It doesn’t even require captioning now, does it?

Just…we won’t even try to comment anymore. (HT: Deadspin.)

The man asking the question-a.k.a. Pork Rind Jimmy-looks a lot like Gimli from Lord of the Rings, if Gimli listened to Drowning Pool and worked in a Fayetteville area Radio Shack.

A dwarf accepts no lies about your text messages!

If and when you decide to really, really end that pesky feud you’ve been having with a teammate, be sure to follow these simple rules.

1. Always bring enough ammo and guns.
2. Use the element of surprise.
3. Make sure you know exactly where you’re going before, during, and after.

Score two out of three for Toledo’s Richard Davis, who showed up to really, totally, and completely end a running dispute with a teammate at 4:30 a.m. last Thursday. He had the element of surprise by showing up early-check. Adequate firepower? Check-Davis not only had a handgun in his car, but had a shotgun he’d leaned against the side of the house for…well, in case he had to really make his point.

Showing up at the right place? Hmm…UNcheck. (HT: DevilGrad.)

The incident started around 4:30am on Thursday. Police say Deputy Vincent Scott was awakened by the sound of his doorbell ringing repeatedly, and the sound of somebody turning the doorknob. Scott armed himself with his service weapon, and went out the back door and confronted Davis.

He kept Davis at gunpoint, and called 911.

Wrong door, sir.

That’s a football player showing up at the wrong door, which just happened to belong to a very sleepy and armed sheriff’s deputy. For stumbling facefirst into divine justice, Davis was arrested and charged with attempted aggravated burglary, a three point offense we’ll give a “divinely dumb” bonus of a point on for a total of 4 points.

Dibs on him for the Wonderlic draft! We called it first!

Sure, it’s up on Deadspin and everywhere else-but does it have this piece of amateurish photoshop preceding it? Claro que no!

This time, the matron of the Hawg ranch makes her own dramatic entry into this episode of the Chronicas. (On a white horse? Or gliding into the room imperiously in a hoop skirt? Or on a horse wearing a hoop skirt? Something like that.) She allegedly penned this letter! Which is full of AMAZING things and excessive? punctuation! and CAPITALIZATION.

A particularly interesting excerpt:

The “haters” North of us have their armies busy 24-7, attacking us and constantly blindsiding us every chance they can.

Diana Nutt is now using the word “haters” in a casual sense, meaning that rappers such as Young Jeezy and Dem Franchise Boyz can now march under the same linguistic banner as the wife of an SEC football coach. It’s clear to us now that the lexicon of common American English is being created in a tag team effort between a crack dealer on a Memphis street corner and a management consultant in Connecticut.

Read! the whole THING here.

Give points to the “boycott the Rose Bowl” people for audacity: the notion of voluntarily killing Keith Jackson with an act of consumer disobedience is both cruel and bold. Jackson can breathe easy, however, since no one in their right mind will boycott a game to force a playoff. All they need is time, patience, and a deep well of forgiveness for the suited monkeys who, in setting the whole system up, will undoubtedly botch the whole process, leaving a pile of banana peels, cash, and smoldering wreckage.

Think less “stately formation of the United Nations,” and more of a “Pizarro kidnaps Atahualpa” scenario, and you’ve got the right image.

Playoff negotiations: monkey fight!

Because that you can count on: incompetence, greed, and a complete lack of order to the process of setting up college football’s inevitable playoff. (That’s a given here. If you can’t accept that as a premise, we label you a football creationist. There’s a pile of dinosaur bones over there that the Devil left in the ground to confuse you.) (more…)