This year’s BCS game will feature local man Ted Warburton versus eight live dingoes, according to SEC commisioner Mike Slive in a press conference last night announcing the participants for this year’s BCS title game.
“At no point in the history of the BCS have we had more interest in the BCS, and I can safely and confidently say that at no point in the history of the game have we put together a more compelling matchup than Mr. Warburton versus this fine team of mad, crazed dingoes.”
Warburton, a copywriter for a large local utility company, seemed as surprised as the rest of the country that the college football season would come down to this. That it would involve him at all was doubly surprising for the the 34 year-old University of North Carolina graduate.
“I mean, it should have come down to a one-loss Kansas team, or even a two-loss Georgia team. There’s no rule that you have to win your conference championship, right? Mark Richt said as much in his press conference yesterday. Or even, if you’re so fascinated with the difference between no, one, and two losses, well…you could have had Hawaii in there, man.”
“Plus, I don’t know how putting me on a field with eight dingoes proves anything. I don’t have a wife and kids, but I do have a cat, and she’ll need to be fed if anything happens to me. The money’s nice, but it’s a lot of risk to take. Plus, it’s not really a football game, is it?”
Big East commish and BCS tycoon Mike Tranghese downplayed the clamor of complaints and criticisms surrounding the choice of Warburton versus dingo for the game.
“What we put on is a heckuva show, people, and that’s what we’re going to give the viewing public who tune in to this game. It’s been a topsy-turvy year in college football, and what better way to end it than with a good, old-fashioned classic: a two-loss Ted Warburton versus an undefeated pack of eight highly athletic dingoes.”
The matchup, per ESPN writer Ivan Maisel, does have its upside.
“Dingoes are opportunistic carnivores, and unafraid of most of what you’ll throw at them, defensively speaking. They try to limit their mistakes and work the numbers, most of the time, and that’s precisely what they’ll do against Ted here. He’ll have his hands full…of dingo fur, mostly.”
Warburton’s two losses this year were widely regarded by AP voters as “quality losses:” one, losing a girlfriend to his “lack of commitment,” and breaking his leg in a cycling accident. While there were others in the pack with fewer losses, Warburton’s strong performance throughout the year tilted the scales in his favor.
“Really, he was hampered by injury and a tough foe, a girlfriend wanting to settle down,” said Sporting News writer Matt Hayes. “Those two have taken down plenty of great teams in season. But when you look at his resume this year, there’s a lot of strengths: scoring not twice, but three times with that hot divorcee in the Bahamas, mowing his yard four weeks in a row, and flossing regularly throughout the year, including the hectic holidays.”
“In a year of almost-rans, he’s the closest we’ve got to a championship contender.”
The dingoes, for their part, are excited.
“rrrttggghhhRROOOAOAAAHHHHRRRR snrragggrrlglh ROOAOOOROOOOAAARRRGH YOUUUWWWL Ssnrarrgglhhhf, GrrrgghhhgHghhhgllll groarrggar gnsicnorhf grrrrswgghhHHHhh,” they said following the press conference, a noise widely interpreted to mean somehing between “we’re honored to be facing such a great opponent in a great venue,” or “BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!”
