July 17, 2025

IN MEMORIAM: ROBERT BROOKS

Robert Brooks, chairman of the Hooters restaurant chain, was found dead in his home yesterday. While we can’t say that we know Mr. Brooks personally, it’s safe to say many good college football fans will shed a tear in their beer for him. Who among us can say they’ve not indulged in the extra-gratuitous use of a Saturday to: 1) consume copious amounts of alcohol and buffalo wings, while 2) taking in unhealthy amounts of college football, while 3) ogling at underdressed women?

Yep, us too.

And Every Day Should Be Saturday is nothing if not irreverent… and since neither PWD, nor SMQ, nor myself care to catch a flogging from Orson when he returns, we won’t pass this opportunity to provide the loyal readership with a photo of all that Mr. Brooks came to represent.

We salute you, Robert Brooks.

AUBURN PROF: NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND!

Mere days after blowing up his university’s athletic department, sociology department and general academic integrity in the pages of the most widely read and influential newspaper in the country, Auburn professor James Gundlach told a university investigative committee and The Huntsville Times Sunday the whistleblowin’ scene is, like, dead, man:

“The committee has been in touch with me asking to meet with them tomorrow,” Gundlach said Sunday in an interview with The Hunts-ville Times. “I e-mailed them and said my cooperation with them is over.”

Gundlach said he made his decision after reading a report in Friday’s Huntsville Times that administration officials said he was motivated, at least in part, to make his allegations in a story released Thursday by The New York Times because he was passed over when Petee, a criminology professor, was promoted in 2002.

Gundlach said Sunday he never wanted the job and never told university officials he did.

“The only university officials I’ve talked to about this since the (New York) Times reporter first appeared on campus are two members of the committee that is supposed to investigate,” Gundlach said. “I remember, at one time in that meeting, one of the two people asked me if I had supported Petee when he ran for chair. I said no, and we moved on.

“What seems to me is that somehow information from that got passed on somehow or someway to people that certainly shouldn’t have been talking to you about what I said at that meeting. They are saying no talking until it is quiet, but apparently somebody on that committee and other people at the university saw fit to use that to, in effect, discredit me.

“It’s a total falsehood. The only contested office I ran for was director of sociology, and I won that. There are no sour grapes here. It was a total fabrication.”

Though the controversy has swirled around football players who took so-called “direct reading” or “directed study” courses under Petee, Gundlach said his main motivation was that Petee is “unfit as a department administrator.”

“I have never said this was something that was done specifically for athletes,” Gundlach said. “My concern was that the athletes were something that was going to call attention to it and lead to embarrassing situations. If the athletes weren’t there, nobody would care.

Since I’ve been thinking about the athletic rules and other such things, it is clear that everything Petee did for athletes was also available for other students. In terms of the letter of NCAA regulations, there are probably no problems.”
(emphasis added)

Gundlach’s retiring soon, and, man, is he burning bridges with everybody. Good thing he thought about “the athletic rules and other such thingsbefore he took it someplace like The New York Times. Wait, what? Oh.

This news es goot, veddy goot for the university and athletic department, as their accusor is essentially admitting he succumbed to professional and personal motivations of the petty academic ego. He was pissed at his boss.

Initially, that anger seemed justifiable and born of integrity. Now, he’s backtracking, ex-players are falling over each other to deny his charges and major schools everywhere hold their breath hoping this case becomes one of personal animosity and blows on over (check your media guides and programs for player majors, fans - odds are they’re clustered in one or two fields. At Southern Miss, it was Coaching and Athletic Administration, where a disproportionate number of athletes actually makes sense, and Criminal Justice). This one’s already going overboard on ambiguity and conjecture, and getting stickier fast.

THE GRAMMYS OF SPORT, OR, GUYS UPON WHOM TO KEEP YOUR EYES

Normally, I’d never watch the ESPYs, an award show made completely redundant by the fact that every sport already hands out individual awards – what, exactly, is the difference between the Worldwide Leader’s College Football Player of the Year and the Heisman Trophy? The answer, of course, is none: Reggie Bush won both, because the Disney-ABC-ESPN mega-sportstainment conglomerate – whether it actually casts the votes or not – ultimately make the decisions for voters based on which highlights it decides to show and which players it decides to fawn over and over-expose via the most horrible possible music and (oft-thumped Heisman voter Stewart Mandel, who presumably actually watches enough football to deserve a voice in choosing the MOCFPITN, makes a good point along these lines in an interview last week with the also oft-thumped – by me - Heisman Pundit, and also has a reasonable solution: fewer, better-informed voters). And “Best Moment,” you know, must be the autistic kid raining basically uncontested threes - you cannot argue against that moment as the best, even if, say, your team won its first World Series in 89 years or you were moved by Adam Morrison’s genuine reaction when his team blew its big lead to UCLA in the NCAA Tournament or were roused, simultaneously with three friends, out of your seat, screaming “Oh my God!” when the ball suddenly popped out of Jerome Bettis’ grasp on the goal line at the end of a playoff game. Those emotions did not measure up.

Anyway, when you’re getting smacked in pool in a bar during a weekend stop in New Orleans, you’ll watch even the darndest tape-delayed corporate schmooze-fests, ”">risque” jokes and extended in-show commercials be damned. Oh, Neil Armstrong is Lance Armstrong’s dad? Ho ho. Wait, what, not really? And you mean the guy in the spacesuit’s not really Neil…oh, you’re good, ESPN. You are on top of your game. Matt Leinart takes home a mantelpiece for his role in a game ? He is one lucky man, I’ll tell you what. Even when he loses, he wins!

My real dad abandoned me when I was two.

As long as we’re in the spirit of sports-awarding, with which various postseason college football awards have been bestowing strapped media relations offices throughout the later stages of the offseason draught in the form of miles-long preseason “watch lists” including virtually every returning starter in the nation at the appropriate position(s), I’d like to trot out my own preseason “watch list” for awards I’ll give out over at SMQ in December. A few of you (like, two) may remember a couple of these from SMQ’s all-America team at the end of last season, which was unfortunately deleted for technical, non-content-related purposes. There are some new ones, too, with last year’s winners noted where appropriate:
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PEPIDEMIOLOGY: CHAPTER ONE REDUX

In Orson’s absence I decided to recycle some of my favorite old stuff of his since we bearly had any readers at the time. This one is from May of last year and I hope the links still work. Like the old NBC summer slogan used to say, even if it isn’t new, it’s new to you!

We begin chapter one of our lessons and investigations of Pepidemiology, the science of Pep and fandom in college football, with a brief overview of the most basic element of Pepidemiology, the fight song.

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BILL CALLAHAN, GERRYMANDERER!

It’s not just Nebraska football that’s hoping for a new look these days (and yes, by new look I do mean fielding a nationally relevant football team). No, the whole state may be in for a change if new Recruiting Coordinator Shawn Watson has his way.

From the Omaha World-Herald:

Take a map of the central United States and stick your finger on Nebraska’s capital city. Measure 500 miles in each direction. The resulting circle includes population centers such as Denver, Kansas City, Minneapolis, St. Louis and Oklahoma City. Shawn Watson has a name for this area. He calls it the “state of Nebraska football.”

The new state of Nebraska!

Oh, and what a state it would be. Besides the inevitable boom in football recruiting for the Huskers, can you imagine the political elections as bumbling corn farmers argue with hockey-playing Minneapolites? The late Paul Welstone and Tom Coburn in a UFC battle/debate? The potential for fun is endless.

Of course, while gerrymandering is easier than ever these days, we do think we have an easier solution for Nebraska: Win a few football games. It’s not like the Big 12 North isn’t there for the taking.

-PB-

CAN’T BEAR HACKNEYED STORIES… MUST START SEASON

The off-season is long… too long. And every year you can count on the time being passed by sports writers in a few tried and true ways like passing off recycled story lines as fresh and new. By July, we simply cannot bear to read them any longer. The tipping point for us this season is the “alternative training methods” storyline. You know the one, the one about football players doing something allegedly different and innovative in conditioning. Is it martial arts this time? Or pilates? What about capoeira? This season apparently LSU is doing yoga? Wow. That is just crazy enough to work… just ask Chan Gailey. Didn’t we see something about those wacky cajuns doing Jujutsu on the world-wide leader two or three years ago? Can’t the season just start already?

Instead of collapsing against Tennesee this year, LSU will find their center at half time doing the tree.

12 STEPS TO GETTING THROUGH THE OFFSEASON

Although part of me will always know that abstinence makes the liver grow sober, if college football was played year-round, I probably wouldn’t love it as much (because I’d be dead from Cirrhosis). But that doesn’t make the eight long months between football seasons any less painful, nor does it make them go by any quicker.

Are you like me? Does it burn when you pee? Whoops, I mean are you addicted to College Football, too? Do you cry yourself to sleep every night burying your face in a moldy seat cushion? Did you make inappropriate advances on the postman when your Rose Bowl DVD arrived? Or do you ever find yourself dressing up donning an oversized mascot head and screaming “Not so fast, my friend!”? If so, apologize to all football fans no more my Fall Saturday disciple, because you are not alone. For I have come up with a tried and true 12-step program to help all of us football addicts survive the bitter college football off-season.

For purposes of anonymity and to avoid getting sued by A&M, who apparently copyrighted the number 12, I have chosen to call my program…

“Footballaholics Anonymous”

1. Around the end of January, when the tremors start, admit that you are powerless over college football and give every penny from your IRS tax return to the local athletic department so that you can keep your same season football tickets for next year. Sure, it’s legalized extortion, but it is tax deductible and Women’s Lacrosse really does need your love, people.

2. As Ash Wednesday approaches, come to believe that a power greater than college football will restore you to sanity. Of course if God’s too busy helping Buck Burnette decide what college to attend, you can always do what I do and grab your Scully Day Planner or Palm Pilot and fill in next season’s football schedule. Try it, I think you’ll find it quite therapeutic.

3. On April 1st, make a decision to attend the spring game but not get so drunk that you miss Easter Vigil. I know the spring game looks like an oasis in the vast desert known as baseball season, but it’s not, it’s just a mirage. Sure, you may get a few player’s signatures on your Kelly T-Bar Pop Warner helmet, but think how empty you’ll feel inside when you’re forced to sell it on eBay so you can afford your meds.

4. Spring cleaning time is almost over, so make an inventory of all your college paraphernalia. I know you have the Nike Coin Toss Game Day Coaches Shirt in both home and away versions. You may even own the Nike Quick Count Mock T with wicking agent. But do you have the Nike Cover-2 Jock Strap or Nike Dri-Fit Cufflinks or even the Nike Two-Minute Drill Throat Slash Ascot? If you don’t merchandize, you can’t accessorize. Do not underestimate the importance of this.

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YOGA, CHIROPRACTORS AND PRO WRESTLERS

Chan Gailey, known across the college football landscape as an innovator without peer the pinnacle of mediocre, feels like he’s finally found a way to take Georgia Tech out of 7 win purgatory. What’s his secret? Is it a new weight training program? Is it a revolutionary team building retreat? Is it learning from the best offensive minds in the country?

No. Gailey has turned to a Chiropractor turned Yoga instructor and his business partner a strip club owner turned pro wrestler turned Yoga Guru named Diamond Dallas Page to unlock Tech potential. The Atlanta Journal tips us off.

Frankly, Tech would’ve been better served bringing Sesame Street’s “The Count” in to lead seminars on counting to Four. At least a visit from The Count wouldn’t have involved such classic motivational bulletin board lines as….”Do you own Notre Dame or what? and “I know you’re going to kick Notre Dame’s ass!” As if Reggie Ball vs. Brady Quinn wasn’t problem enough for the Yellow Jackets. Now they’re making sure the Irish don’t take them lightly.
“Hey, guys, Notre Dame’s not doing this,” the Yoga Doc declares. Yeah…no kidding Doc.

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