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Army's hired a giant as a coach. A literal giant who'll have his men running forward to the line of scrimmage at the snap, if alumni grumbles are to be believed. 6'7", 295-pound Stan Brock now ranks as our second coach to get behind in a fight (number one being Rich Brooks, who looks every bit the savage old nut-ripper we imagine him to be. "Eyes and testicles--that's where you get 'em, boys!")

Army fans have complained of his only head coaching experience being a stint in the Arena League, but fail to realize anything constitutes an improvement over Bobby Ross, who has been dead since 1997 and played instead by veteran character actor Ned Beatty.

And Notre Dame's quarterback will be...Joe Theismann! Charlie Weis continues to fuel a non-story by non-divulging who his non-experienced new quarterback will be. By all reasonable guesses, it's Evan Sharpley. In our most delirious fantasies, he unveils a monkey with a helmet on at the press conference and dares Irish fans to criticize him before starting Sharpley anyway. (Marques Slocum would steal dat muthafucka and sell him!)

Watching Lou Holth take the obligatory "pro" side for the monkey should fuel your hypothetical theater machine for the morning.

Conquest Chronicles explains USC RB Chauncey Washington's injury. For USC news involving joint injuries, no one is more qualified than Jim. Seriously: he does this shit for a living.

Tennessee's playbook revealed! LWS has a brilliantly inventive Tecmo Bowlish version of the Tennessee playbook. It's not the Randy Sanders version, though, so it's missing the crucial "throw ten passes to the fullback" gameplan from the 2002 game. Troy Fleming was just one step away from breaking one of those for, oh, we don't know, at least another three yards.

LSU racking up Fulmer Cup points. You're still paling in comparison to Illinois, though a late arrest of Derrick Odom does net points we'll assess on Monday. But they're still trying...still livin' to win, baby.



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