This week’s Fulmer Cup Board, courtesy of reader Brian. Addenda and corrections follow:

Notes, apologies, corrections, pleas for help…

Toledo possibly needs their points shaved…since the point shaving charges against them are “on hold” according to investigators. It’s unknown whether this is fishing for an immunity/plea bargain thingy to pursue the ringleaders of the points-shaving scandal at Toledo or just legal futzing around. For the purposes of Fulmer Cup scoring, we’ll hold them until something more definitive comes out regarding the case.

You don’t disrespect the roller rink without consequences. Arky State booms in the polls due to a parking lot brawl at a roller skating rink. They earned the points fair and square, but as someone with deep, lovely memories of rocking out to “Lookin’ At the Front Door” while clumsily bounce-skating, the penalty for violating the sanctity of a roller rink seems paltry.

LSU, up like Lexington Steele. With Illinois so far out as a result of the work of two very, very active “acquisition experts,” we’re resorting to NASCAR-style announcing and hyping the second and third place spots as “the real race.”

LSU has made impressive strides to climb to nine points. Florida and Michigan are in a duel for second place with no real challengers besides the Bayou Bengals. The lone rogue wave here could be the Penn State burglary case, which may or may not yield huge points for the Nittany Lions. We’ve given up on actually seeing any points from that or the Cory Boyd gun-waving case out of South Carolina.

Dennis? Where the Sun Devils are in all this is beyond us. Perhaps it takes a few months for Dennis Erickson’s mojo to spread around campus, but in a place with porn stars on campus and a reputation as being a Sodom and Gomorrah with financial aid, ASU’s absence seems very strange to us.

Florida International University has in its brief football history accomplished one thing: fielding the baddest ass brawler ever, the indomitable A’Mod Ned, who took the field in the middle of the 2006 Lamar Thomas Invitational Brawl on crutches to get his teammate’s back.

Florida International has now added a new line to their resume as a program of esteem and worth: putting on the greatest single spread of pork seen in South Florida since Connie Mack the third was in office. From El Herald:

The ambience — which included complimentary food featuring six roasted pigs, a sale of retro FIU athletic uniforms and gear and the unveiling of the new football stadium design — didn’t disappoint the crowd.

”I have never seen an atmosphere like this at any previous FIU event with the exception of the inaugural football game in 2002,” FIU radio broadcaster Jerry Del Castillo said. “These fans are really soaking up the changes to this football program.”

Hold on…let’s crack out the red pen, Deadspin commenter-style.

“‘These fans are really soaking up the changes to this football program all the greasy, delicious, heart-destroying porkfat they possibly can in 25 minutes without foundering like sick mules.‘”

There! So much better, and likely more accurate. Free pig and all, FIU turned out just 2,500 for their spring scrimmage, approximately the same number as those who volunteered to die if necessary to make Nick Saban the next governor of Alabama that same afternoon on Saturday in Tuscaloosa, bayonets and tear gas be damned.

Notre Dame’s Blue and Gold Game ended without Jimmy Clausen winning a Heisman trophy. Corwin Brown’s defense hogged the spotlight as honorary coaches Lou Holth and Ara Parseghian presided over a retro ND affair, a 10-6 victory for the Gold team over the hated, hated Blue.

Ara: on the sidelines for the Blue and Gold Game, and almost caught a pass from Jimmy Clausen. If he had, he would have turned into a unicorn made of money, because that’s what Jimmy Clausen’s passes do.

No quarterback emerged from the four-way race for the starting gig, though Evan Sharpley did go 5-7 for 31 yards, a total that put him slightly on top on a day when Weis wanted to focus on toughening up what he called a soft offense. Sharpley also racked up negative 39 yards in sack yardage, putting him at 8 under and just ahead of Vijay Singh going into the back nine.

Given spring games and the dichotomies inherent in playing a game against yourself, the trends are clear:

1. Notre Dame’s offense is going to suck, suck, suck/ Notre Dame’s 3-4 is going to baffle people, especially in an improved secondary.

2. The run game is going to be the emphasis of the offense/ The quarterbacks could not complete an outlet pass to a stickum-handed troll wearing flashing neon gloves.

3. Ty Willingham’s name will be brought up in wrathful terms every time an onrushing defender knocks a year off the quarterback’s life. Some certainties never change.

The real winner of this year’s scrimmage: Mike of Fire Mark May, who won the slapbet with Brian of House Rock Built and took his prize on camera for your viewing pleasure.

Another great passes from this mortal coil: Boris Yeltsin, dead today at the age of 76.

We present this somber tribute to a man who guided Mother Russia through a time of turmoil and transition, a warrior-poet, a mercurial man of the people, a lover, a fighter…a dancer of life’s rhythms, if you will.

Drinking one for you tonight Boris. Or eight. Yes, eight. That’s a more appropriate tribute by far.

ADDENDUM: Clinton official Strobe Talbott recalls one of Yeltsin’s trashed-ass escapades. Remember that this man had launch codes to a moldering nuclear arsenal that could have incinerated the world in extremely unpredictable fashion:

As Yeltsin emerged from the plane at Andrews Air Force Base and made his way down the mobile stairs, he was gripping the railing and concentrating on each step. His handlers did their best to block the view of the cameras recording his descent. He slipped on the last step and had to grab his wife’s arm. That night at Blair House, Yeltsin was roaring drunk, lurching from room to room in his undershorts. At one point, he stumbled downstairs and accosted a Secret Service agent, who managed to persuade him to go back upstairs and return to the care of his own bodyguards. Yeltsin reappeared briefly on the landing, demanding, “Pizza! Pizza!” Finally, his security agents took him firmly by the arms and marched him briskly around in an effort to calm him down.

PIZZA! PIZZA!

The most enthusiastic responders to our call for spring practice/game reports came from none other than the Ohio State Buckeyes camp, showing that they either hold no hard feelings towards us after the national title game, or think they actually have to obey our orders as a condition of the loss. If it’s the latter, please donate a thousand dollars each to the EDSBS Paypal account NOW SERFS NOW!!!

The first, from Buckeye Dan:

It’s late April in Columbus, so that means it’s time for the annual spring game. Rosters are checked to see who the walk-on scrub who just lost 5 yards was, concessions are expensive, and no conclusions of any value can be drawn. Woo spring!

Questions heading in: Who will replace Troy Smith? How will a new wide receivers corps adjust to this new, unknown quarterback? Will Mike Conley call anything involving an iso block?

The answers leaving: Not Rob Schoenhoft. God, he sucks. Think “Sexy Rexy,” but without the talent. Fuck it. He’s throwing downfield, and by God, it will leave his hand at mach 8.

Fuck it, he’s going deep.

Antonio Henton, the redshirt freshman drawing Troy Smith comparisons is, well, young. He’s showing the ability to make accurate throws, but if his first option isn’t there immediately, he’s taking off. He looks good doing it, but he needs to learn patience, not unlike Mr. Smith himself, many moons ago.

Todd Boeckman has the job as of right now. He’s been in the system for eleventy billion years. I think he and Greg Oden’s grandkids play together at day care. (more…)

If you were to attempt the wave at your spring game, after great effort you might get a feeble ripple going two-thirds of the way around the stadium before it petered out in the bald patch of seats in the north endzone. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to get a good 30K to your game.

The wave at Alabama’s spring game looks like this:

Ninety-five! I tooooooooooold yuh! The guy overheard in the video overshoots the actual attendance number by a bit less than three thousand: 92,138 fans showed up to A-Day, Alabama’s spring game, this past Saturday. (Alabama, math, insert joke here.) And look around the stands-these weren’t ne’er-do-wells and collegians loafing in the sun for free and paying lackadaisical attention to the events on the field. There’s grown-ass men in full Alabama garb who likely brought the barbecue, the Direct TV dish, the backup mustache…the whole kit and caboodle.

This was no accident, people. Todd Jones of Roll Bama Roll talked to us on Saturday Night immediately after the game, sounding sun-blasted, tired, and quite happy despite the crowd making more news than the vanilla offense/defense on display on the field.

MP3 File

One thing mentioned in the interview we’ll repeat here is that Saban made fashion news by bringing starchy back to the SEC, appearing in the sweltering heat wearing a grey suit and red tie. We heartily encourage this move toward more idiosyncratic vintage coaching wear, especially because it means Urban’s going to be coaching in Bike-brand coach shorts, high white socks, and wearing Woody Hayes horn rims with a shiny metal whistle around his neck if the trend continues. And that would rule.