Colt McCoy has to have taken more late hits and cheap shots than any current starting qb in college football. Perhaps it’s something about the Texas offense and the way they run their quarterback; perhaps it is a hopefully abandoned habit of holding onto the ball too long; perhaps McCoy just smells like fear and cookies and brings out the Darwinian aggression in opposing defenders.
The reasons are beyond our understanding, both because we don’t have the time or space to investigate the question properly, and because we can’t do math. Therefore, if you are a Colt McCoy fan, and do not wish to see his shit get rocked repeatedly and painfully in many horrendous variations, please do not watch any of these.
Contrarily: If you smell fear and cookies just reading this, you may want to click through and enjoy.
From time to time we like to invite a member of the Ohio State Fanbase to comment on their team’s campaign thus far in 2008. Today, we present Kevin Banks of Columbus, Ohio, a diehard Buckeye fan and guest contributor to EDSBS. Enjoy.
I had to come on today because we have kind of a crisis in the Buckeye nation, and I want to address it head on and just come out and hit it in the mouth, because that’s what we do at THE Ohio State University. We hit the shrugs and the weights and we then we hit people in the mouth like Andy Katzenmoyer. Just like I’m about to hit this red-hot topic right in the mouth like its name was Mike Hart.
Are you ready? Are you ready Ow-WAH-AH-AH-AH!!!! Get down with this sickness, Buckeye:
It started gay, sure. A lot of good things start gay. Like hair product, for example. I don’t hit the town without putting some shit in my hair to make sure I’m looking good, and it sure as hell isn’t my grandfather’s leftover airplane engine grease from World War Two. That shit catches flies in it.
No, I use a little bit of gel, which if you’re honest with yourself, is something that started with the gays. (more…)
We like the way the Mike the Tiger looks hesitant and worried in this context.
“Hey, now. Just take it easy. You weren’t actually thinking about eating me, were you? Like you can’t even name a single thing besides sugar and flour that this is made of, right? There’s no telling what kind of Korean factory runoff is actually in this yellow dye. You could whip it out to piss tomorrow, throw a cigarette in the shitter afterwards and-BOOM! There goes your house, you, and your dog, and you’ll think, just seconds before you’re disincorporated, “Hey, I wonder if whatever’s in a Pop-tart turns human urine into a potent, flammable explosive?” The answer would be yes, but it’s too late, and now your gluttony and love of packaged food has cost you everything, you complete and utter asshole.
Consider an apple? Yes, a delicious apple instead, or perhaps any other Pop Tart out of the box rather than me.”
7. With new starter at qb, offense produced 9 first downs against Northern Illinois and 225 total yards, and this was considered “improvement.”
6. Booing from sorrow-filled, intoxicated fanbase at home games is repelling recruits despite the school having the largest recruiting budget in the SEC.
5. Is being overshadowed by undefeated Vanderbilt team who would likely be favored at this point in the season were the two teams to meet this weekend. Read that again, repeat, wait for eyeballs to fall out of head and roll across table.
4. Tennessee blogs are pretending to actually be Vanderbilt blogs.
3. Your offense (97th) is lagging behind Texas A&M’s nationally (95th). No, use the sharp edge, and cross at the wrists. You want an ‘X’ shape, remember.
2. Jon Gruden has become a viable replacement candidate in the liquid smoke-flavored fantasies of Vol fans. Because you want Bill Callahan, but blonde and addled from two decades of consistent sleep deprivation-that sounds fantastic.
1. This, shockingly, gives us no pleasure anymore. (more…)
Really? Yes? This is happening? He saddles up: shoulder pads, kneebrace, helmet. He reviews his playbook, the script for the first fifteen plays, and takes a quiet knee to collect his thoughts and ask God for protection and the wisdom to make the right decisions on the field. He rises, and the click-clack of his cleats against the concrete floor are his metronome: the symphony is about to begin.
He takes the stand, a conductor in full possession of his powers. Assmann, ready to go.
Capital quarterback Marty Assmann and Ohio State backup quarterback Todd Boeckman are total strangers, but they should do lunch sometime. Chances are the conversation wouldn’t have to start with the weather.
The conversation would probably begin: “Holy shit! You’re name is ASSMANN? YES!!! (fistpump/awkwardmoment)” Because his name really is Assmann, and he plays quarterback for Capital University, a D-III Evangelical Lutheran school in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. Assmann is the second-leading passer in the Ohio Athletic Conference, and is totally and completely actually named Assmann.
Capital University, if you make the jersey, we will buy it…so long as it’s made with the Original Assmann Quality we’ve come to expect from all things Assmann. You don’t want to ruin a fine name like that. Like Assmann. Assmann. (Giggle.)
Well, yes, that is true. From the Orlando Sentinel quoting man/manimal Ricky Jean-Francois talking about tackling Tim Tebow:
When I talked with Jean-Francois last week, he said his defensive line getting a clean shot on a quarterback like Tim Tebow equates to “a car wreck without a seat belt.”
And review what happens in the middle of the line when Mr. Jean-Francois decides that he doesn’t like the play you just called:
And we’re over here saying, “My, yes. Whatever you like Mr. Jean-Francois, yes. More blood punch?” (YES MOTHERFUCKER!) “Certainly!” (”YOU PEE SITTING DOWN FROM NOW ON!”) “Quite, yes!”
PAC-10 Quarterbacks Suffering Colds and Flu, but like, in their joints. Both Rudy Carpenter and Mark Sanchez are iffy for the Arizona State/USC game this weekend: Sanchez with a bruised bone in his left knee, and Rudy Carpenter with a sprained left ankle. Dennis Erickson says he will not start Carpenter unless he’s “close to 100 percent,” because he’ll be down to the usual state of shock, delirium, and near-death once his offensive line “protects” him for four quarters, and you really don’t want to go into that with anything less than a full tank of survival fuel.
Washington State is not liable for any and all maiming suffered. You, too, could play quarterback for Washington State University: just come on down and try out, thanks to injuries, anemic offensive performance thus far, and Paul Wulff’s wacky sense of humor. A walk-on former CFL player will undoubtedly surface, find love in the arms of a young professor, and get a second chance at life on the gridiron after squandering his talent on booze and arrogance the first time. (Call Bruckheimer! Make! This! Happen!)
Feelings are important: Jeremiah Masoli, Oregon’s quarterback, has feelings, and like all feelings, we respect them, and yet want to shove them deep down with booze, anger, and all the healthy things men do with their rage and sadness. Why? Because saying this like this out loud is pure FAIL:
Said Ducks QB Jeremiah Masoli after Oregon’s 44-10 loss to USC: “We feel like we’re the better team.”
See? It would have been better if he’d just done what we do: have a cocktail, pass out, and then break down weeping five minutes into the first Disney cartoon that crosses our path later on. Damn you, Dumbo. Damn you to hell.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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