Losing to Syracuse is painful. When you do it as preseason top 10, possible Big East champion, it’s…it’s nauseating to anyone watching it happen, really, because Syracuse reeks. Stinks. Like rotting antelope carcass stuffed with pigeonshit thrown into a vat of five spice powder and then deep fried in a vat of oil skimmed off Drew Rosenhaus’ head and served with a side of assfries. We don’t even know what assfries are, but if they existed, they would be the proper side dish for Syracuse football.

The only proper reaction to the death of Louisville’s dreams is nausea. Apparently, this Swedish television personality was watching the third quarter off camera.

BORT BORT BARF!!! For a more complete verbal picture of how bad the end of the game was between these two armless men trying to headbutt each other to death, consult with the 5.0 Guy, a sick bastard who was left dry-heaving by the inept finale to the game. Keep in mind: the word vomit is used copiously here, and predates said Swedish rebooting footage.

GOOD GOD, THIS GAME SUCKS.

I have to say, in the few minutes I watched this game I was as appalled as anyone could get. I know it’s just Syracuse and that’s why there were so many empty seats. But that was only the beginning.

I picked up the game late in the second quarter working on some shelves in my house. Low and behold, Syracuse has successfully identified their ass from a hole in the ground and have managed to go up 14-7 on Louisville. This can’t last for long, I think.

I WAS SO WRONG.

Louisville was apparently of the mindset that they desperately needed to lose this game, and lose in the same fashion as Syracuse usually does: via horrendous blunders unseen before by their fans. After a Louisville punt, the Orangemen make a small return. During the next drive, I was amazed at the utter and abject lack of defense on the part of Louisville. Showing complexity on par with a pop-warner squad, Syracuse ran the ball twice for a yard or less right up the gut and into two very fat defensive tackles. At this point, it’s obvious that a.) Syracuse can’t run & b.) it’s third down, and they have to pass the ball. So what does Syracuse do?

Play Action. FOR A TOUCHDOWN.

The futility of Louisville’s effort was off the charts. In the fourth quarter, with less than five minutes to go, they refuse to go for it on fourth down, and punts to the powerhouse Syracuse Offense. For the love of God, the drive was painful to watch. Two runs stuffed, long pass complete. Two runs stuffed, long pass complete. The pattern was going to result in a touchdown until Greg Robinson remembered that, ah yes, I am supposed to lose here. Calling yet another play action, his QB has a mental meltdown and manages to fumble by accidentally hold the ball too far from his body and having it knocked away by a fullback. Fumble is recovered by the to-this-point absent Louisville D.

In a move straight from the Marty Schottenhiemer playoff hand book, Syracuse proceeds to run a prevent zone coverage to try and stop Louisville’s passing attack. Mind you, only a minute and a half remains on the clock, Louisville has two timeouts. Predictably, the Orange defense is shreded by out-routes and long passes behind the corners, getting them to the red zone in less than 20 seconds. Feeling confident that their plan was working, both corners contributed pass interference calls (painfully obvious) to ensure that TD is scored. Which it is, on a busted coverage over the middle.

So, with the score 38-35, Louisville opts to onside kick again. They had tried one earlier and kicked it too deep allowing Syracuse an easy recovery. This time, they screw up again, but kick the ball . . . four yards. It could have fallen off the tee and rolled farther. At this point, I’m about to vomit in my lap as it feels like both teams are trying really hard to lose.

Continuing my pain, I watch the final drive (oh, btw, Louisville still has both time outs and 56 seconds remain) as Syracuse clumsily tries to run the ball with a max gain of two yards. On third down, someone got the memo on Louisville’s D and actually rushed the passer and forced a bad throw. In a bold move, Syracuse runs a PLAY ACTION ON FOURTH AND LONG AND FREAKING GETS A FIRST DOWN AND MORE. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in Louisville, but Jesus, just about anyone, even John L. Smith, could have done better.

In desperate (and fittingly moronic) move to get the ball back, Louisville’s Linemen decide they have to swipe the ball away from Syracuse’s center as it’s being snapped. However, they fail to remember the part about the ball moving first. Two (not one, two) penalties, Louisville gives up, and allows the kneeldowns. My personal favorite was seeing Brian Brohm on camera looking pissed that their only chance was blown by a God-Damned Kicker.

I can hear the “Big L-East” guys gearing up.

On the plus side, I will be filing a resume with UL to take the soon-to-be vacated D Coordination spot, as my championship Youth Football defense probably would probably look really nice right now as opposed to what they’ve got.