Leach and Pat Hill are both out of consideration for the Washington job. It is still a pirate’s life for Leach, who is theoretically still in line for the Auburn job or a hefty pay raise at his own job.
Buckethead proves that being frightening and talented are not mutually exclusive, but indeed necessarily inclusive. Much like Leach, now that we think of it.
Percy Harvin is injured. Big deal, we say: Percy Harvin is always injured. Just before the national title game in 2006, Percy Harvin sneezed and severed his femoral artery. Bleeding profusely and on the brink of death, he put on his pants, strapped on the helmet, and after three cups of Gatorade ripped off 82 yards of total offense and a TD against the Ohio State Buckeyes. He then died immediately postgame, but recovered in time for spring practices.
Like a finely tuned sports car, Percy runs at top speed and, more frequently than not, is on blocks during the week receiving physical therapy, being massaged by virgins, and laughing gustily at the jesters and midgets who amuse the court at Florida. For the uninitiated, here’s an easy summary of Percy’s injuries over the years.
We left out an ingrown toenail that had him in the ICU until three hours before the South Carolina game. He was slowed to a mere 8 carry, 167 yard performance as a result. Our apologies. (HT: Holly.)
De’Shon Sanders is the snowman, and he’s gonna melt under the interrogation lamps: the reserve defensive back for the Texas Tech Red Raiders was arrested at 1:30 in the morning today in Lubbock by DEA agents. Please note the scary Federal acronym. That’s the DEA, as in “pound-you-in-the-ass federal prison” Feds. Sanders, caught with over 50 grams of cocaine, is trouble spelled with a capital DAMN.
Sanders is also a housemate of Michael Crabtree. Crabtree has not been implicated in the case in any way.
It cannot help Mike Leach’s efforts to sufficiently gain leverage to bleed some extra booty from the rules of his home port to have this happen, and it is a marginal distraction for Washington, who might be the team most serious about hiring Leach as a head coach. As for Auburn, who probably has a booster who is already literally throwing money at him and crying into the phone to him, this won’t matter OH GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE PLEASE COME COACH OUR FOOTBALL TEAM HOLY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE.
Russell was kind/foolish enough to have us on for the Football Outsiders’ Seventh Day Adventure Podcast, which you may listen to below. Staying on topic? NOT A HABIT.
We’re first up.
Reporter: “Any further questions: what do you expect to see from the Sooners in terms of game management and strategy on Saturday?”
Pinkel: “I’m gonna just be frank with you. I expect them to put sixty points worth of ungreased football schlong right into our outflow pipe, frankly. Take that down: I expect them to sodomize us with an excellence unseen since Halston took on three members of the French Men’s Rugby Squad in 1980 in the VIP at Club 54. We’re going to be rammed from the aftside by a battleship that, frankly, will likely split our humble clipper ship in two. We’re Edward Norton in the shower in American History X, and we know what’s coming. It doesn’t mean we like it, but in life, sometimes you’re the plunger, and sometimes you’re the toilet begging for a mercy flush.
So, in return what I expect is a quality reacharound. Not a half-assed flubbing of the old Atari Boystick, no, what I want in return for taking the biggest Barbary Pirate Handshake since Joel Klatt watched his brain fly out of his nose is a quality courtesy butter-churning from the man in return. Let us get some points back in the third and fourth. Make sure Chase has at least one eyeball when the game is over. Take out Demarco Murray when they’re up by thirty. The little things.
If you’re going to flesh-kebab someone, you might as well give the courtesy of rubbing their meat before applying the heat. That’s all I’m saying, and you can quote me on that. We’re not looking for a pastor’s handshake here. I want my team to feel the concerned but firm grip of a closeted plumber on holiday in a Miami bathhouse, dammit. It’s the least they can do after what will probably happen to us on Saturday.
Any other questions? What? Why are you looking at me like that?
[/the sound of flashbulbs, furious scribbling, and phones being dialed.]
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The Ladies of Auburn Make a Surprisingly Tasteful Radio Spot. Two wives of fired Auburn assistants called into local radio stations and made surprisingly tasteful commentary on the firing. Emotional, yes, but none of them broke down and began calling Bobby Lowder a pigfucker, which is precisely what we would have done in the same situation. You will be shocked to know that the announcement of the hiring filtered out through boosters, seemed extremely disorganized, and caught Auburn offensive coordinator Steve Emsminger in Miami on a recruiting trip. Other Auburn assistants were caught mid-visit, as well. “Kid, I’ve just been fired. I suggest you go wherever the hell you like, actually. Disregard the previous 30 minutes of schpiel. What’s you mom doing tonight? She’s in great shape for a woman her age. Hey, is that scotch in the cabinet over there? You ever been to a dog track? Really?” Further confirmation that Auburn is a Banana Republic. The dysfunctional, oligarchical kind where coups happen in sloppy, uncontrolled fashion, not the mall-based purveyor of fine Garanimals for fashion-hapless adults. (Raises hand.) Joe Schad says a trustee reached out to Mike Leach last night: A pirate has no problem taking the wheel of a ship still bearing the clenched and severed hand of its previous captain, but still….yeeeesh. More flash reaction here. As for Leach, his agent says he’s heard nothing from his current employer, so it’s game on for negotiating time. The Animated Blogpoll thinks it’s UNFAIR. Wait: you beat Cincinnati? Get another table in here so Bob Stoops can watch Bobby Vinton at the Copa with his lady. The Animated Blogpoll contains no Goodfellas references, but is certainly entertaining enough to please your inner mobster. (This is a personality test: are you more of a Goodfellas mafia guy, or a Godfather type? Those who gravitate toward the Godfather seem fascinated by the bullshit omerta and honor code of the whole thing, the high drama and lush interiors; we’re more of a Goodfellas partisan because it shows why you’d behave so badly in the first place. You get to shove postmen’s heads into pizza ovens, pistol-whip country club assholes to a pulp in broad daylight, and give your wife shopping money measured out by inches, not amount. Blah blah politics family honor America whatevs. Give us Henry Hill doing blow and scanning the skies for helicopters any day.) Sad. Ball State will not meet Boise in the Humanitarian Bowl for the Sensible Mid-Sized Hybrid Undefeated Program Bowl. Painful, but true, sir. SI’s Don Banks on Lane Kiffin’s strengths: “His strength right now is apparently, frankly, interviewing and getting jobs,” said Don Banks, who covers the NFL for Sports Illustrated. “He does that very well.” NFL writer’s sneering at the college game aside, Lane Kiffin is looking more and more like a very, very conservative person’s notion of an innovative hire. “Does he come from good stock? Who’s his father? Does he run in a good crowd? Does he use the salad fork correctly?” It’s like hiring a kid straight out of Wharton because his pedigree is “impeccable.” That’s what Tennessee just did, and it is going to take a posse of old boys pitching in to make it work. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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