiting new talent. And when we say talent, we mean it: we’re looking for a degenerate gambler with a bloodlust for even the paltriest of bets. We’re looking for the following:

-Can type quickly.
-Knows college football
-”Knows” betting
-Knows what it’s like to lose possessions to creditors as a result of “knowing” betting
-Has a sense of humor, broad reference base, eclectic tastes, and ability to make point in two paragraphs or less.
-Is not currently incarcerated.
-Will likely not be incarcerated or at least sentenced until the end of bowl season.

If this sounds like you, email us at harumphharumph of the yahoo variety. We offer nothing but bunda pictures we pulled for free off the internet as compensation for a weekly column of picks for the week. We give you 3-1 you can’t resist the call of uncompensated work.

There are certain teams, coaches, and schools of thought in college football that treat any and all knowledge of their football team’s operations as covert, recondite secrets to be squirreled away, put under glass, protected by lasers, buried in the Chamber of Secrets and guarded by only the fiercest of trained attack weasels. This includes information on injuries, the playbook, the sum of the training facility’s waterbill, and the current brand of pants worn by the coach.

Look, I’m not going to talk about the pants. I’ll talk about injuries. But I won’t disclose the nature of the injury. Or whether exists. You ask me if it’s raining outside? Sure it’s raining. I can’t see a window, right now, but sure, you say it’s raining, then it’s raining. I’m still not talking about the pants. Or the window. Or rain. Next question.

This philosophy stems from two schools of coaching, as far as we can see: the Hayes/Schembechler “Screw the Bastards” Academy of Codgery Coaching, and the “Fuck the Bastards” Parcells/Belichick school of coaching, where coaches often do their best “Bartelby the Scrivener” impression (”I would prefer not to”) in the face of even the most innocuous of questions. The whole idea is that such information will give an edge to the opponent, even in the face of rampant evidence that being tightlipped and confrontational only gets you a.) more press for being a grumpus in the public eye, and b.) snickered at when Pete Carroll and Urban Meyer will happily fax you the entire playbook and injury list while you guard the buffet menu like the formula for aerosolized anthrax.

This week’s representative of the “Screw the Bastards” PR school is Les Miles, a Carr/Schembechler disciple who will talk specifically about injuries…as long as you’re using only his words in relation to said injury.

“I think if you would review your own personal stance at how you report injuries - if it comes out of my mouth you use it,” Miles said. “If it doesn’t, if you root for your team and if in fact this is your team, then you would choose not to report anything that doesn’t come out or described by me. I know that everything is news, but sometimes news doesn’t help your team. I would encourage you to see it my way. You should be respectful of the team that you cover.”

Coming next: mandatory purple and gold in the booth! (We point; we snicker.) Like Colbert said about the President to the Washington Press corps: your job is to write down what the president says, and then print it! Just put “coach” in for “president,” then repeat on a daily basis.

Fortunately, Miles has the gorilla with a chainsaw for a penis working for him right now. He can spray as much dumb as he likes from the pulpit, and his team will rip teams in half for him. Until they don’t, his Joan Crawford posturing (SHOW ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE!!!) will go giddily unnoticed. And with what they’ve got…that could be a while.

ps. Paranoia—it’s contagious!

Coach O’s a busy man. Zoom in once you click to see just how busy he can be.