Florida State-NC State and BYU-Texas Christian, right here, right now(ish).

And once again, we require deputies—if you’re interested in helping us approve comments, especially if you’ve helped us out before, drop me a line (wolfbearclownshark, gmail).

It’s a Thursday night game. You know in your pitted hearts you have nothing better to do. Take our handy quiz to determine your loyalties for the evening.

Your preferred tailgating beverage is:
A) Beer
B) Milk

Your go-to antiseptic in event of injury is:
A) Beer
B) Milk

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“Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.”

Joe Paterno is dying in front of our eyes, and that is no overly dramatic statement. His body is beginning the inevitable decline he staved off for so many year by running, staying involved in his job, and leaning on the good credit his robust genes advanced him in his later years. This is not a sentimental judgment: it’s fact, as clear to the viewer as the cane he now requires to get from point A to point B or as obvious as his absence from the sidelines when he takes to the booth in the second half of games due to hip pain.

Brent Musberger may be annoying, predictable, and prone to over-excitement on the smallest play, but give him due credit for honesty in discussing the factors motivating Paterno’s insistence on remaining on the sideline.

He is fearful — and he looks back at Bear Bryant as the example — he is fearful that he would not be with us if he stepped away. He is a man that doesn’t fish, doesn’t play golf…he has no other interest other than his family and football. And he’s just afraid what would happen with the rest of his life if he walks away from it.

“What would happen” here is cloaked language for what happened to Bryant: death. (more…)

Blogtoberfest! Because data never sleeps.

The crop is in. It takes at least three or four days for the Youtubes to give up their choicest uploads, but it’s worth the wait. Oklahoma State was 114th of 119 teams in sacks going into the Mizzou game, but managed to get pressure on Chase Daniel not with exotic schemes, but simply by rushing four down linemen in various stunts.

Such weakness in blocking does not bode well for Mizzou, especially going into Texas against Coach Boom and Brian “I swallow NFL signing bonuses whole” Orakpo. Speaking of…

Bad; nationwide. The animated Blogpoll is up, and it is magnificent.

Clemson wants the package deal. The Kiffin mafia is allegedly on Clemson’s radar.

Gravitational force toward a much larger object will do that. Bob Stoops and Mark Mangino have a strong bond, much like that of a moon to a planet.

Char-ming. What is this…char-ming you speak of? Nick Saban puts charm-mode on full blast for this piece discussing the Wild Rebel with Ian Rappaport. Toward the end, Nick Saban suggests that as the current generation of fifty/sixty-something coaches die off, the wishbone would be nigh-impervious to current defenses. We support the first team to do this fully and without exception.

White girl therapy yields amazing progress. Chris Rainey: go.

[sympathies given, redacted] Guess who called Tommy Bowden after he got fired to tell him this would be the best thing that would ever happen to him?

You realize that Phil Fulmer probably waddled strode confidently into his office this morning, grabbed his cup of coffee and slab of batter-fried venision bagel, and thought happy thoughts. Tough days make tough people, Phil. Tough people get through tough times. He probably checked the wall: yup, trophies still there. Looked in the mirror. Yup, Pumpkinhead Champion still looking back at him.

He reviewed the emails for the day. He perused some notes Chavis left for him, and then probably brought in Dave Clawson to slap him until his cheeks bled talk some third down strategy. Then a few recruiting calls: just a check-in, a little how ya’ doin’ with his cheat sheet in hand to remember who he was talking to and what they liked, being careful not to confuse them and insult the tender but unstable ego of the blue-chipper he was trying to woo to Knoxville.

Then, he looked through his mail and found an envelope. It was postmarked “Starkville,” and contained one thing: an 8 X 10 glossy:

And a note that read “YOU’RE NEXT.-CROOM”

Then the world grew cold, his blood coagulated to icy sludge in his veins, and for the first time Phil Fulmer knew fear, for it was holding him tight in his very arms like an arctic boa constrictor.

From COED magazine, brah, the finest publication for dyslexic code freaks and fans of HOT COLLEGE BABES WHO WOULDN’T FUCK YOU WITH A GUN TO THEIR HEADS, an attractive woman from the LSU/Florida game:

And then, after the jump, another hot piece of tail from the weekend.

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Please give a surly EDSBS welcome to guest poster Monday Morning Punter, KSK Mafioso and Deadspin weekend rustler.

Alright everybody listen up! I believe in all of you. It’s a big home game, it’s on TV. So let’s get to practice and get down to business. Jake?

Yeah coach?

How’s that thumb of yours? Ready to practice this week?

You know coach, I was thinkin’. How come you never let us tailgate? I saw bunches of people tailgating last week. How come you never let us do that?

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Tennessee’s thinking about thinking about the idea of firing Phil Fulmer, and being a playful rival but concerned fellow SEC member school fan, we thought we might just help out by mentioning a few candidates for the head coaching position that Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton may want to consider in his search.

What’s that you say? Brimstone? That’s preposterous. We’re sure it’s just barbecue or something.

Here’s the list of people you should be considering. Some of them are just sitting around on couches right now just waiting for our call. They’re like loose change between the cushions but instead of paying for a late-night Taco Bell fourth meal, these guys could buy you the delicious chalupa of a national title!

Our list of candidates is as follows:

Dennis Franchione. A proven winner, people person, and a straight shooter. A winner, and had the sense to leave the Alabama job for a successful tenure at hrmble murphmumblemrphedhrm University! Also, an enterprising sort bound to find all kinds of innovative ways of opening up revenue streams for the program. Have you considered charging fans for oxygen? Dennis has!

Johnny Majors. He’s in town. You already know him to be an intoxicating presence on a personal level, and at 73 he’s merely middle-aged. (Seventy is the new forty!) Would restore class and tradition to this program by wearing a tie on the sidelines. A solid, cylindrical tie filled with “thinking juice.” Friendly with the current coaching staff!

Gary Barnett. Tanned, rested, and ready. Improves cash flow in program by keeping large boxes full of it in the locker room. Like half of any male fanbase, hates women! Once beat a horse to death with a claw hammer for “looking at him the wrong way.” Now that’s kind of man that can handle a challenge ilke the Tennessee football program.

Buttons the Cat. Buttons! Awww, sweet widdle Buttons.

Buttons the Cat might not “add anything” to your football program except a reeking litter box and shredded orange chairs in the players’ lounge, but we’ll also tell you this: Buttons also wouldn’t throw on third and one, either. And look at him eating a popsicle LOLoverwhemedwithcuteness!

Dennis Green. Calm, composed leadership for any program.

Ron Prince. A rising young star, and yours for the taking at rock bottom prices!

A particularly unripe cantaloupe with a face drawn on it and a headset. Or just keep Fulmer. It’s pretty much the same thing at this point.

We’re here to educate. The second-leading tackler in the NCAA this year is none other than Frantz Joseph, a mad-tackling linebacker from Florida Atlantic University who had 14 solo tackles in the game against Minnesota alone, and who has 75 tackles total in 6 games.

One clarification, though, that we would like to help with: he is not related to the former ruling family of the Austro-Hungarian empire. Unless they were Haitian, and we don’t think they were.

We’re here to help.

Signed,

The EDSBS Education Initiative: Making the World a Better, More Awesome Place Through the Power of Microsoft Paint.