GO.
Liveblog, tomorrow all day and it don’t stop with Holly and ourself.
Set the chains. Check the clock. Alert the networks that the ball will be in the air whether they are ready or not.
Go.
August 29, 2025
EDSBS RAW: NAKED SUSHI BUFFET PICKS
The week’s picks, divided into the quasi-rational and nakedly irrational.
#18 Tennessee @ UCLA
SWINDLE: OPTION: QUASI-RATIONAL. Don’t consider this an endorsement of Tennessee so much as a suspicion that UCLA’s battered offensive line, JUCO starter Kevin Craft, and new offensive schemes will give Tennessee the opportunity to line up a few par 3 touchdowns thanks to turnovers. Tennessee will introduce the Clawfense, which is new itself and will feature spectacular, vurping hiccups. (Option route peekaboo: you run slant, I thought you were going the other way, we give six the other way ROCK.)
In a battle of two freshly molted offenses, though, Tennessee’s got better, less maimed tools to work with here. Our fanfiction ends with UCLA’s defense getting swamped by the offense putting them into untenable, unwinnable positions. Add in the unscoutability of the Clawfense-relatively unseen to this point-and the biggest winners of this game may be the Florida defensive coaching staff, who will have fresh gametape of Tennessee’s brand new dance.
(Oh, and because this is fanfiction, Ron Weasley is over in the corner tagging Hermione while Voldemort watches from his spank chair. That’s happening, too.)
HOLLY: RATIONAL/BLATANT HOMERISM Tut tut, looks like rain. Tennessee: New QB with mileage comparable to an Oldsmobile Alero never driven anywhere except to church on Sundays by your great-great-aunt. (more…)
BLOGTOBERFEST: THREE LIGHTS AHEAD EDITION
Blogtoberfest: resting comfortably prior to frenzied Saturday activity.
BULLET HURRICANE BULLET: App State/LSU gets the boot up to 10 a.m. thanks to Hurricane Gustav. This means LSU fans will begin drinking violently at 3 p.m. two days ago to prepare.
Holly’s new column on Yahoo is up, and contains a Velvet Underground reference Yahoo commenters will miss, think is gay, or turn into an attack on TEHM LIBRLZ.
Losers With Socks pointed us to a South Carolina fan who, to be fair, is consistent with his hate. Even if you’re paralyzed, he still thinks you should go to hell and die.
They stop traffic and neglect burning fires for football? Yes, Hawaii, we do. All the time.
Necessary things: The schedule, easy, simple, and television-friendly. Read it before you go into battle. We talked with Cuddles Swindle yesterday, and his entire day is planned down to the second. We think the twins are even supposed to shit on schedule, and if they really are his children, for football they will do just this.
Illinois is faster than last year, but thin at linebacker per Behind the Stripes, who also gets more information about Juice Williams improving vastly as a passer. Thinking about putting Maclin on one of those linebackers in a matchup has Chase Daniels delivering pizzas with a fierceness, brah.
Cobra Commander has a Twitter feed. It’s necessary.
Todd, who should be doing hang cleans and drinking whole eggs in preparation for Bama’s opener, is instead divulging his girly shame/love songs list. Scandal does not belong on that list.
This, however, does (the video makes it so, so much worse):
ARIZONA STATE’S PRACTICE FACILITY GOES TOPLESS
God rains down his judgment on Arizona State because HE’S A DAWG! WOOO SIC ‘EM!!! Mind the trim…
DR. LOU, TIUJANA BRAIN SURGEON
Reader email begins this discussion of whatever the hell the Dr. Lou segment was last night. Mike asks:
It’s like the pep talk, but without the aspects of the pep talk that made sense. Please explain what I saw last night and help me prevent spontaneous cerebral combustion.
Some things defy explanation. The sublimity of the pep talks last year, where Holtz was allowed to leap around in front of the camera in his natural environment like lithe mercury-swilling madman he really is, have instead been replaced by a seated Holtz doing his best Leo Marvin-via-the-Catskills shrink routine. The results can only be explained by one thing and one thing only: the devastating effects of penis hookworm.
CURIOUS INDEX, 8/29/08
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Our obvious West Coast Bias is showing. The best game of the night came last, rewarding those of us who consumed five Diet Cokes after dark yesterday. Oregon State looked like your nightmare NCAA game, the one you play with only one game left in an undefeated season on Heisman, outgaining Stanford 490 to 301 in yardage and getting 29 first downs to Stanford’s 19 and…losing 36-28
Sometime in the fourth quarter the menu popped up “DO YOU WANT TO DEFRAGMENT QUARTERBACK CLICK YES OR YES.” Dutifully clicking, OSU’s Lyle Moevao threw for a safety (on a lateral pass in the endzone,) a pick six, and made a beautiful underneath pass to Darrell Catchings with under two minutes to go that would have had the Beavers at first and goal down by eight. Fortunately, Catchings got us all to bed reasonably late by tossing the Beavers’ second fumble through the endzone, crushing Don’t worry: you can still quit the game before the clock runs out. Oregon State, however, cannot. Cock, Fired. Ahem: “Chris Smelley did come in and play very well. We’ll have to watch the tape, analyze it to see what in the world happened to Tommy,” Spurrier said. The chances of Tommy Beecher seeing the starting job again cannot be expressed with simple math, so low are they. Chris Smelley is your new starter, it’s time to pull the plug on the Beecher experiment, according to Garnet and Black Attack, who watched aghast as South Carolina played their eleventh straight quarter of offensive atrocity in a season opener. In the twelfth, however, Chris Smelley came on and looked comfortable and RUTS-ish against a completely broken NC State team that only gained 138 yards on the night. Tom O’Brien had no reaction. He just doesn’t. Ever. Atrocious puns, yes; option, also yes. Our report on the first showing of the Georgia Tech flexbone and the sad pummeling of Ryan Perrilloux is at the Sporting Blog. In short: the option works really well when you’re three grades better than your opposition, Georgia Tech seems more alive than they’ve looked in five years, and the video they play before the game done by two guys who call themselves the GTG’s not only pun atrociously on the standard Georgia Tech student email address, but also make Durst Rap with a calculus edge. It’s the GTGsAAAAhHHGGkdjjjkkkkkkk[/garroted]. When you doubt Vandy you slit your own throat. We picked Miami of Ohio in this game, and Vandy does what they It’s like the Hamptons, but with heat stroke. Florida’s going all-white for the Hawaii game to “White-Out Cancer.” DO YOU HEAR THAT CANCER? We’re coming for you. If Urban were a real player, he’d have pubic hair maintenance requirements like Diddy did for his White Party, though God have mercy on the souls of those who have to check for that for 90,000 hammered Florida fans. |
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August 28, 2025
EDSBSGPS: WHERE WE AT, 8/28/08
The evening’s agenda:
SWINDLE: Atlanta, watching Jacksonville State @ Georgia Tech live and NC State @ South Carolina via ESPN360.
HOLLY: Los Angeles, watching Troy @ Middle Tennessee State via GamePlan and NC State @ South Carolina on ESPN.*
Neither, regrettably, will be in Denver wooing Ana Marie Cox…although I’m closer, Swindle. Just saying.
Were we That Sort Of Blog, this is the point at which we’d call you some sort of collective brotherhoodish nickname (”Rampant and Unapologetic SEC Bias Nation, PUTCHA HANDS IN THE AAAYYYYR!!!1!!”) and offer to race you to the comments for the commencement of geographic roll-call, drink choices du soir, and unseemly insinuations about your relationships with your mothers. We remain, however, cool and aloof as jungle cats (and just as shiny), and will merely inform you, as any well-bred hostess would, that the open thread below is available for any and all of the above needs. Go on, now.
*Also on the agenda: Frequent and vehement cursing of Time Warner SoCal for appalling nonexistence of ESPN360 availability in LA, denying me the Return of El Perrilloux. Get bent, sirs.
DEAD AIR: A JERRY BRUCKHEIMER PRODUCTION.
Scene: an unnamed Latin American urban center. Raw sewage flows through the gutters. A hopelessly beautiful child is held at gunpoint by armed thugs who, in addition to being evil for holding up a little girl with an AK-47, are ugly and wearing ugly clothes.
Bandito: And now, amigos, we’ll see if the girl gives up the candy!
Girl: Chinga te, cabron!
The girl kicks the bandito in the balls. He crumples. She runs, and turns down a dark alley. The gang scrambles after her. The alley runs into a dead end. The girl stops, her face lit dramatically from above.
Bandito, limping in: And now, chica, I will teech you sohm reeespect!
A wiry, handsome form comes into the frame behind the bandito. It is BROCK CARDINAL, ex-Navy SEAL, Congressman, and former car thief and chemist. (more…)
ENDORSEMENT DEALS OF THE RECENTLY DEAD HIT YOUR TAILGATE
Reader Jason sends us further evidence of the robots coming for us any day now: Bo Merlot, coming to your tailgate whether you like it or not. (Click for larger image.)
The ads for Howard Schnellenberger’s Fortifying Rum for Gentlemen will be simpler: just a scorch mark on on the ground and a hole where a chump used to be. You’ll know it’s a Schnellenberger’s Fortifying Rum for Gentlemen ad from one sign: the smell of sex and Old Spice in the air.
BLOGTOBERFEST: SHALLOW, MATERIALISTIC EDITION
Blogtoberfest: we don’t dream about anyone…except ourselves…
USC earns “Most Superficial” in Radar’s survey of bad education in America. Whatever, ugly poor virgin writer guy. Conquest Chronicles wants to know where this Bikini Hill is.
Clay, philistine that he is, fails to understand the intellectual underpinnings of the Save the Daves movement. Many things in life can be good, but so few are charming: that’s the point. Asking for both is going against the evidence life has offered us thus far.
Tennessee’s new facilities have carpet that looks like kit-kats bars arranged in opposing patterns. COINCIDENCE?
The giant bolted ‘T’ looks like something from Portal or 2001.
Phil: Open the cookie bay door, General Neyland. GN: i can’t do that, phil….
This week in Hayes versus Hall: Commenters love it!
Minnesota’s ACT scores are the worst in the Big Ten. What’s the ACT? Wharr’s mah banjo and whompin’ stick?
ESPN 360, you complete me. If you have it, its powers could be wondrous this season.
