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ALABAMA'S SECRET? RADIATION POISONING

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You can't fault Tidesports.com for their logic, which is closer to epidemiology than actual analysis. Alabama, rather than being a football team, is instead a vector for some kind of infectious agent causing loss of confidence, physical weakness, and an inability to properly communicate with teammates on field. Additional side effects may include loss of coach, ranking, and explosive rectal bleeding:

One statistic drives home the point. Alabama’s 12 opponents were a combined 23-17 (.600) before facing the Tide. After losing, those same teams went 31-39 (.442).

Three head coaches no longer have their jobs (Clemson’s Tommy Bowden, Tennessee’s Phillip Fulmer and Mississippi State’s Sylvester Croom), with scores of assistants updating their resumes....

Only two opponents are still ranked, neither in the top 15...Of those three, only LSU is bowl eligible, and like many other SEC teams, they stumbled badly down the stretch.

So the secret is out: Nick Saban has been inserting depleted uranium shell shavings into the Tide's morning meal of tiger meat and nettles, making the entire squad radioactive enough to induce low-level radiation poisoning.


I see what you are doing, Coach Saban. Vladimir approves.

A walking, Nike-sponsored Chernobyl, if you will. If you do come into contact with the Alabama football team at any point, you should cut off your clothes without removing them over your head, and immediately shower repeatedly with soap and hot water. (Couldn't be a weak floundering SEC as a whole. Nope. We're going with depleted uranium shavings as a more plausible explanation.)