ALABAMA’S SECRET? RADIATION POISONING
You can’t fault Tidesports.com for their logic, which is closer to epidemiology than actual analysis. Alabama, rather than being a football team, is instead a vector for some kind of infectious agent causing loss of confidence, physical weakness, and an inability to properly communicate with teammates on field. Additional side effects may include loss of coach, ranking, and explosive rectal bleeding:
One statistic drives home the point. Alabama’s 12 opponents were a combined 23-17 (.600) before facing the Tide. After losing, those same teams went 31-39 (.442).
Three head coaches no longer have their jobs (Clemson’s Tommy Bowden, Tennessee’s Phillip Fulmer and Mississippi State’s Sylvester Croom), with scores of assistants updating their resumes….
Only two opponents are still ranked, neither in the top 15…Of those three, only LSU is bowl eligible, and like many other SEC teams, they stumbled badly down the stretch.
So the secret is out: Nick Saban has been inserting depleted uranium shell shavings into the Tide’s morning meal of tiger meat and nettles, making the entire squad radioactive enough to induce low-level radiation poisoning.
I see what you are doing, Coach Saban. Vladimir approves.
A walking, Nike-sponsored Chernobyl, if you will. If you do come into contact with the Alabama football team at any point, you should cut off your clothes without removing them over your head, and immediately shower repeatedly with soap and hot water. (Couldn’t be a weak floundering SEC as a whole. Nope. We’re going with depleted uranium shavings as a more plausible explanation.)
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40
Crabapple,
Two things:
1) Don’t confuse your getting called out for making moronic statements with others whining.
2) What is it about Saban’s track record re: taking new jobs that is apparently so difficult for you to understand? The places he coached prior to LSU (e.g., Michigan St., Toledo) weren’t even arguably top tier jobs. Consequently, his leaving those programs was and is entirely unremarkable-he was simply climbing the ladder within his profession just like any successful individual would be expected to do. His subsequent departure from LSU wasn’t because he felt the program had reached the pinnacle and “preserving doesn’t interest him.” Rather, he had an opportunity to get back to his NFL roots and prove he could get it done at the highest level, all the while pulling in a nice chunk of change-again, an instance of simply climbing the coaching ladder. After a brief stint in the league, Saban realized that he preferred the college coaching experience to that of the NFL (or, if you’d prefer, he thought he couldn’t cut it), and thus made the move to Bama (we can certainly all agree that he didn’t leave Miami because he’d built them up and had no interest in preserving, can’t we?). Hell, Saban himself has said on numerous occasions that he wished he’d never left LSU.
If Saban had a long history of making lateral career moves, your conclusion might actually find an ounce of factual support. But, as noted above, that simply isn’t the case. Don’t let your hate cause you to abandon rationality.
Comment by MSR — December 2, 2025 @ 3:16 pm
39
Hook’em Tide - shouldn’t you, as, you know, a homer, be picking Bama to win? What on earth are you doing bringing your brain into the conversation? Bama wins big baby!
In all seriousness, if, and this is a big IF, we can run the ball like we have all year and put together 6-8 minute drives we’ve got a shot. 1 TO max and very few 3 and outs and there’s a chance we pull it off. Otherwise, it might turn into UF - UK.
I honestly think it will be a close game; my crimson colored magic 8-ball told me so.
Comment by The Snake will Drive Again! — December 2, 2025 @ 3:12 pm
38
NativeSon-
Fuck you for bringing that up! I was at that game.
If Goddamned Ramzee Robinson hadn’t dropped a sure pick 6, it might have been closer at the end.
Wish in one hand, I know
Comment by Tater Salad — December 2, 2025 @ 3:07 pm
37
“Since losing 24-20 at Bryant-Denny Stadium on Oct. 18, the Rebels have won five straight.”
So instead of crushing Ole Miss’ soul, Bama actually inspired them? What are they, like, BFF’s now?
And BamaTaxMan - Reggie F’n Nelson ran away with pretty much all the hate I had for Bama a couple of years ago in the Swamp.
Comment by NativeSon — December 2, 2025 @ 2:53 pm
36
Yeah, how dare you not recognize back-handed compliments/insults as praise.
“I wasn’t aware JPW was held in such high regard from the fans I’ve encountered. Add that to the SEC West being yours for the taking. AU looks to be down, LSU still not ready, Ole Miss and Miss St are in Mississippi, and Arkansas will have an uphill climb even if Petrino isn’t wishing for new employment. I’m sure Nick will recruit 32 more players this year and kick 7 underperformers/felons off the team.”
That is clearly meant as praise!
Comment by Kenny — December 2, 2025 @ 2:51 pm
35
Over sensitive Bama fans,
I think your coach has your guys playing like a team, not individuals. Your team may very well win Saturday evening, though I think they will fall short. There is a reason you are 10 point dogs, others feel as I do and they are betting their money accordingly. This would be a fine opportunity for those of you who feel differently to make some money.
I still believe that Nomadic Nick is the kind of guy who is interested in what else is out there no matter his success. He likes to build winners. Preserving doesn’t interest him. That is just my opinion based on his prior actions. There is no doubt that he built Bama back up. His work there has made them a favorite for next year based on what we know today about the other teams in the SECW.
Quit being miserable winners. You are so sensitive about even faint praise, that you think everybody is damning your school, when in fact we are giving you credit.
Comment by Crabapple Buck — December 2, 2025 @ 2:45 pm
34
I vote to keep the SABAN as Putin analogy. Both characters are utterly terrifying and brutally effective.
Alot of people hate Saban. He is an ultracompetitive asshole. But I’m glad he’s OUR ultra-competitive asshole. Coaches hate him because you cannot out-work him. No matter how many hours you study gametape, or obsess over recruiting, you know that the light will still be on in his office long after you’ve turned it in.
That’s why i’m so excited about this game. Urban is just as obsessive and driven as Saban. I think this is a meeting between the two best coaches in the sec, toting two teams that are physical manifestations of these two maniac’s ideals. Saban’s Sledgehammer verse Meyer’s Scapel. It’s a great game for the fans.
I saw the way Ole Miss beat UF. It took mistakes on UF’s part, but the other ingredient was relentless physical play from Ole Miss’ front. Alabama will do the same to a greater degree. We will put ourselves in a position to win and capitalize if UF makes mistakes on special teams or turns the ball over.
As a Bama homer, I give my team a 1 in 3 chance. Make that 1.5 in 3 if Percy Harvin Sledge is inoperable.
Comment by Hook'em Tide — December 2, 2025 @ 2:44 pm
33
For the last seven or eight years Alabama has been a national joke - Dumbose, Coach Fraud, “It’s rollin’ baby”, Mike F&^%$in Shula. And the rest of SEC and country has enjoyed it. Now, there are signs of life in Tuscaloosa, damn, Alabama may be good, oh shit.
It feels good to feel the hate again. Order has been restored. Ah, it is good for my soul.
Comment by BamaTaxMan — December 2, 2025 @ 2:26 pm
32
Crabapple you are sounding more and more like your jackass brother tafkatosub
Comment by King Harvest — December 2, 2025 @ 2:23 pm
31
shouldn’t that explanation of before and after records and subsequents rankings be proof that their schedule was overrated? are people blinded to the obvious bc it’s alabama? what the hell?!
Comment by alanon — December 2, 2025 @ 2:17 pm