FRIDAY MOMENT OF ZEN DOUBLESHOT
Have a great weekend!
April 27, 2025
PENN STATE CLAIMS LION’S SHARE OF FULMER CUP
Wait, wait. This is too metal for just any entry. We need…theme music for this update.
The charges in the long-awaited Penn State burglary/break-in/beatdown have come in, and they do not disappoint. The provisional score is simply indescribably large. If it were a tank battle of yore, it would be the battle of Kursk; if it were an ass, it would be the lab-created hybrid of Ki-Toy Johnson’s and Jessica Biel’s; if it were a food, it would be foie gras on toast points with a choice, dusty bottle of Bollinger.
The scores, so complex we had to crack out the rules just to make sure:
Anthony Scirrotto: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), two counts of criminal solicitation, simple assault (2 points) and harassment. (All misdemeanor charges, we think, totalling four points.)
Scirrotto’s total: eleven points
Chris Baker: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), simple assault (2 points), criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and harassment. (All misdemeanor, four points in all)
Baker’s total: eleven points.
Justin King, Jerome Hayes, Lydell Sargeant and Tyrell Sales: all charged with criminal trespassing, disorderly conduct and harassment. Misdemeanor total=12 points.
Felony trespassing gets three for being a felony charge, since pretty much any serious felony garners three points.
Holy hell: just back up and look at all that majesty. A single incident earns Penn State thirty-four points, the clear leader in the race for the Fulmer Cup. A score this big will no doubt fluctuate over time, but for the moment, Penn State is Lance Armstrong going up the Alpe d’Huez, and the rest of the field is Jan Ullrich desperately reaching for a vial of epo trying to catch up.
CORRECTION!!! As pointed out by several readers including Prof-fan, we undercounted by missing the felony bit on the four charged with trespassing. NEW TOTAL: 42 POINTS.
It’s…it’s an all-time high. We’re so overwhelmed that only Rita Coolidge can properly express our emotional state right now. (more…)
MEL KIPER JR. DRAFTS YOUR FAMILY
Mel Kiper Jr., longtime draft expert and ESPN commentator, believes your family provides very little in the way of serious, reliable draft talent.
“I’ve seen ‘em deep, and I’ve seen ‘em come shallow. But your family is among the worst I’ve seen,” said Kiper today in a video conference with you at 9:15 a.m. “It’s just not there, talent-wise. No skill players. No one with team spirit.”
Kiper gave the bigger picks a lookover. His expert breakdown follows.
Mom:
Mel’s Take: Lacks mobility-has lived in same place for thirty years, and “likes it just fine, thank you,” despite the fact that she’s forever falling down the stairs, complaining about the shitty local grocery stores, and the “shhhh…the Mexicans who keep moving in just down the street!” Not a team player, as she hands off the grandkids the instant they start crying and totally didn’t chip in for your college education. Her forty time is dismal.
Dad.
Mel’s Take: Serious character issues have many talking about this former first round pick not even getting drafted on the first day. That’s his Russian mistress in the photo. (more…)
FROGS WITH GUNS: TCU SHOWS HOW NOT TO BORROW A FRIEND’S GUN
We begin this tale with the facts involving two TCU players cited for misdemeanor weapons charges in Texas. A rent-a-cop named K.D. Willingham, moonlighting from his day job as a Ft. Worth police officer, approached Robert Leandro Henson, 21, and Stephen Eugene Hodge, 19, both players on TCU’s Horned Frogs football team. (HT: Tomek.)
From the superbly named Daily Skiff:
According to the police report, Willingham saw Henson holding a black handgun. Henson handed the gun to Hodge, according to the report, who “raised the firearm into the air and fired several rounds.” Willingham then identified himself as a Fort Worth police officer, pointed a shotgun at Hodge and told him to put the gun down, according to the report.
The conversation had to go something like this.
Henson: Whew, I’m tired, man.
Hodge: Yeah. Beat. Hey, what’s that?
Henson: My new nine. Wanna see it?
Hodge: Sure. (Takes gun) Is it loaded?
Henson: Nah, man. I’m not dumb, right?
Hodge: So I could take it like this and just (BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM)
Officer: FREEZE!!! POLICE!!!
Hodge: Um, you were wrong. That gun was loaded.
Henson: Shit.
Stop hatin’, five-oh. Those bullets go straight into space.
The Horned Frogs are assessed two points for the incident, as this is Texas and wantonly discharging a firearm seems to belong in a class of crimes loosely classified as “party gone out of bounds.” Henson did, however, have three outstanding Class C warrants at the time of his arrest, so perhaps a bonus point for stupidity is in order? Sure. Bonus point plus two for Kenneth Tookes Target Practice = three total for TCU, making their entry into Fulmer Cup 2007.
Addendum: don’t laugh! When frogs and guns meet, people get hurt.
FRIDAY CHEESECAKE
Brought to you by the Latin Billboard Awards in sunny Coral Gables, Florida.
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