Peter’s voice is shot, presumably from screaming at wall after finding out Texas was behind in the BCS to Oklahoma. This time, it’s weak human flesh that isn’t working, and we don’t want to miss out on the inevitable anti-BCS monologue that will knock his fresh vocal cords out for the next week.
Tomorrow, 9:00 p.m., we’ll hear it all. Blame a sinus infection in the meantime, and we’ll see you tomorrow.
A brief note on mental sanity. It is a truth universally accepted that if you worry about shit you cannot control, very soon you will lose your own shit completely and utterly. David Foster Wallace wrote books on infinity and the very essence of humanity’s need for entertainment. He hanged himself this year. Pascal, himself a mostly miserable person obsessed with probability and the infinite, was another neurotic depressive prone to writing things like this when he pulled back his mental boom camera for a glimpse at the big picture.
The eternal silence of these infinite spaces fills me with dread.
A hell of an IM partner would be Blaise Pascal. He was happiest and healthiest during the period in his very short life when he was gambling and hanging out with his friends. Let this be a historical rebuke to any and all critiques of how you spend your free time: if your loved ones want you around longer, they will let you spend time away from them doing foolish things.
Remember kids: I was happiest when gambling and drinking. You’re not alone.
Foolish things in this case do not include the BCS. You may be, for one reason or another, completely and totally outraged right now over the BCS, and Oklahoma being ranked over Texas, or over the idea that Texas could be ranked higher than OU if the computers and damned voters didn’t bitch the whole thing up, or even of the hypothetical that Florida could end up outside of the national title picture altogether.
All of this makes for lovely static, but it will drive you mad as a fan, and obscure the small things your team can control and that you, by proxy, can enjoy without angst.
Take your average Texas Tech fan this, year, who in the midst of all this hoopla may say silent thanks for watching the beastly Michael Crabtree and Graham Harrell lead the Red Raiders to the best season in the history of their program and a historic win over Texas. Or the average USC fan, who if they caught up in the silence of infinite spaces will miss the final performances of the Trojans’ most malicious defense of the Pete Carroll era. See the Penn State fan, who for all the agonizing over Joe Paterno’s eventual demise may look at their second Big Ten co-title of the century and first win over Ohio State in Columbus with deserved, puff-chested pride.
The BCS, like most things involving a lot of people and money, is an inhuman beast with no mind of its own that may or may not pick your team despite your team doing everything asked of it and more. A simple reason exists for this: there is no such thing as a national champion, but rather the eventual winner of an especially monied exhibition game staged at the end of every regular season. It’s nice, but it’s not as tangible or logically decided as a conference championship, and it’s not in your control at all.
So here’s to saving your sanity by being really, really into local politics, and valuing your friendly local conference championship. It’s definite, it means something, and it’s not partially determined by guys who don’t know that Penn State has one loss. Also relevant: gambling and carousing prolongs your life. Lesson concluded, go focus on the things you and you alone are responsible for fucking up all by your talented little self.
Scene: Columbia, MO, 9:38 a.m. Monday, December 1st. Gary Pinkel works in his office, signing requisitions and making phone calls.
[BEEEEP!!!!]
Voice from speaker: It’s your wife on line three, Coach Pinkel. I’m patching her through.
Pinkel: Tell her I’m busy right now. I can’t look at carpet samples.
Voice from speaker: She’s insisting. I’m not making an enemy of her, Coach. Here she is.
Pinkel: Dammit, don’t-
Mrs. Pinkel: The berber just doesn’t work for me. The texture on my feet kind of hurts my teeth when I walk on it, you know? Gary? Are you even listening to me?
Pinkel: Baby, we just lost to Kansas. I know the contract extension was nice, but I can’t really think about spending it when we just lost to-
[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING]… (more…)
Brought to you by the magic of paint thinner and photoshop…LSUFreek’s Week In Review.
Colorado/Nebraska
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That doesn’t clear anything up. Thanks. If you have been in a box wine coma for the past three days, we’ll break the news to you: Texas gets the booty end of the stick for the BCS this year, missing the Big 12 conference game because of Oklahoma’s higher BCS ranking, which broke the three-way tie in the Big 12 South after Texas, OU, and Texas Tech finished with losses to each other and identical records against the Big 12 North. Brown’s reaction: “Since this situation has never happened before in the Big 12, I think the conference should follow the lead of all of the other B.C.S. leagues with championship games (A.C.C./Conference USA/Mid-American/SEC) in how they settle three-way ties. I think their systems are fairer and give more credit to how the two highest-ranked teams performed against each other on the field.” How much fairer are they? The SEC’s system takes an eight step process to break menage a trois, and if we plug the B12 South into the SEC system for fun, we hit the same result with one important wrinkle: The tied team with the highest ranking in the Bowl Championship Series Standings following the last weekend of regular-season games shall be the divisional representative in the SEC Championship Game, unless the second of the tied teams is ranked within five-or-fewer places of the highest ranked tied team. In this case, the head-to-head results of the top two ranked tied teams shall determine the representative in the SEC Championship Game. (Emphasis ours.) Meaning head-to-head comes back in when the teams are ranked in roughly equivalent standing by the national community, meaning Texas would have gone under SEC rules. Attention, Longhorns: we will happily switch out Vandy for you in God’s Conference, and even give you a five year blind eye toward any major violations. Tennessee football, sponsored by Sanrio. The adorable Lane Kiffin will be announced as Tennessee’s new head coach today. His staff may include his father, Monte Kiffin of the Tampa Bay Bucs, David Reaves of South Carolina, and-PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-Ed Orgeron, late of being THE ORGERON of Ole Miss and now with the New Orleans Saints. Other assistants will include Keroppi on special teams and controversial strength and conditioning coach Bad Batz Maru. Dabo Dabo Dabo. Clemson hires Dabo Swinney as the replacement for Tommy Bowden. Yeah, she was a friend of our ex, but we always, you know, liked her, and unlike THAT BITCH this one seems really, really happy to be with me. We’re splitting up the friends as we speak. We Are! Piss Drunk! The Nittany Lion mascot was arrested for DUI. Please say he was wearing the head please say he was wearing the head…. Harvin: on the lift, receiving attention from top mechanics. Percy Harvin’s ankle is day-to-day, according to Urban Meyer. Also dodgy: lineman Brandon Antwine, one of many nicked up in the sloggy conditions in Tallahassee. Chris Rainey was caught from behind on a long run by FSU defenders. Why? “I must have had heavy shoes on from the rain.” Take away his stable of white girls until he finishes the drill, Urb! Or perhaps just reduce to a paltry three or four for the week. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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