Oh, you latte-swilling blue-staters. Laugh if you will, but you don’t own a company with enough coin to sponsor a bowl game, do you, you iPhone-twirling fuckwit. Your internet start-up, your sex-toys-for-pets company, your lame diner specializing in Albanian burritos. It all sucks compared to Roady’s, because none of them sponsor a bowl game, much less a bowl game on blue turf, even if they’re a chain of truck stops with the Q rating of a livestock feed brand.
Truckers need the basics, too. They’re the lonesome cowpokes of the black earth-ribbon hustling your flatscreen tvs and O’Jumbos Workout Bars for Slightly Paunchy Active Types all over this great nation of ours, and what do they get in return? Slightly discounted methamphetamine, lame audioporn on tape, and the occasional handjob from a truckstop hooker…or precisely the HR benefits of an Idaho Vandals assistant coach, in other words.
Truckers also face dangers you would stain your pants over: inclement weather, traffic hazards, and the supernatural, as documented below.
Red Sovine was not lying, people. Mock the Roady’s Humanitarian bowl if you must, but between Large Marge and the spectre of Phantom 309, the ghostly roadways of our nation need safe havens full of coffee, reasonably priced gasoline, and high-grade audioporn for our hard-working truckers more than ever. If only just to keep your precious Trader Joe’s stocked with the tasty slow death of their frozen eggrolls, yuppie scum.
Deadspin’s been tracking them for a while, but this cutting-edge technology thing ESPN’s been all over has really allowed them to tap into the soul of the fan with selected comments of the day. We mention this one because it’s college football-related, slightly news pertinent, and allows us to take the offramp to random sodomy jokes as we’re wont to do.
Bowden needs to quit worrying about beating JoePa for the wins lead… do what’s best… retire.
But that really is the most insightful thing they could find in ESPN’s vault of commenters talking about college football. We’re immensely proud we can find at least three to four comments in the first, oh, three or four comments of each thread on EDSBS that trump this one for intelligence or insight. But what ESPN’s really missing out is on the comedy potential of their featured comment, which could just sneak in so much humor in a single line without most people noticing. For example:
“Bowden should do what’s best…masturbating with a silicone glove to amateur porn using really, really good expensive lube, like a fifteen dollar bottle of Eros or something. Because, IMHO, that really is the best.”
-Steve, Tallahassee
“Kirk Ferentz sued my dog for libel. True story. The dog won representing himself, and today they call him Jim Delany, Big Ten commissioner. The fucker never even calls anymore.”
-Neil391, Akron, OH.
“I bet Holly Rowe is a firm kind of squishy.”
-TeddyBallGag, Indianapolis.
“Hey, do you know who would make a great football coach at Michigan? PARIS HILTON Pr0n MKE HER SAY MAI HOW B1G!!!”
-Ivanovich0289
“Hey, did you read Mark Isenberg’s lastest Money Players column? It’s awesome.”
-M. Isenberg
They’re just missing out on so much potential here. Leave your own brilliant ESPN college football comment of the day below.
This highlight comes from the “Mo Hall Classic,” whatever that is, and is notable because yes, it contains a stellar crackback block, the move where an offensive football player split out away from the play runs back in towards the snap to block a defensive player. Sometimes, on crackback blocks, the defender has no idea what the hell’s coming and takes a neck-snapping
“Sometimes,” as in this clip.
So football terminology aside, the clip pwnz because they added the classic punching noise to the hit, not once, but twice, showing the play in sepia tones and replaying the gag. This stands as a superb example of Stranko Montana’s one and only rule of comedy: if it’s funny once, it’s funny every time. Now, excuse us while we slip on a banana peel on a midget’s shoulders in a trenchcoat that covers us both on the way out the door, so that we actually look like one very tall man.
Arkansas’ fired Houston Nutt, and then…leapt into oblivion. While Michigan has become the bumptious drama of choice this year, do not turn a deaf ear to Arkansas: the sound you hear is nothing happening, or at least nothing outside of the hiring of a search firm to find coaches now that Tommy Tuberville, Jim Grobe, and Butch Davis have all expressed equal parts disinterest and disdain for the job.
Why wouldn’t you take the job? They ran a coach out of town by prying into his cell phone records (to be fair, public record,) making suggestions that he was having an affair (who cares if he was? It’s not your genitals we’re talking about here), and getting near-riotous over a team that won 19 games in the past two years and had a championship appearance. That screams job security to us.
The replacement question-and the rare quantity of foresight-could have been considered in advance here, but likely wasn’t, or at least not considered fully enough. Georgia Tech dodged flak with a solid hire, as did Ole Miss, who hired Houston Nutt. Arkansas, however, may have started a gas fight before lighting up, especially now with Jim Grobe sitting tight at Wake for the moment. (There’s a meth lab joke in here, but we’re just too impatient to find it.)
See lack of planning, or:Gas fight!
If their last, worst case doesn’t come through…who is next? No, in all seriousness, we’re asking you. It’s quiet over there right now. Ozark quiet.
From a source, and a good one, we present to you the specious, fact-esque coaching rumor of the day: Norm Chow was offered the UCLA coaching job on Saturday. No word on whether he’s taking it, though we think (if true) he’d be mad not to take it and finish out his coaching career as a head coach in the Pac-10 working in a milieu he’s familiar with and in a conference he’s succeeded in as a coordinator.
Oh, and he can call plays like an alchemist at his best. See:
Plus, he’d be the first Asian-American coach in college football, unless you count our recently departed barbarian Mongolian emperor Ed Orgeron. (We do, but only if he wants us to, of course. We’ll call him Shirley if he wants us to because we are still afraid.) This means this is a great investment on UCLA’s part for the long-term: if successful, they’re gonna have him around a long time, because Asians live forever, man.
A little-known fact: we actually attended Georgia Tech and hold a degree from that fine institution. Just back from vacation, we offer up an appropriate evaluation of the hire written in a language we think all Tech grads will agree is a common tongue.
Still headless. Please, do not panic. He got divorced after thirty years of marriage. Took off a few pounds in a fit of gym visits and hasty low-carb controlled starvation. Back in the saddle, as it were.
And yet…the clothes. He’s wearing a collarless shirt. He’s considering growing a ponytail. He’s a bit too aggressive with the shirt tucking. In fact, it sometimes appears he’s trying to fold his upper body into his pants one frantic tuck at a time. And he bought a sports car to show he’s, you know, still virile and all that, right down to the emergency Viagra he keeps in his pocket and the spoiler package he had put on the thing.
He’s no good at it. He’s dated two women in the past forty years. And frankly, he doesn’t do this often, and doesn’t care to, not even needing much in the looks department, favoring devotion over quality.
The sum of this: Michigan still doesn’t have a coach, and could hire anyone from Brady Hoke to Mike Debord as their new head guy. A commenter asked why the Alabama job search got so much publicity and criticism last year, while Michigan’s getting the soft pedaling here. The short answer is because no one like watching stunted and awkward, while everyone likes watching agitated and desperate.
South Carolina defensive end Jordin Lindsey is recovering after being stabbed in the neck with a beer bottle during an altercation in the wee hours of Saturday morning in the Five Points district of Columbia, South Carolina. We don’t spend a lot of time in South Carolina, having no interest in peaches or cockfighting (well known that our preference is for bear-baiting, people,) but football players seemed to get stabbed, fought with, or shot at there than in most places.
Lindsay, btw, will be totally fine, despite losing massive amounts of blood through the four-inch gash in his neck.
Ohio State has 51 days between their last game and the national championship game, while LSU only has 37, meaning that when one team wins, the other will claim they had not enough/too much time to prepare/get out of shape/out of rhythm for the game.
Mike Price, former Washington State Coach, will not be returning to Pullman. Price was a prime candidate for the job he vacated to take the Alabama head coaching job before SI published a Mike Yaeger fanfic erotica piece about a fictional encounter involving Price, a stripper, and the phrase “It’s rolling, baby!” As in, 20 million dollars for defamation rollin’, baby!
Price, according to the Post-Intelligencer, will only be coming back to Pullman for retirement.
Price, the only coach to guide WSU to two Rose Bowls, confirmed Sunday he has withdrawn his name as a candidate for the Cougars’ head coaching job.
“I’ve got my place on Lake Coeur d’Alene,” Price said by phone from El Paso, Texas. “I’m going to support the Cougars and get season tickets and be contributing to the Cougar Club and be up there second-guessing the coach.”
One of the leading candidates for the WSU job makes our heart sing with joy.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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