Good morning. I’m here to tell you why I should be the next coach at UCLA, but first, I’d like each of you to look under your seats. Everyone looking?

Yep. That’s forty dollars. Forty whole dollars for each of you, amigos. I can’t tell you what to do with it, but I do want you all to know that you should take it as a sign of great seriousness and commitment on my part that I came here with forty dollars for each of you, and taped it to the underside of your chairs pre-meeting, and am now telling you: there’s plenty more where that came from, amigos, if you’re prepared to get serious about this coaching thing.

I am. In fact, I’ll just cut the bullshit and get down to the x’s and o’s of this thing: Rick Neuheisel will personally tape forty dollars to the underside of your chair every day if you’ll hire him as UCLA football coach, Monday through Friday. Think about that for a minute. That’s $10,400 dollars a year, all cash, all on the DL, and all between you and me, friends.

Think: it’s extra money around town, it’s a posh weekend in Vegas, including a hooker! Or something to toss at the old lady when she gets mad at you for blowing all your cash on recruits. That’s cool here, right? Just giving the kids a little something for their effort, right? Cool, I’ll take the silence as an indicator we’re all on the same page.

I could bore you with all the x’s and o’s, but I’d rather you just focus on the fact that Uncle Ricky’s gonna make it rain around here. That’s right, I’m down with it. If Pete Carroll’s out handing his phone number out to teens shooting craps in the alley…well, I’ll be the one running the craps game in the alley, friends.

So consider the resume, friends. Two Jacksons and one proven winner are waiting on you.