Roster name: Lou Ferrigno, Jr.
Position: LB.
School: USC Trojans.
(Obvious, dated, horrible joke in 3…2…1…)
Roster Photo: Unavailable. Hmm…(HT: Loren)
You got spaghetti arms, Lou Jr.! And if you get that quote, you’ve totally seen Pumping Iron, and are wondering why you’re working right now and not doing seven sets of calf raises with Franco Columbu on your back.
In our ongoing quest to become Official Curator of College Football Crap, we’ve been making efforts (read: at least two emails a week) trying to preserve and track down coaches’ television ads and immortalize them via YouTube.
We’ve found some, though some other notables have eluded us thus far. Our top five most wanted list includes:
5. Joe Paterno’s ads for Milano bread.
4. Tommy Tuberville’s “Smells Like Victory” ads for Opelika-area Krogers.
3. Urban Meyer shilling for anything, since he’s got the delivery of a guy with Guillain-Barre’s syndrome.
2. Alvin Wyatt, the wielder of the mighty Bethune-Cookman Wyattbone, selling anything at all.
Alvin could sell thimbles to the thumbless looking as sexy as that.
1. The Bear Bryant Southern Bell Commercial. This is truly the white whale of coaching ads-so good as to be potentially apocryphal, in fact, though we’re pretty sure it actually aired a few times. Bryant looks at the camera and, in a moment of complete and visibly emotional improv from the script, says “Call your Mama. I wish I could.” The mention of this ad alone just made grown men from Mobile to Huntsville break down in gusting tears and drive their trucks off the road.
One quality lode we have found are Great Southern Wood’s ads with the fat guy in the yellow hat (properly known as Jimmy Rane.) TFGITYH has been a fixture of college football broadcasts for over 15 years now, a plush, fleshy fanboy for multiple generations of Auburn coaches and other SEC dons. He also allegedly paid for the right to address his beloved Auburn Tigers pregame in the lockerroom once and broke down blubbering to a confused audience of players wondering “Isn’t that TFGITYH? And how the hell did he get his ass in here?”
The highlights from Yellawood’s Flash-only, non-Youtubing site:
-Jim Donnan judging a beauty contest, which is kind of like having Bob Huggins as your AA sponsor, looking as always as if he slept under that old rowboat in your backyard last night.
-Pat Dye building a fence across the goal line at Jerrrrdan-Hare. (Alabama fans just used Rory Turner for the same purpose-cheaper, and infinitely quotable.)
-One of the top ten most grizzled men in history, Gene Stallings, doing an admirable job as pitchman while looking at TFGITYH like he’s three seconds from shooting him and leaving him the in woods.
Watch ‘em all here.
Gene Stallings would totally love to shoot your fat ass and leave you in the woods.
In an attempt to boost flagging sales, Wendy’s is rolling out an entire line of regionally-themed foodstuffs appealing to the sports fan’s need for premature death in a convenient, hand-held form. The first of these will be the “Brutus Buckeye” burger marketed in Ohio:
The burger — available at 125 central Ohio restaurants — will feature a quarter pound of beef, sweet relish, mustard relish, tomatoes, bacon, lettuce, onion and American cheese on a roll.
Doesn’t seem to have enough “punch” for the school that Woody Hayes built, but it seems innocuous enough. (HT: CFR.)The spokesman for Wendy’s also mentioned that they were looking for other product ideas, which we’re more than happy to give them for free. Take ‘em all on the house, burger boys:
-”The Solich,” available in the Athens, Ohio area only. An all beef patty, salsa, sauteed red and green peppers, and Tio Pepe’s “special sauce” available over the counter in most Juarez pharmacies. Do not consume while driving.
I do not recall eating a sandwich of that nature, sir.
-”The Fulmer Wollongong Whomper,” a concept marketed by Outback in the East Tennessee market. Features three whopping pounds of ground kangaroo meat held together by baling wire and ostrich eggs, grilled for ten minutes to sear the outside while leaving the interior cold, raw, and delicious, if not in accordance with public health standards. Served on a frosted red velvet cake cut in half and topped with a shovelful of cheese fries and beef jerky slaw, and is accompanied by a generous helping of special whiskey/ranch dipping shots to fire down the hatch in between bites. Bonzer!
-”The Paterno Salerno Special.” According to Paterno, “eh, it’s some kind of sandwich. Not sure. I bet it’s good though. Me, I stick to soup and salads, ’cause sandwiches will plug you right up, and at my age the plumbers for that kind of clogged drain are mighty expensive, you know. But yeah, it’s a sandwich with something in it. Pretty sure of that much.”
-”The Trojan ‘05 Legacy Club Sandwich, Sponsored by ESPN. ” IS IT THE GREATEST SANDWICH OF ALL TIME? IF THE SANDWICH FACED THE 1948 ARMY TEAM WOULD THE TROJANS ONLY BEAT THEM BY EIGHT THOUSAND POINTS? WHAT ABOUT THE LEGACY CLUB VS. A 1992 MCRIB AND THE ‘94 HUSKERS’ BLACKSHIRT DEFENSE? WHY IS THE LEGACY CLUB HAPPY TO HAVE SKIPPED THE NFL DRAFT AND RETURNED FOR ONE MORE SEASON? AND HOW DOES ITS LEGENDARY MUSTARD STAY SO TANGY? AVAILABLE ONLY IN BRISTOL CONNECTICUT!!!
Could not respect your legendary mustard less.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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